Baby Advice:
Slow down as much as possible.
You can just observe and be curious. You don't need to know.
Give your baby time to sit and observe. Your baby is having days where they see a color they never saw before, or suddenly can perceive depth, and laying on the floor staring out the window is valuable time for them.
Ask for help. You will need help. Let friends help.
Your relatives will each have their own relationship with your child. If you trust them from the beginning (hand them the baby and walk away, they'll figure it out in their own way, or they'll ask for help) it pays off later when they are confident and eager babysitters.
Toddler Advice:
Whatever rules you will have for your child, such as not hitting, introduce them as early as possible, before the child can even talk. Even if it means saying to a 2 month old baby "Please be gentle with your brother". Adding a rule is difficult, but growing up with common sense rules in place from day one is easy. If clearing your own dishes is a rule, find a way to show the rule and involve the kid as early as possible.
Prioritize your self-care and romantic partnership if you have one. When you are rested or laughing with your partner it's like the whole family is happier. A wise elder once told us that kids argue over things like toys when they feel love is a scarcity in the family. Let them feel that love is abundant.
Set aside some time, maybe 20 minutes, to follow your child's lead. Maybe you can't do this every day, but do it when you can. This might mean going on a walk where you just stop when they want to explore a drain pipe or pick up a pebble, let them lead.
Boredom is precious. Deep thinking and creativity need space. Don't rush to solve their boredom.
Routine. A predictable routine makes kids feel calm.
Believe in them and show them you believe in them by not solving their problems. Kid is struggling to get their shoe on, let them struggle, you don't even need to say encouraging words, just sit with them. Or don't sit with them, keep doing the dishes, because you believe in them, you don't even need to be there. You can say "what would happen if you tugged over here?" Let them have the moment of saying "I did it!"
Kind and firm. A rule from a parent should be like a padded wall: Not moving but gentle.
Acknowledge and validate what they say. A child might say "I wanted the red spoon" and the parent will respond "I know you want that, but the blue spoon is just as good" thereby dismissing the child. And the child will scream "I wanted to red spoon!" Often they're not really trying to get the red spoon. They're trying to tell you what they feel. Just lean into it. "Yeah, you really wanted the red spoon, and it's hard when you can't get what you want. I know what that's like".
Often toddlers are eager to help around the house around 2 years old, when they can't really be helpful. Invest in this. Let them sweep, compliment them for wiping the table, thank them for picking up laundry. It pays off.
Offer two or three choices where all three are okay by you. "Today you can wear the blue pants or the dress. Which do you choose?"
Kids 4-6:
Love is the same thing as acceptance. You can make your child feel loved by accepting them as they are.
Children experience our judgement all day every day in the form of praise and criticism. That's exhausting. Work to interact with your child in a open and curious way, without judgement positive or negative.
Tone of voice matters. You can ask "Did you brush your teeth?" with a tone like "you disgust me" or with an inviting "come on, let's do this" tone.
Often when I'm having a power struggle with a kid instead of threatening them with a consequence, I just tell them what I'll do. For example, "I'm asking you to get dressed. If you don't get dressed with me now, I'm going to go downstairs and start the breakfast. I'll wait for you to get dressed by yourself before serving you breakfast. I won't be available to help you when I'm downstairs."
Start with connection. If you establish connection between yourself and your child, just share a laugh or listen to an anecdote from their day, then they'll be so much more cooperative.
We don't give our kids allowance, but we pay well for chores. Cleaning a whole bathroom could be $5, sweeping and mopping the kitchen could be $3. When kids ask for toys we encourage them to save up rather than ask a grandparent.
Everything can be a game. As an adult there's a limit to how fun flossing teeth can be. As a kid there's no limit. Right now when I floss Oliver (age 7) I pretend to get distracted and start flossing his armpits and toes.
Kids 7-9:
From one of our favorite teachers: If you regularly set aside time each day to listen, eventually they'll tell you how they're feeling.
Let them fail at school. You want them to fail young and then learn to work hard on their own, not because you're pushing them.
Trust is fragile. You want to earn and deserve your child's trust.
It helps to keep a mindset that you're on their team, even when you're at odds, and you want them to feel that, but you have to feel it authentically as step one. When they're going through a hard time, your child should never doubt that you're on their team.
When you want your child to do something don't yell from another room "wash your hands!" Try to take the time to walk over, notice what they're up to, "Cool lego project. (pause) It's dinner in one minute, can you finish up and wash hands?" It's just respectful.