War Outside, Peace Inside

When I was growing up in India, I heard some of my elders repeat the same thing. They’d say: “what’s most important in life is not money, not happiness, not freedom, but manas-shanti (peace of mind).” As a teenager, I thought they were full of crap. I couldn’t deny that the unifying theme of Eastern Civilizations like India and China for thousands of years was just that: the pursuit of internal peace that is not dependent on external circumstances. But I wanted to be more like Westerners, who worked to make the external world better instead of focusing on esoteric things like internal peace.

Fast forward thirty some years, that Indian boy finds himself about 8000 miles away from his place of birth. I’m in the middle of an undeclared Civil War. The world around me is polarized with very little civil discourse among the factions: doves vs. hawks, Muslims vs. non-Muslims, gay-friendly vs. anti-gay forces, and so on and on. True to my childhood wish, I am not a serene sage on the sidelines in a lotus position, but a sergeant in arms up to my neck in the muck. Unlike my wiser ancestors, I have no hesitation about taking sides. At the drop of a hat or a turban, I let others know that I abhor the continued white exploitation of a predominantly non-white planet, that if non-violence is good enough for people of color to counter white terrorism, it is good enough for whites to use in response to terrorists of color, and that I’m distressed by the cluelessness of many of my fellow-heterosexuals about their “straight” privilege and obsession—I can’t watch even a minute of any of the dozens of “Barbi meets Ken” shows on TV without retching up the curry from lunch.

What happened? How did I go from being the child of yoga-practicing seekers of peace to a brown Malcolm X for whom peace without justice is cowardice? For an answer, I reviewed the life stories of people who had inspired me as a child. What I’ve found is this: my heroes such as Frederick Douglass, Harriet Tubman, and Gandhi retained grace, dignity, and peace within themselves even when they faced social turbulence including ridicule and physical violence. I, on the other hand, have thrown my peaceful center away and have become one with the turbulence. My heroes also believed that truth would ultimately prevail. As Gandhi said, “Whenever I despair, I remember that the way of truth and love has always won. There may be tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they may seem invincible, but in the end, they always fail. Think of it: always.”

As I grow older, I’ll continue to stand up for justice. But I will try to be more like the women and men I admire and do everything I do, not with despair and rage but with hope and love. To those who gave me life and to those who make it worth living, this is my promise: there may be war outside, but inside me there will be peace.

(Dec 2003)