Milestone: control release of objects
Thirteen month olds can remember for a week. "What's going on in there?"
My kids liked: trying to run, exploring kitchen cabinets, books, donut tower, swings. Helping of any kind: sweeping, wipe table with sponge, carry spoons to table, help turn screw driver, help hammer, help scoop rice, anything.
Babies start attachment and stranger anxiety around six months and it gets more intense steadily until 18 months.
Oliver really understands what we're saying. It's important that I tell him when I'm leaving and when I'll be home. "I'm going to work now. You'll be home with your nanny and then I'll be home at dinner time".
It's important to keep up with plain vegetables: steamed green beans instead of broccoli with sauce. If you don't make it a regular thing they'll reject it.
“Once your child becomes a toddler, you can introduce many new play objects: wheel toys that your child can push or ride, and tricycles. Young children love to push things. Introduce objects from the kitchen such as lightweight pots and pans. Children of this age love to imitate Mommy and Daddy. You can also add hats, wallets, eyeglass cases, purses, scarves, dress-up clothes, and hand puppets so your child can role-play. Books with simple pictures or photos are a good idea. Toddlers like to look at pictures of other people, children, or animals.” Excerpt From: Magda Gerber & Allison Johnson. “Your Self-Confident Baby.”
“Time-outs should not be used with children under the age of three and a half to four years of age. Until children reach the age of reason, which starts around age two and a half (”
Excerpt From: Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., Cheryl Erwin & Roslyn Ann Duffy. “Positive Discipline: The First Three Years.”
Children as young as 14 months are known to imitate actions they see on tv. Maybe from "Scientist in the Crib"
Assume your child understands everything you say. One morning when I had a sore throat I said to our nanny "I'm going to work a short day and come home early today, since I'm not feeling well". That afternoon Oliver refused his second nap and fought past exhaustion saying "mama mama". When I got home at 4:30 he had just fallen asleep.
Oliver signs "more", "all done", "milk", "please" (when he wants help). He claps, waves, gives kisses, wipes his own face after meals, etc.
A lot of kids hate having their faces wiped. I would hate having a piece of wet cloth cover my mouth and nose at the same time. Be careful not to block air even for a scary moment. Wipe the mouth area and then the nose.
Oliver uses a fork and a spoon to eat food from a plate or a bowl. All utensils are metal. He also has metal cups (not sippy cups) which we use about 50% of the time. It took about a month of very messy exploration before he learned to use utensils.
We do "no screens" in our house. Oliver is not allowed to play with cell phones, lap tops, ipads or watch tv. Lots of studies have shown that screen time is especially bad for little kids. We're also worried about the cell phone radiation. There's a radio program about it at the following link. The host and guest are both annoying personalities, but there's some good information in there as well.http://kalw.org/post/today-your-call-should-we-be-concerned-about-cell-phone-radiation
“Possessiveness and ownership are normal steps before the ability to share gradually begins around the ages of three or four.”
Excerpt From: Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., Cheryl Erwin & Roslyn Ann Duffy. “Positive Discipline: The First Three Years.”
“Most biting incidents happen from about fourteen months to three years of age, which coincides with the development of spoken language.”
Excerpt From: “Positive Discipline:"
Building a sandbox was a really good time investment for us. The kids loved it for years.
At this age most children have developed a strong attachment relationship that will last them their life. "It's a boy" by Thompson and Barker.
We're working hard on safely climbing and descending chairs and stairs right now. Stairs are a part of our world and inevitably a baby gate will be left open or he'll run towards some steps in the park. We're making sure he knows how to get down stairs safely.
Oliver will fight for a toy with other kids at the rec center. We try not to intervene unless one of the kids is going to get hurt. We say "I won't let you hit" but we never say "that's not nice, give him his toy back".
I have a rule for myself that if Oliver is immersed in something I try my best not to interrupt him, even if what he's immersed in is putting grains of rice into his milk, dumping it out, and starting again. And even if the task he is immersed in is also frustrating for him (he's whining while doing it, and asking for help). I'll tell him "if this is too frustrating we can put it away, but I like to see you trying different things. I'm not going to do it for you." Solitary focus, experimental exploration and the ability to entertain oneself are virtues for a little boy and I try to protect that time when it happens.
Oliver eats about five meals a day. Loves banana, apple, salmon, bread, peanut butter, oatmeal, indian food, thai food, eggs, avocado, rice + beans, baked or sauteed vegetables, pizza, spaghetti.
If Oliver is less than enthusiastic about his dinner I tell him "after you finish this bowl of lentils we'll have raspberries for desert". He will usually eat the bowl at that point.
Oliver goes to sleeps from about 7:30pm to 7:30am. He takes a morning nap and an afternoon nap that are each between 45 minutes and 2 hours. He averages 14 hours total sleep per 24 hour period. He's usually awake 3 hours, naps, awake 4 hours, naps, awake 2-3 hours.
At nap time we read a book and then I put him in his crib. Telling him what's going to happen is very effective: I'm going to read you this book and then put you in your crib for a rest.
Evenings go: dinner, potty time (unless it's late), bath (to clean the dinner out of his hair!), pajamas, reading 2-3 books, lullaby with dim lights, crib.
