Post date: Apr 26, 2020 4:51:45 AM
i keep having the same conversations, in real time with my fiancee and over video with friends and colleagues.
with the video chats, in the back of my mind i fear that maybe i'm becoming unhinged and that it's showing on the screen, with how i'm describing things.
i feel like if i don't stick to work matters, then i'll just start talking about .. just how things are and what i miss .. and that i'll never. stop. talking.
...
i feel like i've been sitting in the same chair at the same place at my table, for as long as i can remember.
typing. video. meetings. [repeat]
...
everything is delivered.
it's awkward; i find it awkward.
do i say "stay safe!" to the delivery guy?
that's too much, isn't it?
we don't know each other.
but it's not like i want him to become a statistic, with all these face-to-face interactions. if it weren't for people like him, i'd have to deal with my own cooking 24-7. i can make things, but not drunken noodles, not real buffalo wings, not orecchiette with rapini and sub-mushrooms-for-sausage.
why wouldn't it make sense for me to wish him safety?
why does it sound weird, though?
i never get to go out and walk the aisle anymore, compare the store brand with the brand name. are triscuits on sale this week? what would i make with fennel, anyway?
the kitchen's better stocked than it's ever been .. and i'm still thinking about grocery shopping.
...
when i go outside and walk, there's no place to stop walking except to sit on a park bench in the park, and then it's worrisome because so many people are coming and going:
that kid in the scooter, those teenagers who should be standing 6ft apart but won't, and ..
w. t. f?!?
that guy's not wearing a mask.
who. the. fvck! does he think he is?
i hope his grandmother dies because of him and that he has to live with it ..
.. ye gods, did i just think that?
i couldn't have just thought that, could i?
i don't even know the guy..!
...
he should be wearing a mask, though. that's bad.
...
if they ever let us out and let the pubs and restaurants re-open, i wonder how i'd react, walking into one, ordering a beer, then waiting.
i'd probably just do my best and avoid staring;
staring at all the people, at one place,
trying not to wonder if it's going to come back and that someone here has it.
i wonder how conversations would sound ..
.. if they would be halting and that people would have to get used to being at arm's length and not switch from staring at the webcam versus the screen.
i wonder if everyone would think it's so much easier to not have to switch or think about the switch.
i used to look forward to the future .. but now, there's a twinge of dread. when other people have become a threat, not by intention but just by existence, then there's a lot to get used to again.