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Logical Personality Jokes

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A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...

"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" 

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. 

The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."

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Teacher: "Johnny, write a sentence ending with the word hand." 

Johnny: "My penis in your hand." 

Teacher: "What?" 

Johnny: "Sorry teacher, I forgot to put a space between pen is."

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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. 

Little Johnny, a child in the Kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. 

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked, "Johnny, what is the matter?" 

Little Johnny groaned and responded , "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

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Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic."
 
Father: "Why?"
 
Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'" 

Father: "But that's right!" 

Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'"
 
Father: "What's the fucking difference?"
 
Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"

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Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. 

"Give me your money," he demanded. 

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!" 

"In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!"

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Two factory workers are talking. 

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." 

The man replies, "And how would you do that?" 

The woman says, "Just wait and see." 

She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. 

The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" 

The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." 

The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. 

I think you need to take the day off." 

The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" 

The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

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An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. 

He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. 

His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. 

He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father." 

The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed" 

At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. 

Disappointed they leave the house. 

A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. 

"Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. 

That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."

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A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. 

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office. 

“Since we weren’t actually at war,” the General began, “I can’t give out any medals. 

We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. 

What we’ve decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. 

You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. 

We’ll start on the left, boys, so what’ll it be?” 

Soldier 1: “The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!” 

General: “Very good son, that’s 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds” 

Soldier 2: “The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!” 

General: “Even better son, that’s 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds” 

Soldier 3: “The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!” 

General: “That’s a strange but fair request, son! 

As the general begins the measurement: “What! Son, where is your left pinky?” 

Soldier 3: “Falkland Island, sahr!”

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"Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?"

"I see a Red Bird looking at me."

"Red Bird, Red Bird, what do you see?"

"I see a Yellow Duck looking at me."

"Yellow Duck, Yellow Duck, what do you see?"

"I see a Blue Horse looking at me."

"Blue Horse, Blue Horse, what do you see?"

"I see a Green Frog looking at me."

"Green Frog, Green Frog, what do you see?"

"I see a Purple Cat looking at me."

"Purple Cat, Purple Cat, what do you see?"

"I see a White Dog looking at me."

"White Dog, White Dog, what do you see?"

"I see a Black Sheep looking at me."

"Black Sheep, Black Sheep, what do you see?"

"I see a Goldfish looking at me......"

"We are a bunch of Party Animals with ADHD gathering around in the Animal Circus Circus on the hill."

Until the King of the Kings in the Animal Kingdom showed up, saying
"I see no animal in the funk.  I only see myself, a puff up strong image."

Then the Lion says to itself in solitude, 
"Party Animals are all blind, deaf, can't focus and have memory loss.  
I have gone through magical plastic surgery and I am the mystical creatures of a Lion, an Ox, a Man, and an American Eagle."
"Go figure Who I Am?"
   

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