After breakfast and dinner Oliver sits on the potty and we read books. We never pressure him to do this. Only 4% of kids are fully potty trained before the age of 2, and potty training tends to take longer when parents start early.
Oliver says about 40 words, some more clearly that others. "hot" is very clear. "poop" and "pants" are just a "p" sound.
Oliver is taking a music class. My mom recommended the "music together" program and it's been good. It's sort of like a music class for adults where the kids get to participate.
Oliver is solidly at one nap. His nap starts around 11:00 or 11:30 am and lasts between one and two hours.
Oliver falls asleep at 6:30pm. This is earlier than when he had two naps. However, he still wakes up around 7:30, so he's getting 13 hours at night, whereas he got 12 before. Most mornings he wakes up around 6:30 or 7:00 and talks to himself for five minutes before dozing off again. We try not to go into his room until 7:30 am and so far it works well. He happily plays by himself in his crib.
We have read studies about praising effort rather than results. We are trying to just recognize and describe rather than praise. Rather than say "good job climbing the stairs, you got to the top!" we will comment on the process "you're climbing the stairs! one at a time". We hope this will make him feel more like we appreciate his process, relate to him, and internally rewarded.
At 16 months Hazel takes one mid-day nap that is 75 minutes. She falls asleep around 6:30 ideally, but usually has a 30 minute nap in the car and goes to bed at 8:00. When her bedtime is late she wakes up early. When she falls asleep at 6:30 she sleeps 12 hours.
In either case she is easy to put to sleep. We read a book, which she often demands to hold and flips the pages backwards -- fine with me -- and then I sing to her and tell her "I'll sing you a song, put you in your crib, and go to the hallway". As long as I explain this to her she doesn't cry when I put her in her crib.
She has a sippy cup of warm milk with dinner before bath. No more bottles.
We taught Hazel the sign for "help" (we actually use the "please" sign) and it's been useful. She has started pointing or reaching for something and yelling or whining loudly. I'll say calmly "do you need help with something?" and her demeanour changes and she signs "help" and points quietly. I help her, sometimes she says thank-you.
Milestone: children speak in two word sentences
Babies often drop from two naps to one. "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child"
Bedtime should be between 7:00 and 8:00 "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child"
My kids love: sitting in car drivers seat, putting cards into a box, or tooth picks into small jar, using spray bottle, using hammer or screw driver. Assemble furniture with Allen key. Hiding. Tents.
Baby can use a spoon.
Milestone: controlled release of objects.
18-24 months babies use two word sentences. Source: What's going on in there?
Milestone: 18-30 months toddlers will understand that they are w boy or a girl.
Babies understand that you might want something different from them. Prior to this they will offer you crackers over broccoli, even when you smile and say yum to broccoli. "Scientist in the crib".
Love hiding and finding games. Put a toy under a cloth, allow baby to find. "Scientist in the crib"
Babies go into naming frenzy: what's that? Lots of pointing and naming objects. Often "doggie" refers to any animal as babies try to group and label things, testing the meanings of words. "Scientist in the crib"
Babies are understanding how people are different. They are less intimate with parents and take more space.
“Children her age (eighteen months) can’t put themselves into another person’s shoes so the concept of sharing is alien to them”
Excerpt From: Magda Gerber & Allison Johnson. “Your Self-Confident Baby.”
“Aggression, in the form of yelling, pushing, or hitting, is perfectly normal behavior for toddlers.” Excerpt From: Magda Gerber & Allison Johnson. “Your Self-Confident Baby.
“Skip the lectures. They invite avoidance or resistance, while questions invite thinking and participation”. “Positive Discipline: The First Three Years.”
“Instead of hitting back or scolding, it is more effective to show her what to do instead of what not to do. Increase your supervision during the hitting pattern of behavior. Quickly catch her hand that is poised to hit and say, “Touch nicely,” while showing her what this looks like.”. “Positive Discipline: The First Three Years.”
“Parenting a toddler will be much less frustrating when parents respond to the intention behind the behavior” "Defiance” looks (and feels) much different when you understand that a child is struggling to develop a sense of autonomy." Positive Discipline: The First Three Years.”
“toddlers in the second year of life show very little reaction when odors, even highly unpleasant ones (like simulated feces), are secretly introduced into their play area.”
Excerpt From: Eliot, Lise. “What's Going on in There?.”
There's an interesting study showing that babies this age don't really know they are distinct from their primary caregiver. If you put lipstick on the baby's nose and put them in front of a mirror with their mom, the baby will look at the mirror, see the lipstick, turn to the mom, and try to wipe it off the mom's nose. Around 24 months they suddenly realize that they can make choices which are different from yours, and that they can choose to do things you don't want. This is an important developmental phase. I heard about this on Brenee Brown's audiobook "Gifts of Imperfect Parenting" which I think has some gems in it.
Oliver can peel hard boiled eggs, chop with butter knife, open jars, pour olive oil, use tongs, unload silverware drawer, use sponge, sweep sidewalk, just now interested in wood toolbox, use Allen key, use pin cushion, use dull scissors, hold nail clippers, pour oatmeal. use spray bottle, load clothes into washer / dryer.
Hazel loves: baby dolls, purses and containers of any kind, wiping with a sponge, her own wallet, wrapping objects in paper or cloth and unwrapping them.
