First published in Frogpond 32:2, Summer 2009, in a slightly shorter form. Reprinted in Where the Wind Turns: 2009 Red Moon Anthology (Winchester, Virginia: Red Moon Press, 2010). Please be sure to jump to each footnote as you read along.
May the Infinite Now grant me the serenity to accept the haiku
I cannot change, courage to change the haiku I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.
In a recent double-blind clinical study published by the Psychoanalytic Poetry Journal, researchers found haiku poetry to be the most addictive of all English-language writing pursuits. Of the 328 subjects tested over the course of the twelve-month study, a full 87 percent exhibited addictive haiku-writing behavior, as quantified by the Carani-Lucchetta Addictive Writing Scale (CLAWS). This widespread haiku-writing addiction manifested itself in many forms. Anecdotal reports included the obsessive seeking of “haiku moments,” fixated discussions on obscure Oriental terminology such as “wabi,” “sabi,” “yugen,” and “karumi,” manic arguments as to the correct “form” for haiku poetry (whether traditional or free-form), the regressive counting of syllables, a puerile tendency toward circular debates regarding the virtue of “senryu” versus “haiku,” and the excessive use of a further range of subgroup rhetoric and marginalized code words such as “ginko,” “kigo,” “renku,” and “hototogisu.” In a similar study, many subjects also reported: a) being unable to part themselves from pocket-sized notebooks and pencils, b) the compulsive purchase of haiku chapbooks and quarterlies, c) prolonged spousal ignoral, d) abnormal amounts of personal correspondence, e) frequent and unexplained stamp-licking, and f) unrelenting attendance at numerous haiku meetings, retreats, conferences, and haiku writing seminars. These subjects also exhibited other persistent behavior bordering on the odd and psychotic. This cumulative behavior, when manifested in adequate quantities, has been identified as Basic Anal-retentive Senryu/Haiku Obsession, also known as BASHO Syndrome, and has been shown to be present in an alarming number of practicing haiku poets.
In many cases, haiku-writing addiction reaches the point of religious fervor. While the prevalence of BASHO Syndrome should come as no surprise to seasoned amateur and professional haiku poets in English-speaking countries, it does suggest a growing need for treatment methodologies when the addiction syndrome reaches an intolerance threshold. To meet this necessity, this paper proposes a twelve-step haiku recovery program, and also calls for the establishment of a much-needed haiku-obsession recovery and support group. This organization will be called Haikuholics Anonymous, also known as “HA.”
We may continue this discussion of haiku-writing obsession by presenting the aforementioned twelve steps of recovery for those persons exhibiting haikuholic tendencies:
Obsessive haiku writers reading these twelve steps should not despair at the extent of this list, nor be discouraged by the heavy demands it may suggest. Haikuholics should not attempt to become perfect poets, but rather, seek to make progress toward that perfection, which, of course, eschews all haiku.
With these steps in mind, and with a significant body of like-minded haiku-obsessors in central geographic regions, it is possible to develop the fellowship necessary to form haiku recovery and support groups. While compulsive haiku writing is not widespread in such places as North Dakota, Idaho, Prince Edward Island, Manitoba, or the Yukon Territory, BASHO Syndrome and related haiku ailments have reached epidemic proportions in such population centers as Boston, New York, Portland, Seattle, San Francisco, Ottawa, and Toronto. These regions should immediately form a HA chapter to meet the present and anticipated needs of the obsessed haiku poets in their local areas, and should also provide long-distance telephone support for haikuholics in outlying areas through the 1-800-NO-HAIKU support system (formed in 1994 by refugees from the Universal Haiku Association based in Reykjavík, Iceland).
Once a local chapter of Haikuholics Anonymous is established, it is recommended that it adhere to the following twelve traditions:
Established Haikuholics Anonymous groups might also wish to adopt the following statement of aims and purposes, distilled from HA’s twelve traditions:
Haikuholics Anonymous is a fellowship of recovering men and women haiku poets who share their experience, spirituality, and knowledge of poetry rules with each other that they may overcome their common haiku-writing obsession and help others to recover from haikuholism. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop writing haiku. There are no dues or fees for HA membership; we are self-supporting through our own contributions. HA is not allied with any haiku group, haiku publication, or formal style; does not wish to engage in any poetic controversy; neither endorses nor opposes any poetic causes. Our primary purpose is to keep from writing haiku and to help other haikuholics to achieve abundant haiku-free living.
 With more research, further positive results are expected with the use of personal priority shifting, botanical medicine regimens, and self-help recovery programs such as Haikuholics Anonymous.
The goal of Haikuholics Anonymous is complete withdrawal from the writing of haiku in order to counteract the uncontrollable obsession indicated by BASHO Syndrome. While Haikuholics Anonymous is an effective means to this end, it is proposed that numerous approaches to dealing with compulsive and obsessive haiku-writing behavior can work in harmony with HA to improve personal and domestic tranquillity among today’s thriving poets. The complete absence of haiku-writing behavior may be too much to hope for among some delusionary subjects. Nevertheless, significant cessation rates are certainly possible with the appropriate formation of Haikuholics Anonymous support groups in select North American cities. All haiku writers who have suffered the afflictions of haiku obsession are hereby challenged to seek sanity in their lives by immediately forming a local chapter of Haikuholics Anonymous.
 Arthur N. Samuels and Jocelyn Farquharson-Dalrymple. “Addictive Traits Among Medium- to Well-Established Haiku Poets: A Double-Blind Study of Image-Reflex Observation.” Psychoanalytic Poetry Journal XXV:11, 218–32, 1994.
 Caroline Carani and Bertrand Lucchetta. “Towards a Quantitative Assessment of Writing-Addiction Behaviour: The Carani-Lucchetta Addictive Writing Scale.” Poetry Therapy Weekly LV:42, 72–98, 1972.
 Samuels and Farquharson-Dalrymple, op cit.
 Millicent Q. Laplander. “Cultic Tendencies and Poetic Neuroses Among Prize-Winning Haiku Poets of Late Twentieth-Century North America.” Neuroses Daily III:4, 13–58, 1992.
 Johnson Kidder Templeton. “Basic Anal-retentive Senryu/Haiku Obsession Syndrome: A Progressive Longitudinal Study of 100 Severely Underpublished Haiku Poets.” Wooden Oats Haiku Weekly, XXX:13, 102–115, 1989.
 Archibald Hatcherdon, Elaine Dunhampton, and Billy Smith. “Carpal-Tunnel Vision Among Aspiring Haiku Poets: A Report of Regional Correlation.” Psychotic Neuralgia Studies CX:1, 38–44, 1995.
 Andrew Addlepate and Richard Paul Stone. “Poetry-Writing Behaviour Modification Amongst Nature-Deprived Inner-City Haiku Poets: The Positive Effects of Placebo-Controlled Kigozac Administration.” Medical Poetry Journal IV:3, 1192–1234, 1991.
This essay had a long gestation. I first thought of the idea around 1992, but never wrote it because I didn’t have access to any materials on which to base this paper. Then came the catalysts. In December of 1994, I edited a book on herbal medicine, which filled my head with convoluted academic and medical references and especially footnotes. And then, in January of 1995, I finally wrote this piece after a coworker mentioned that she was on the wagon, and I asked her if she could share some materials from a certain twelve-step recovery group. After that, I presented this paper at numerous haiku conferences and meetings, but never submitted it for publication until 2008. It appeared not only in Frogpond, but was reprinted in the 2009 Red Moon Anthology for the best haiku writing of the year.
—19 October 2009