http://www.janetlansbury.com/2016/02/how-i-helped-my-baby-learn-to-sleep-guest-post-by-alice-callahan-phd/
After reading three books and having two kids I feel like I've learned a bit.
Here are my thoughts and my recipe for sleep success.
I think teaching a baby to sleep is probably like teaching a kid to ride a bicycle. There's a lot you can teach them with training wheels, and then you're there holding the bicycle with two hands, then you're running beside them holding with one hand, but at some point you have to let go and give them the chance to figure it out. There may be some crying. Similarly, you can't teach a baby to sleep by herself if you're there. You start by laying the groundwork and then at some point you step away and give her space to figure it out on her own. Although learning this new skill may be frustrating for the baby, no one does good learning when they're scared. Just as I would expect some sniffles from a kid falling off a bicycle, if there is terrified screaming it's time for comfort; we'll try again another day.
Here's how I would lay the groundwork:
Newborn - 6 weeks: put the sleeping baby down
- When the baby is newborn she knows how to sleep. She can put herself to sleep laying on the kitchen floor and sleep for three hours. Your job is to help her retain this ability. When she falls asleep put her down. If you hold a sleeping baby your breathing and movement will lull the baby back to sleep whenever she stirs. Let her fall asleep or get drowsy in your arms, but let her sleep in a cradle, crib or on the floor so that she will re-settle herself mid-sleep. All babies sleep best with motionless sleep.
- Do not use a pacifier. We used our thumbs or fingers if Hazel needed something to suck on in order to calm down. This way the baby doesn't get used to sleeping with something in their mouth.
- When the baby wakes at night pause briefly to see if she will settle herself before helping her. I just counted to ten. If she seemed like she might be calming down I counted to ten again.
- Other details: we had Hazel in a co-sleeper during this time. We changed her diaper when she nursed at night. The baby's hearing is poor so don't worry about noise. Temperature should be around 70 degrees.
- I recommend nurse one side, then change diaper, then nurse other side. It helped settle baby after diaper change
- Baby bedtime is whenever you go to bed. Their longest stretch is often 4 hours and starts at 10pm or so.
- Total sleep need is about 16.5 hours a day, according to Weissbluth "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child". Our kids averaged more like 14.
6 weeks - 3 months
- Do not give the baby a pacifier. Use your finger and take it away from the baby once asleep.
- When the baby is 6-12 weeks old give her 1-2 minutes to fuss and settle back to sleep when she wakes at night. If the baby starts crying soothe the baby.
- Establish a consistent nap routine. Nap times are as needed, not on schedule, but when it's nap time you should go through the same steps every time so baby can anticipate. For us it was: close curtains, turn on sound machine, sing a song, soothe to drowsy, and lay her down. This should be a short routine so that you can do it even if the baby is very tired.
- Consistent night time routine for us was bath, pajamas, bottle, nurse, song, soothing to drowsy, set down in crib.
- Baby bath around 6:30 to 7:00, asleep around 8:00pm
- “Many infants between six weeks and four months will naturally go to sleep late around 9:00 to 11:00 P.M., and sleep several hours without a need to be fed. Some call this “sleeping through the night.” After four months, infants tend to go to sleep earlier, around 6:00 to 8:00 P.M., and some now need to be fed once or twice before they wake up to start the day. After nine months, these night feedings are not needed.” Excerpt From: Marc Weissbluth, M.D. “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child.”
- Six weeks: “The social smiles herald the onset of increased social awareness, and it may come to pass that your baby will now start to fight sleep in order to enjoy the pleasure of your company. This is natural!” Excerpt From: Marc Weissbluth, M.D. “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child.”
- “Around the time your baby produces her first social smiles, at about six weeks of age, night sleep becomes more organized, and the longest single sleep period begins to occur with predictability and regularity in the evening hours. This sleep period is now about four to six hours long.” Excerpt From: Marc Weissbluth, M.D. “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child.”
- Awake periods should be two hours max.
- “You do not need to let her cry at all, but some babies will fuss or cry in a mild fashion before falling asleep. If she cries for five, ten, or twenty minutes, it will do her no harm, and she may drift off to sleep. If not, console her and try again at other times.” Excerpt From: Marc Weissbluth, M.D. “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child.”
- “Remember, sleep training means starting to respect your baby’s need to sleep when he is a newborn by anticipating when he will need to sleep (within one to two hours of wakefulness), learning to recognize drowsy signs, and developing a bedtime routine. Then your baby will not become overtired.” Excerpt From: Marc Weissbluth, M.D. “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child.”
3 - 4 months
- When the baby is 3 months move naps to baby's crib.