Hazel really wants to do things by herself. She is choosing to use the potty, dress herself, climb into her high chair, shoes on and off. She especially loves buckles and zippers.
Hazel is really into materials and textures and enjoys a basin of water in the yard, a bowl full of flour that she can pour and mix, a tray of dry beans and various containers and scoops, play dough
Hazel loves to sing many different songs to herself all the time.
Hazel still mostly wants to hold books when we're ready a bedtime story. She takes the book away from me and wants to turn the pages. She loses interest if I'm the one running the show.
Hazel is expected to follow rules: no hitting, if you throw food dinner is over, no feet on the table, brush teeth morning and night
If she runs away or resists when it's time to get dressed or put shoes on that's okay: you are allowed to walk to the car without shoes or clothes. As soon as I tell her "okay" she comes begging me for shoes.
She loves smoothies. Spinach with frozen strawberries, banana and orange juice is a hit.
Children might start to show strong preference for one parent. This article is very helpful on that: http://www.janetlansbury.com/2015/02/when-children-prefer-one-parent/
Our children’s adoration is a given, and hard as that may be to believe in the face of “go away, Mommy,” it isn’t at all personal.
Young children live in the moment. So, “I don’t want you” (or even “I don’t like you”) means “I don’t want you in this moment,” or “I don’t want you to do this activity with me”, etc. These are temporary and superficial, rather than deep and permanent rejections.
Our child only feels safe rejecting us because he or she is secure in our love. So, rejection is a back-handed compliment of sorts. We’re doing something right. Of course, it still feels crappy.
Milestone: Blooming grammar, 3-4-5 word sentences. Usually sentences lack of-the-and connection words.
Shortly after turning two, children start full sentences. source: What's going on in there?
My kids love: pretend! Costumes and props. Pretending to go to grocery store with own purse, wallet, paper bag, place to put "food" away (empty cabinet) etc. pretending to cook. Oliver is obsessed with excavators and steam trains.
"Nor are corrections any more useful later on, when children make the inevitable grammatical errors, like: Sammy gots a spot on his nose; or Ice cream is the bestest food” Eliot says that (studies show) children learn grammar very effectively by osmosis. As long as you are speaking with proper grammar the child will self correct. Correcting them will make them feel bad at language and inhibit their attempts at communication. Excerpt From: Eliot, Lise. “What's Going on in There?.”
Read "peace and conflict studies" section in "scientist in the crib". Helpful insight about terrible twos. Basically: The child is learning about how humans interact. Their need to understand the rules of social interactions is stronger than their desire to keep the peace. They're breaking rules to learn how you'll react.
Around two years old children understand that you can see things they can't. Prior to this when asked to hide something from you they will hide it from themselves. If they currently think the box is empty they believe that they always thought it was empty. "scientist I'm the crib"
Wise words from a scientist friend: Children need enough unstructured time to get bored and work through their boredom to a point of learning or entertaining themselves.
“Most children, left to themselves, give up their blankies or pacifiers of their own free will, usually by the age of six.” Excerpt From: Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., Cheryl Erwin & Roslyn Ann Duffy. “Positive Discipline: The First Three Years.”
“The terrible twos reflects a genuine clash between children’s need to understand other people and their need to live happily with them. Experimenting with conflict may be necessary if you want to understand what people will do, but it’s also dangerous. The terrible twos show how powerful and deep-seated the learning drive is in these young children. With these two-year-olds, as with scientists, finding the truth is more than a profession—it’s a passion.” Excerpt From: Alison Gopnik, Andrew N. Meltzoff & Patricia K. Kuhl. “The Scientist In The Crib.”
“Support her desires,” I told the mother. “Never negate them. Say to Christina, You want to get the moon. Where is that moon? How can you get it?’ Maybe one day she will be a poet and touch the moon. There are no ‘bad’ desires, only bad acts. If you desire that angels fly into your room and stay with you for the night, why shouldn’t they come? A desire has wings. That’s the beautiful thing. A child could also have the most hideous desire—he might say he wants to kill all the people in the world—and that’s still okay. You can say, ‘Oh, you want to kill all the people in the world?’ Actions are not always okay.” The mother told me after that that she had responded to Christina’s expressions of desire in a positive and encouraging way, rather than telling her what she couldn’t have or hope to get. Excerpt From: Magda Gerber & Allison Johnson. “Your Self-Confident Baby.”
“By acknowledging a child’s desire, you also accept his feelings, the desire’s source. For example, if he feels angry, he may want to hit his playmate. By letting him express his desire, his feelings are acknowledged instead of buried. You can respond by saying, “You want to hit Lance, but I won’t let you. That will hurt him.” Handle this type of intervention with your toddler in a stronger manner, different from telling your exploring baby, “Gentle, easy.” Excerpt From: Magda Gerber & Allison Johnson. “Your Self-Confident Baby.”
“By the age of seven or eight months, most babies understand the meanings of a few words. By three years of age, most children understand ordinary, conversational language, although they may not be able to produce it themselves. Children often understand many words by the age of one year, but they may say only a few before they are two years old” Excerpt From: Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., Cheryl Erwin & Roslyn Ann Duffy. “Positive Discipline: The First Three Years.” Harmony, 2007-03-27. iBooks.
