The Greenhouse (Marriage Equality)

This June the delegates to the general assembly of the Unitarian Universalist Association will be selecting an issue to study and act upon during the next three years. As you know, one of the issues that may be voted on is proposed by members and friends of the First UU Church of Columbus, Ohio. The study/action issue is but one of the ways we as a faith movement can affirm gay and lesbian lives and relationships.

For a non-gay person, I know a little bit about society's withholding of affirmation and the needless pain it causes. In 1986, while living in Cincinnati, I met a 24-year-old medical student. I would look into her big eyes as I listened to her global perspective on life, and I fell head over heels into see-your-face-among-the-clouds-all-the-time, my-world-goes-dark-when-you-close-your-eyes, and may-I-whittle-your-name-on-every-park-bench kind of love. But all hell broke loose when we announced our engagement. "If you want to marry an Indian, couldn't you find someone lighter-skinned?" her mom said to her. Her dad couldn't believe that Mowgli from Jungle Book came over to America and wanted to marry his daughter. He started an investigation of my background. My family’s reaction was only slightly better. “Well,” said one of my brothers. “Every time you look at her, will you not remember that people of her skin color raped and pillaged your people for three centuries? Also, how will she like waking up every morning next to a representative of the Third World?” So when Lauri and I got married, we weren't exactly the Prince of Wales and Lady Di tying the knot and warming the cockles of countless hearts on all continents. Her parents showed up grudgingly at our wedding, like Klansmen at a bar mitzvah. Many of our friends who came probably thought that we were doomed before we ever started.

This November L and I celebrate our fifteenth anniversary. We have three well-adjusted children and the love and acceptance of our parents and friends. If anyone still thinks that we are not as happy as what I call homoracial couples, you’re welcome to come spend a few days with us. But that’s not to say that we have complete social acceptance. Even today a stranger's hateful glance reminds us that our marriage would have been illegal in many states until the mid-1960's. We still avoid holding hands in some public places so as not to offend our fellow-citizens.

All relationships start out, not as mighty oaks, but as saplings that need the sunshine of affirmation and protection from the bad weather of harrassment. A marriage is a social contract that promises this affirmation. Whether you believe gay and lesbian relationships need this affirmation or not, it's important that we talk about it. So our task force is proposing that member congregations of the UUA study and act upon same sex marriage as a social, legal, and spiritual institution. This service is put together to give you a glimpse into the lives of those for whom this is not just an academic question.

The church is a greenhouse for all relationships. It is a sanctuary for unconditional love. The church cherishes and nurtures us and fights for us. In the name of all the Unitarian Universalists who gave their lives so that their fellow-human beings could have fundamental human and civil rights, I invite you to open your hearts and minds to the life stories that follow.

(April 2003)