In the general insanity of 2010, I decided to make a serious attempt to become East Kingdom Bardic Champions in 2011. About a month before the event, I checked and discovered, lo! there was a theme: contestants were asked to include at least one "Celtic" piece.
I have two pet peeves about the Celts, neither of which have anything to do with the Celts themselves. The first pet peeve has to do with pronunciation: It's a hard "c" (and in older books, you see it spelled Kelt). The only "selts" that exist play basketball.
The other is that "Celt" is a broad term; in many ways, it's even broader than "European." The Celts inhabited most of Europe before the Roman Empire, and their history includes both Christianity and pre-Christian paganism. I'd originally thought to do a story about Vercingetorix, who fought against Caesar. Vercingetorix's father, incidentally, was named...wait for it...Celtillus, and Celtillus himself was put to death for aspiring to become ruler of all the Arverni (which has a beautiful parallel with Caesar's later career). The only problem, as I researched it, was that there's not much to the story: Caesar invades, Vercingetorix raises an army, they fight, Vercingetorix loses, he surrenders dramatically.
Somewhere along the way, I remembered Boudicca. She's also a Celt (of the Iceni): she's a tall, fiery redhead with a golden torc and a harsh voice (from Dio Cassius's description). As I researched her story, a lot of interesting things came out. First, as everyone knows, her name was probably Boudicca. But what's interesting to me (from an SCA perspective) is that during the sixteenth century, she became quite a popular figure in English stories, for obvious reasons, but no one could quite figure out her name. Holinshed used Voadicia (here's a non-black letter version) while Spenser used Bunduca. The entry in Wikipedia, by the way, claimed that Holinshead used Bunduca. Because it was on Wikipedia, this myth has been perpetuated throughout the web.
If you know me (and if you've read this far, you either do or have far too much free time), you'll be able to instantly identify the bit about Bunduca's story that caught my attention. Note follow...
My friends, as you may know, there is a certain scribbler who fancies himself a playwright, but who can do no better than make wholesale theft from Holinshed to write those travesties he calls histories. Fortunate we are that this Lance Waver's reading of the Chronicles is so threadbare that he missed, and thereby preserved, the tale which I now tell.
When Rome grew corrupt and decadent, Nero became Princeps, and he appointed Catus Decianus as Procurator of Britain. He burned the nemeton wherein the druides met and built the colonna of Camelodunum in the ashes. Decianus then schemed with Seneca and the negotiatores of Londinium to loan vast sums of money to the leaders of the Iceni so they may be forever indebted to them. And when Prasutagas, the King of the Iceni, died, Decianus called forth his centurions and ordered them: "Prasutagas is dead, and he has no sons to conserve for his estate. So take the treasury for your Procurator, and what you will for yourselves. And if the Queen protests, then treat her as you should a woman."
This the centurions did. Now the Queen of the Iceni was known as Voidicia, and she protested at this maltreatment of her people. So the centurions flogged her and ravished her daughters. Seeing the royal family thus reduced, the centurions returned to Decianus to boast of their victory.
After they left, Queen Voidicia composed herself to address her people. In stature she was very tall, with tawny hair that reached her thighs. She was invariably clad in golden torc and tunic of diverse colors, with thick Irish mantle round her shoulders, and in this guise she spoke.
"My people. I speak to you not as your queen, but as a mother, friend, and kin. For we are all kinsfolk, being born and dwelt in this isle, with common name and tongue. When these Romans first arrived, they promised much for our compliance. But all our patience wins is greater depredation. They call us free, but yet we toil to build their baths and temples. Yearly we pay tribute for our bodies and taxes for our lands They take our best to fight their civil wars, and even that is not enough, for now they take what we most cherish.
"But who is most at fault for this, our degradation? The Centurions? The Procurator? The Emperor? NO! They are but the hand. We ourselves are author of our own mischief. When these Romans first arrived, they found us fractured by our quarrels, and so they offered aid, first to one and then another, so each is bound and neither free. We bear this insult, then sell ancient liberties for gaudy baubles and empty titles, and for this we are right contemned and trodden underfoot by those who study nothing else but how to wear the purple and wave the fasces.
"Arise, great nation! The men of Rome are hares who seek to rule o'er hawks and wolves. Arise, great nation! Let loose the fire of righteous vengeance, and scour this island free of foreign blood. Arise, great nation! While ancient freedoms still remain in living thought, send missive to the perfumed Caesars: free men follow those who lead, but quick destroy who would command."
Thus incited the Iceni marched on Camelodunum, over which Decianus in his arrogance had set but two hundred men. The city fell and the Iceni reduced it to ash and agony. They slew all who lived within the walls, and burned it down as sacrifice to Andraste, their goddess of war. Thirty thousand Romans died that day.
When Decianus heard of the disaster at Camelodunum, he...but perhaps that story is best left for another day.
I won't insult your intelligence by telling you who this is. Given his propensity for strong female characters, it is remarkable that he did not write a play on this topic. Perhaps he faced the same difficulty I did: you want her to win, but the history doesn't allow it. (But see Suetonius, the sequel)
Disclaimer: I didn't select the story of Boudicca for social commentary. And yet the sources do include plenty of commentary. Seneca's usurious loans are right out of the classical sources.
Yes, yes, I know that nemeton is a generic term. Camelodunum is believed by some to be the original Camelot.
This is one I actually toned down from Holinshed, who had her say "of them who study nothing else but how to become lords and rule other men." If I kept that line, most people would assume that I'd written it. Again, I didn't select the story for social commentary, but when it's there...
Dio Cassius had the Romans as hares and foxes trying to rule over dogs and wolves, which is consistent with what I know of Celtic animal sensibilities (i.e., I read somewhere that the Celts generally liked dogs). But given the (mostly negative) connotation of dogs, and the (somewhat positive) connotations of foxes, this makes the metaphor somewhat strained, so I rewrote it.
I had a lot of difficulty with locating the end of this piece. It needed to be split, as it would have been too long, but finding the exact break point eluded me until I performed it at the Bardic workshop in Albany. Michael Dixon/Toki suggested that I end it at this point, which seems like a good idea to me.