“Alesha herself won’t show this kind of anticipation until her second year of life, when babies begin crying at the sight of an immunization needle. S”
Excerpt From: Eliot, Lise. “What's Going on in There?.”
When Hazel was about two we started a weekly dinner rotation where we had the same thing every monday, tuesday etc. It has helped a lot. Mondays are veggies and tofu. Tacos on Tuesday. Wednesday we go out for sushi (yum!). Thursdays is pasta and salad. And Fridays is picnic dinner (raw veggies, cheese, nuts, crackers). On the weekends we do burgers and sweet potato fries and sometimes fried egg sandwiches.
I also have a lunch recipe for how I pack their lunches:
one fruit: anything. grapes, apple slices, pear, peaches, plum, pomegranate, mango, whatever.
one vegetable: they like frozen green peas, frozen corn, nori (seaweed), carrots, and sun gold tomatoes. They also like steamed broccoli and Hazel loves goma-ae which is Japanese spinach.
one protein: can be black beans, tofu, chicken nuggets (veggie), or turkey bacon.
one dairy: usually a cheese stick or yoghurt
one grain: such as pasta, pb&j sandwich, or crackers or tortilla.
“When Children Want to Hit
Most children hit at one time or another, some more often than others. Sometimes this happens during a struggle over a toy. Hitting is normal and is a predictable part of development.
I would never preach to a child who wants to hit. It doesn’t work. I remember a mother who always said to her child, “It’s not nice to ...” I identified with the child and wanted to say, “So what? Who wants to be nice?” The parent represents conscience. Children have to learn how to be decent human beings. This happens as they internalize or take on their parents’ attitudes and behaviors, not by listening to sermons.” “How does your child find out what is good or fair to do unless he tries? Some people never learn it. Before redirecting and overdoing our role, I like to let a child figure out what to do. It takes time for him to know the difference between a person and a doll, or an object and a human being.
Should a parent or carer separate children who start to hit? I tell parents to start by saying, “Uh-uh, I won’t let you hit each other.” Wait before separating them. Underplaying situations is better than overplaying them. The more you make a big deal of it, the less children listen. The more you let children figure things out with guidance, the more capable they become.
If your child is on the verge of hitting, you may block his hand with yours and gently hold him back. Say, “I won’t let you. What else can you do?” He may choose to contain his aggressive feelings or find another way to express them. Learning to control aggression and release it into socially acceptable channels is a long process.” Excerpt From: Magda Gerber & Allison Johnson. “Your Self-Confident Baby.” John Wiley & Sons, Inc. iBooks.
“Aggression, in the form of yelling, pushing, or hitting, is perfectly normal behavior for toddlers. It’s a good sign that your child is actively and openly dealing with his feelings and experiencing his conflicts. As parents, we need to steer our children in the right direction, showing them appropriate ways to express themselves. " “You can ask him, “Are you angry? Do you want to hit?” or you may tell him, “You sure look angry.” Be careful not to project by telling him he is angry. It’s important to separate desires from actions. If we punished people for thinking bad thoughts, everybody would be in jail. Thoughts and feelings should be free.”
“Our children look to us as guideposts for their feelings, incorporating our attitudes into their psyches. They are sensitive to our reactions. We should always respect their feelings. If the child’s ensuing action is undesirable (as when your angry child wants to kick you), acknowledge his feelings, set limits, and give him the opportunity to figure out what to do. “You seem angry. I won’t let you kick me. What else can you do?” Excerpt From: Magda Gerber & Allison Johnson. “Your Self-Confident Baby.” John Wiley & Sons, Inc. iBooks.
We potty trained Oliver at 30 months. We read the book "Oh Crap!" and we just followed the advice of the book and it worked out great for us. What follows is some of the notes I made while reading her book. We night trained at about 33 months. Oliver was uncomfortable in his diaper and was asking not to wear it. The book recommends that we do scheduled night-pee breaks. When we tried this with Oliver he was so sleepy that he just didn't pee. At three years old he still wets the bed if he has too much liquid in the evening, which is about once a week. If we're smart about it we make his bed with a mattress cover, a sheet, then a towel on top, and another sheet. This way when he wets the bed we can strip off the top layer. However he never wakes up when he wets the bed and since sleep is so precious I am fine with a wet bed once a week.
What I take away as the basic idea of her approach is that toddlers resist us when we pressure them or when we have an agenda. She puts the responsibility on the parent to notice when pee or poo is coming. If the child has an accident the parent is responsible and apologizes "I'm sorry I didn't get you to the potty". You, as the parent, have to figure out what your child's pee pee dance is and gain an awareness of how much they can drink, how often they pee and poop. You never ask "do you have to pee?" which seems like pressure. You casually say "It's time to go sit on the potty".
Oliver, for example, gets really wriggly and fidgety when he has to poop. He starts acting hyper and he tries really hard to avoid the potty. Then out of nowhere it's an emergency "Poop is coming!!" and we rush the the potty. If I tell him "Can I read you this book while you pee?" (pretending I don't know he needs to poop) then he will poop easily.
Hazel at 15 months spontaneously pooped in the potty. She's now done it twice - she's 16 months. When she does she stands and sits 30 times before she finally poops. She really needs a chance to settle in in her own way.