- I would not move the baby to their own room for night sleep until you're expecting them to sleep through the night with maybe one waking. If they're in their own room you'll be back and forth all night.
- When baby is 3.5 months introduce a lovey while nursing. A blankie or stuffed animal that you hold while nursing and sleep with it in mom's shirt. Don't give it to baby at bedtime yet.
- Notice if the baby cries harder when you pick her up! This means she wants to be settling herself.
- Time outside helps set the baby's circadian rhythm.
- You never need to wake the baby if you think they've slept too long.
- “At three to four months, your baby will start to show drowsy signs earlier in the evening. Instead of becoming sleepy at 8:00 to 10:00 P.M., she will become sleepy at 6:00 to 8:00 P.M” Excerpt From: Marc Weissbluth, M.D. “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child"
- "Day sleep is organizing. Naps will become more regular and predictable. Expect 2-3 naps a day at regular times. One morning nap around 9 and one early afternoon nap around 12 or 1:00. Early afternoon nap is longer." From Weissbluth book. This didn't happen for us for either child until later. The naps are predictable relative to the wake-up time (1.5-2 hours after waking up) but the wake up time is different every day.
- At 4 months is the big change:
- move baby to crib for night sleep. Expect to be up a lot at night for the next two weeks. maybe put a mattress on the floor in their room to make it easier for you.
- remove swaddle, use sleep sack. We did one week with one arm out of swaddle, then switch to sleep sack.
- 4.5 months initiate fuss/cry
- There's a BIG four month sleep regression where the baby is going to start sleeping terribly. I think it's because the baby is much more aware of their surroundings and if they fall asleep in one place (your arms) and wake up in another place (the crib) it's very jarring. This is the time when they need to learn to put themselves to sleep.
- At four months when Hazel was taking a nap or going to sleep at night I would hold her in my arms while she settles herself to drowsy or almost asleep. I would try not to give her anything to suck on and I try not to rock or jiggle her. I shush her a bit. In this way she has some practice at self soothing.
- Give the baby the lovey at bedtime and nap time. The lovely should smell like mamma and this is another way the baby can calm herself.
- At the stage you should have seen some small clues of self-settling before you begin letting the baby fuss. These could be hearing the baby wake and self-soothing at night. Or the baby goes back to sleep if you pat her stomach and do nothing else. Or the baby is sleeping 5+ stretches sometimes.
- Hazel is getting sleepy earlier and wants to be asleep by 7:00pm
- According to Weissbluth, Baby should sleep from about 7pm to about 7am at night (Oliver is more like 7-6). The first four hours are deep sleep and baby rarely wakes. From 4-6 am is lightest sleep and parents might think baby is "waking up" at four am. Really they just need help getting back to sleep or they need to be left alone to settle themselves.
- Oliver slept a 9 hr stretch every other night
- Once the baby is settled in her crib without a sleep sack, time to start some fussing / crying. You will know it's time to do this because you're losing your mind with frequent wakings and you cannot put the baby down without waking her.
- Consistency! I cannot stress this enough. Decide exactly what you're going to do when the baby wakes up, write it down, and always do the same thing.
- Here's what we do:
- soothe 2m, cry 5m, soothe 2m, cry 5m, soothe 2m, cry 5m, soothe to sleep.
- If the baby is freaking out, calm the baby.
- We hold Hazel in our arms for max 2 minutes to get her drowsy (note, at five months I think getting her drowsy is a mistake
- Then put her down and leave her until she starts to cry.
- I let her cry for max five minutes. Usually she will fuss and be calm and fuss and be calm as she figures it out. I leave her door open a crack and often watch her to see that she's closing her eyes and having calm moments.
- If she cries for five minutes then I soothe her for two minutes. Soothing means: Try just rubbing her belly for at least ten seconds. If she's still crying then give her a thumb to suck on, try at least ten seconds. This way if she settles I don't have to figure out how to put her down without waking her since she's already in her crib. If the thumb doesn't calm her, then pick her up and rock her. After two minutes of soothing put her back down for another five minutes.
- This is a video of Hazel settling herself to sleep. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JwGNG0Ynpmw
- If she's still crying after two minutes of soothing I would soothe some more. That hasn't happened to us, but our goal is to give her the space to try it on her own, not to force her at all costs. If she's freaking out and crying at any point (without taking calm breaks) then I soothe her regardless of how long it's been. The idea is "give her a chance to try it, let her be frustrated, let her figure it out."
5 months
- At five months Hazel now settles herself for bed and naps and takes 2+ hour morning naps and sleeps 12 hours at night with one waking to nurse.