Hazel potty trained at 29 months. Her potty training was a breeze because she was excited to do it. She was the first one in her class to potty train and her teachers were so grateful to have her trail blazing. When Hazel has to poop she farts a lot and seeks a private place. At three years old I can still tell that she has to poop whenever she is very quietly playing by herself in another room. She rarely has poop accidents, but has pee accidents once a week or so. She rarely tells us when she has to pee. If a potty is available to her in the living room she will take herself to go pee. She prefers to be in control of the process. Whereas Oliver chose to stop nap and night diapers at 33 months, Hazel still uses a nap and night diaper at three years old. Hazel is resistant to being told she "has to" go pee, such as before a car trip, and she will fight it. She does not want to stop having a night diaper. She has frequent accidents at school, probably once a week. Hazel needs to feel in control of the potty process, so we do things like offer a big potty or little potty. Offer to use toilet paper or baby wipe. We try to offer her choices that are okay with us to make her feel more in control of her potty time.
http://www.amazon.com/Oh-Crap-Potty-Training-Everything/dp/1501122983
The ideal time is right around 24 months, maybe earlier.
“Once a child is three, he is well into the process of individualization, which is the process by which he begins to realize he is his own person and has his own free will and can make his own choices.” Much more resistance. She has a chapter about kids over three. "
"Don't ask yourself if your child is ready, ask yourself if your child is capable. "
“This ideal potty training time frame is usually accompanied by other markers, which I look for even before I look at age: Does your child retreat to a corner or private place to poop? Can your child recite the “ABC” song? (I think this signifies ability to memorize or learn sequences? Can't remember) Can your child communicate his needs? By this I mean: Can your child somehow ask for water, juice, or milk when he’s thirsty? Can your child somehow ask for a snack when he’s hungry? Can your child throw a tantrum for candy at the market?”
If kids have big sleep issues tackle that first.
Don't tell friends or put it on social media when you start, just when you finish.
Get in sync with partner about what plan is. You can't be like "I'm tackling this solo." Has to be a partnership in sync.
Completely clear calendar for one week.
You can't try to potty train. There is only do or do not do, no try
One week before start “Start talking about throwing away diapers. Don’t mention potty training. Don’t mention anything about the toilet or pee or poop. Just mention as you’re changing diapers, “On Sunday, we’re going to throw your diapers away”
The child will feel like they have a diaper on if you go straight from diaper to underpants and you'll have a lot of accidents. You need to do a month of commando.
She recommends one or two days naked at home followed by one month of commando (pants without underwear). We did only one day naked since he was older and already used to peeing in the potty.
“Remember the timeline. We are taking your child’s awareness from Clueless to I Peed to I’m Peeing to I Have to Go Pee.” <- This is really for younger kids. Oliver could tell us when he was peeing and when he had to pee.
The child learn one block at a time like a block tower.
“Here are the major blocks or phases, in order:
Peeing and pooping while naked, either with prompting or without.
Peeing and pooping with clothes on, commando, with prompting or without.
Peeing and pooping in different situations, with prompting or without.
Peeing and pooping with underpants, with prompting or without.
Consistent self-initiation.
Night and nap (unless you are choosing to do it all together; more on that later).”
Day 1
Naked all day at home all day. Other than that normal, no big change in food. This is the new normal.
“If your child is younger than twenty-four months, you should not push extra fluids. I have no idea why, but kids under twenty-four months can’t handle the extra intake. Just give normal amounts of liquid to these little ones.”
Do nothing but watch your child. Do not look at your phone or your computer ever. It is YOUR job to notice when they have to pee.
"read stories, dance around naked. Let the dishes go, don’t vacuum or dust, don’t do laundry. You will be on your child like white on rice. No computer! Don’t get on the phone! Don’t read a magazine or book!”
“Let’s break this day down into minutiae, starting with that first pee. If you’re doing your job, which is watching your child, you’ll catch that pee quickly. Don’t panic, don’t scream. Just say something like, “Oo, oo, hold it, honey . . .” Pick your child up and get him to the potty ASAP. Hopefully, you’ll make it in time for some of the pee to go in the pot (yes, you will leave a trail of pee behind). Once the pee is in the pot, you have lots of options, depending on your child. You can high five, dance around, have him look at it and empty it, you can make a big deal out of it, or you can just say, “Thank you” or “Wow. You did it.”
“You are not to ask you child if she has to go. Never, in the coming week, will you ask your child if she has to go. You will prompt her by saying something like, “Come. It’s time to pee.”
“This look is part interest—there’s a certain fascination for him in watching himself pee, to be sure—but he’ll also probably look at you like a deer in the headlights. “Uh-oh . . . what the hell am I supposed to do now?” Keep an eye out for this look. Often it comes right before the pee, and it can help you get your child to the toilet in time.”
“It’s very common to have what looks like a disaster in the first two or three days, and then have things magically click into place.”
“From start date to self-initiation usually takes about three weeks for most kids, even superverbal communicators.”
“If your child gets freaked out and starts to cry, keep her on the pot and just hug her. Look her in the eyes if that helps her—some kids really need you to look them in the eyes if they’re having a hard time, though when things are progressing normally, most kids prefer not to be stared down—and let her know it’s okay”
“You will still use diapers for naps (and bedtime), but you will now clearly and directly tell your child what is going on: “I’m going to put a diaper on you for nap because you’re still learning. You’ve done such a good job today, and your nap is a long time. You may not remember to pee when you’re sleeping. When you wake up, we’re going to take it right off.”
“I really encourage you to look at your own behavior during potty training rather than putting it solely on your child.”
“A successful completion of Block One should look something along the lines of your child, while naked, can sit to pee and poop on the potty. This can be because you prompted, you led him, or he went on his own. If you do not see this, you are still on Block One and should not move on until you see a successful completion of the end result. D”
“By day two, the fun is gone, you are serious about full-time potty use, and your child is over it and resistant ”
“Underpants, self-initiation, and night/nap dryness all sort of blend into the recipe at around three weeks after your start date.”
These are all the notes I took, but the book had a lot more helpful stuff to say. I really recommend getting the book.
One of Oliver's teachers recommended that we offer him a chance to pee on the potty when we're doing a diaper change and the diaper is already off. We've been doing this for about two months and now he is mostly diaper-free at home (and naked). He tells us when he needs to pee and happily pees. He gets a cranberry as a reward. He is not pooping on the potty although he says he wants to, he just changes his mind when he gets into the bathroom.
We are not doing time-outs.
"Young children can’t compartmentalize bad behavior, so punishment tends to convince them that they are bad (rather than the behavior) and must therefore hide away parts of themselves, which will not foster open communication, now or in the future." Source "Janet Lansbury" a RIE person. http://www.ehow.com/ehow-mom/blog/be-the-person-your-child-confides-in/
A lot of the stuff I've read focuses on trying to see the intention behind a misbehavior, offering alternative solutions, being empathetic to the emotion, and setting limits on behavior. Like a kid is throwing food, maybe to get attention, the parent might say "I won't let you throw food. It looks like you're trying to get my attention. It can be frustrating when I talk only to Dada at dinner. A different way to do that is to say 'I want attention'".
About three months ago Oliver was anxious around bedtime and he wanted someone to rub his back, sit in the chair or stay with him while he fell asleep. We basically did check-and-console where I did two books, lots of snuggles, a song, back rubbing for one minute, and then left him for ten minutes. Then came back and soothed him again. Now he can be bouncing off the walls when I leave the room and he settles himself. He's also taking three hour naps sometimes and sleeps in until 8:00am. It's amazing. Knock on wood.
My kids loved to paint at this age but it was so messy. I found that if I used a cardboard box from Amazon with about 6 inch sides and put the paper in the box, then the young child can paint with a brush and all the mess stays in the box. I loved to watch them and ask them to tell me what they were painting.
“Possessiveness and ownership are normal steps before the ability to share gradually begins around the ages of three or four.” Excerpt From: Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., Cheryl Erwin & Roslyn Ann Duffy. “Positive Discipline: The First Three Years.”
“Susie is ready to learn and practice the social skill of sharing.” Excerpt From: Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., Cheryl Erwin & Roslyn Ann Duffy. “Positive Discipline: The First Three Years.”
“Time-outs should not be used with children under the age of three and a half to four years of age. Until children reach the age of reason, which starts around age two and a half ” Excerpt From: Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., Cheryl Erwin & Roslyn Ann Duffy. “Positive Discipline: The First Three Years.”
Article about sibling stuff: http://www.handinhandparenting.org/article/sibling-rivalry-some-solutions/
“Remember, today, yesterday, or last week are measures of time that children under four or five do not fully understand.” Excerpt From: “Positive Discipline: The First Three Years.”
When Oliver was about 2 1/2 we had a really long commute. I wanted to get him into books on tape so I spent a few long car rides telling him the story of "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" from memory. He loved it. Then we started to read the book with me doing a lot of translating and explaining big words. It worked. We read that book about 5 times all the way through in 8 months and "The Great Glass Elevator" and he now loves chapter books. He still doesn't really like books on tape though.
Hazel is 2 1/2. She rides a scooter. She does not have a lot of interest in books. She loves to sing, cut with scissors, and draw. She loves to draw letters. Right now she draws H, L and O.
Hazel potty trained at about 2 1/4 years. At 2 1/2 she wears a diaper to sleep.
Hazel falls asleep around 8pm. I read her a book, sing her a song, and then I sing to her while I'm in the hallway for about two minutes. She sleeps until about 6:30am, and she naps every day about 1.5 to 2.5 hours. Her naps start between 12 and 1pm. She naps in her crib.
Hazel was about two years old when we converted her crib to have a toddler rail so she can get in and out on her own. For a little while she would experiment with getting out. I told her "you can get out, you can take off your pajamas, you can sleep naked on the floor". She stopped when it wasn't a power struggle any more.
Hazel loves Daniel Tiger. She's not really interested in movies.
Gifts for this age: pocket calculator, bubble stuff, children's safety scissors, your own wallet with cards in it, doctor kit, costumes, balance beam.
Both of our kids got scooters when they turned two. We never allowed them to ride without a helmet.
It's normal to go through big sleep and potty regressions around 2.5 - 3 years old.
Young three year olds can't understand false belief. If shown a candy box which turns out to (surprise!) be full of pencils then asked what someone else will think is on the box they will say pencils. They also don't understand changing one's mind. "scientist in the crib"
Three year olds are practicing making inferences about things based on their category. If they see a bluejay and you say "this bird can fly" and then they see a sparrow and you tell them it's a bird they will conclude that it can fly.