- I realize that Hazel falls asleep much easier if she is not drowsy when we put her in her crib. If she's drowsy she feels betrayed when we put her down. Her nap routine involves a book and a song and then I put her in her crib awake, she falls asleep with five minutes fussing, no crying.
- I think babies sleep better if they feel a strong sense of connection when awake. Eye contact, undivided attention, and physical closeness, fill their need for connection and they're able to separate more easily.
- “By four to eight months of age, infants should have at least a midmorning nap and one in the early afternoon, and the total nap duration should be two to four hours”Excerpt From: Marc Weissbluth, M.D. “Healthy Sleep Habits, "
- "Most children five to twelve months of age should go to bed between 6:00 and 8:00 P.M. and wake up between 6:00 and 7:00 A.M." Marc Weissbluth.
- At six months bedtime is often earlier, like asleep by 6:30
- At six months Hazel takes a 2 hour morning nap, and afternoon naps are still 30 minutes and involve more crying.
- Her awake periods have suddenly jumped from 2 hours to 3 hours.
- At six months Hazel went to sleep at 6:30, nursed once around 4:00, and then hopefully slept until 6:00am.
- Oliver went to bed 6:30, nursed once around 5:00 or 6:00, and slept until 7:30 or 8:30, once 9:00am.
- I've read that babies pre-frontal cortex connects around this age to their emotional center, which means that prior to this age they literally cannot "self soothe" since they cannot consciously have any control over their feelings. meh.
- I've also read that around six months the emotional part of the brain connects to the memory part, which means they could potentially have a scary memory of sleep training after this age, but again, meh.
- “At about nine to ten months, a baby’s sleep periods consolidate so that she wakes up and goes to sleep at about the same times every day, and her sleep spans are longer.” Excerpt From: Pantley, Elizabeth. “The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night.” McGraw-Hill, 2002. iBooks.
These are miscellaneous thoughts related to sleep for kids 2-5 years.
- When traveling we found that our children slept infinitely better if they were in the same room as us, even though they need to be in their own rooms at home.
- The best age for night-training (getting out of night diapers) is before 3 1/2.
- When kids have nightmares or fears at night try to think of yourself as a mantra, saying the same words again and again with a pleasant tone to show that you're not getting roped into a drama. For example "you're safe, it's bed time". Whatever the child says, you reply with those words. Often I say "Can you tell me about it in the morning?" or I say "You feel afraid, and you are safe, it's bed time."
- You can't really TELL a child anything about sleep, you have to show them. If I feel in my heart that I'm kissing them goodnight and they'll be able to fall asleep on their own, my voice is calm, I don't look back when I leave the room, I don't tack "okay?" onto my sentences as in "it's bedtime, okay?". Your whole demeanor has to show them that you're really comfortable with separating for bedtime.
- Sometimes Hazel will "try everything" to get us to come back 50 times during bedtime. Sometimes I very sweetly tell her "Darling, if you want to lay on the floor naked and fall asleep at midnight, that is your choice. I love you and I'll be downstairs. "
- At times our kids have been greatly comforted by the sound of us as they fall asleep. Leaving their doors open so they can hear us talking, doing the dishes, etc, actually helps them feel we're not far away and feel secure enough to fall asleep.
- When kids wake up with nightmares at night I find that it's helpful for my kids if I kiss them, reassure them, and then go. I say "You're safe, I'll be in my bed." When I linger it creates a desire in the child to wait until I leave before falling asleep. I notice that if I'm very reassuring very briefly, and then leave, that works out better.
- Both of our kids started fighting their naps really hard core around 3 years old. This is an age where some families stop naps. We chose to do car-naps. We drive the kid around the block and they fall asleep, then we put them in the crib while they are asleep. This worked up until about 4.5 to 5 years old.
- My kids have nightmares if they are too hot.
- sheets! For both of my kids I use a special sheet trick that's awesome. On their crib or twin mattress put a regular sized fitted sheet (crib or twin). THEN use a queen bed sheet folded in half to go all the way around the mattress, making a tube. The blanket can also be queen sized going all the way around but doesn't need to. The child slides into the bed from the top just as they would a sleeping bag. The wrapped sheets will never come untucked and fall off at night. The child feels safe, snug, held, and they don't have to learn to pull the covers up over them at night.
Misc Notes
“When it’s cool, babies tend to wake up and move their bodies more, as a way of generating internal heat. When it’s warm, they sleep more, and favor a “sunbathing” posture—extending their arms and legs—as a way of dissipating heat.”
Excerpt From: Eliot, Lise. “What's Going on in There?.”