Three and four year olds know that living things have complicated insides and that rocks have uniform insides.
Understand that kittens become cats and are the same category
Most people will retain no memories before 3 and a half years of age. Memories will be sketchy until five or six.
Children recall things that happened over a year ago, but they will forget them by adulthood.
Children need to develop narrative memory, recalling who, what, where, why, when. Children whose parents ask them these questions and read stories to them develope narrative memory sooner. Long term memories are formed when children develop narrative story telling. "What's going on in there"
Three year olds can consciously remember something when asked to remember it. They have strategies to remember things.
Three year olds have memories from before they knew how to speak.
People at work have said that their dentists recommend something called dental sealants for kids when their adult molars start to come in. Apparently this is common, some adults got them 20 years ago, and the wisdom of the crowds is that it's a safe and effective practice. I have not done my own research.
“By the age of seven or eight months, most babies understand the meanings of a few words. By three years of age, most children understand ordinary, conversational language, although they may not be able to produce it themselves. Children often understand many words by the age of one year, but they may say only a few before they are two years old” Excerpt From: Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., Cheryl Erwin & Roslyn Ann Duffy. “Positive Discipline: The First Three Years.”
“Time-outs should not be used with children under the age of three and a half to four years of age. Until children reach the age of reason, which starts around age two and a half ” Excerpt From: Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., Cheryl Erwin & Roslyn Ann Duffy. “Positive Discipline: The First Three Years.”
Just don't use time-outs: http://www.pbs.org/newshour/updates/column-why-you-should-never-use-timeouts-on-your-kids/
The book "Oh Crap" on potty training says that if you haven't night-trained your child by 3 and a half the child will go through a major phase of bladder development and not develop those muscles, leading to years or a lifetime of night pee accidents. Our pediatrician disagrees with this. Our daughter just turned four and she is still in diapers at night, and we wish we had made this a priority earlier. Night training at four is really hard.
We see a strong correlation to the amount of physical force we use with Oliver and the amount of hitting he does with others. If I use physical force to pull him away when he refused to leave the sand box or I pick him up and plunk him on the potty he is much more likely to regain his sense of power by hitting later that day or the next day.
When I ask Oliver to do something like leave the sandbox so we can go inside I find that the best thing I can do is act like he's going to listen to me. Rather than say "I said come in, did you hear me? It's time to come in. Come in now. Get up and come in" over and over. I try to be like "I can tell you really want to play, but it's time to come in" and then start walking away a few steps and pause. He doesn't want to leave the sandbox but when he senses me moving away he realizes it's really time. I'm showing him that it's time.
At three years old Oliver is not a terror. He's very sweet and he wants to be cuddled and read to all the time. He can be very rough with Hazel. She wants to "do her own thing" and he wants to play, he seems to lash out when she doesn't go along with his game.
Oliver wants everything done for him: he wants me to put on his pants, shoes, pull up his pants, etc.
Oliver always wants mama and rejects Alex daily. He always wants me to do his bedtime, potty time, be the one to wake him up, carry him in from the car.
He was resisting his bedtime routine for a while, saying he didn't want to go potty or get into bed. One night I blocked his potty and I said "you can't use this potty unless you pay me one green lego". He lit up and ran to the legos. We've been doing this for two weeks and bedtime is a breeze. He pays me to use the potty and he pays me again to get into bed. Making it into a game really took the power struggle away and it's been nice.
I often calmly say to Oliver when he's crying or whining "It seems like you're wondering if I'll get you the cookie because you're crying for it. The answer is no, I won't get you the cookie if you cry". And then he just stops crying.
Oliver loves broccoli. He prefers it steamed. We realized he prefers things simple and separated. Given a plate with some beans, some rice, some cheese, and some broccoli he will work his way around and eat them all, often eating broccoli first. Given a burrito he will cry that he doesn't want broccoli in his burrito. He does not want fancy sauces on things at all. He loves frozen peas and nori. He dabbles in raw red pepper and green beans. He loves roasted brussels sprouts.
One thing that has been a godsend is putting a timeline on bedtime: bath is from 7:30-8:00. Reading is from 8:00-8:30. I leave his room by 8:45. What this means is that if he's running away while we try to put his pajamas on there is now a no-drama no-anger natural consequence: he gets less reading time. And I find that since I now know when bedtime will be over I'm not thinking "I'll be stuck here forever!" and so I am so much more peaceful with him. It's been a big positive change for us.
Hazel loves: cutting with scissors. Coloring with markers. Playing chase. Building forts. Taking care of babies. Helping to cook and clean up after meals. She generally loves doing adult tasks such as typing on a pretend keyboard (we don't let her use real computers), driving a car (actually sitting in a carboard box and holding a paper plate like a wheel). She loves to put bandaids on people and boss us around like "you can have this but only if you hold it very tight."
You can introduce a balance bike here. I strongly warn against training wheels. Learning to balance is the first skill for a child who is on their way toward riding a bike.
Oliver loves chapter books. He can't really digest anything scary, but here are some books he loves: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, The Great Glass Elevator, Pippy Longstocking, My Father's Dragon.
This podcast from Janet Lansbury about when and how to use physical force is really good. I love this calm anticipation idea: http://www.janetlansbury.com/2017/12/stuck-pattern-frustration-impatience-anger/
The book "Oh Crap" on potty training says that if you haven't night-trained your child by 3 and a half the child will go through a major phase of bladder development and not develop those muscles, leading to years or a lifetime of night pee accidents. Our pediatrician disagrees with this. Our daughter just turned four and she is still in diapers at night, and we wish we had made this a priority earlier. Night training at four is really hard.
The only TV shows he likes are Dora the Explorer and Daniel Tiger. Daniel Tiger has a lot of good info about handling emotions.
We just made our first smoothies and they are a big hit: a big bag of spinach, a bag of frozen strawberries, a banana, and some orange juice.
Oliver has been telling us he's afraid at bedtime. For a while I reasoned with him. If he told me he was afraid of pirates I'd tell him that pirates are only on the ocean and they don't come into people's houses. And I'd tell him I'll fight the pirates if they come. But it felt like I was playing "wack-a-mole": once on fear was settled the feeling came up somewhere else and he was now afraid of a scary owl outside. Finally I changed my approach: "It's okay to be afraid. Being afraid won't hurt you. Fear is a feeling like sadness is a feeling and it comes and goes. It's okay to feel afraid. You're safe". Now when he's afraid I let him know it's okay and I can see that he's calling me into his room with fears less often. I don't think this is because he was being manipulative, although I do think he was. I think that when I was "solving" his fear I was sending him the message that fear is bad, and that he should be afraid of fear, and that caused an axiety cycle. By allowing the feeling he's not as anxious about it and it's a non-issue now.
This is the right age to introduce a balance bike if you haven't done that already.
This Janet Lansbury podcast about 4 year olds is really great. I love her calm roll-play in this episode and permission to let stuff go. http://www.janetlansbury.com/2018/01/age-4-seems-like-another-planet/
Children understand lies and are able to lie convincingly.
Children start trying to explain others. Like "she spat that out because it tasted bad"
“Even at five years of age, children’s touch sensitivity remains greater in the face than on their hands.” Excerpt From: Eliot, Lise. “What's Going on in There?.”
Oliver learned to ride a peddle bike at 4 1/2 years old
He still sleeps in his converted crib.
At four years old he stopped being able to fall asleep in his crib for naps. We drive him around in the car for about 15 minutes and then carry him asleep from the car to his crib and he naps in his crib.
At 4 years old we started a strict dessert policy. No sugar at dinner or after dinner. Dessert might be a date or a piece of fruit.
Oliver has really started hitting and name-calling. When he doesn't get what he wants he calls us stupid. He's 4.5 years old. He says things like "I like to see that person cry because I don't like that person".
At 4.5 years old Oliver is very suddenly and intensely interested in women's bodies. He has asked his some women if he can cuddle with them to snuggle their breasts. We have a rule that you never play with someone else's private parts, even if that person says its okay, so this counts as not allowed.
Oliver is still afraid of most movies at 4 1/2. He likes Mary Poppins, The Sound of Music and My Neighbor Totoro. There are no other movies that he wants to watch.
Around 4 years old Oliver learned to ride a bike. Alex took him to the park every single evening before dinner or after dinner. Alex got him a peddle bike without training wheels and would run next to him holding the back of his shirt with an iron grip. It's enough to steady the child and prevent them from really falling, but you let them balance themselves. Within a week Oliver was able to ride without Alex holding on.
At 4 years old Hazel loves to draw and paint. We got her lots of art supplies including envelopes and stamps. We're teaching her to write her friends names. She makes drawings, puts them into envelopes, and we send them to her friends. This activity of writing people's names has introduced her to lots of early literacy. At 3 and a half she knew all the letters and which sounds they make.
Oliver can get himself started and stop a bike, use the kickstand.
Oliver CAN get himself dressed, go potty by himself, put his own shoes on, and brush his own teeth. He really does not want to do these things my himself.
He is still sleeping in a converted grib.
He loves to climb. He climbs the banister and we find him scaling shelves and stuff. Everything has to be anchored to the wall.
He is misbehaving as a way to bond with friends. We see that during play dates he will on purpose do "naughty" things like throw Alex's keys in the trash, call hazel mean names, or break furniture in his bedroom.
Janet Lansbury has a great blog post about not giving power to bad words by not reacting to them. She talks about how when we ignore bad behavior we are not giving it power. If a child is screaming in a loud voice just to annoy you, you can be like "Maybe you'd like to go outside". I lose my patience a lot right now and it's important to remember that I am reinforcing bad behavior when I snap at him. I'm also setting a bad example of problem solving.
Oliver is lying a lot. We have been talking with him about what trust means. He's also stealing toys from school.
We finally got a twin bed for Oliver when he turned five. He goes to bed very easily every night at 8:00pm and sleeps 12+ hours. Rarely wakes up in the middle of the night.
In kindergarten Oliver is learning math and reading. He doesn't want to practice at home. BUT he will play games like crazy-8s where he keeps score on a piece of paper. He writes each person's score as a number and then adds their next score. He's doing math because he's motivated. We also invented crazy-tens which is the same game except that any 2 or 3 cards that add up to ten can be used as a wild.