Officers responded to the scene of Main Street on Saturday night after receiving a call from what seemed to be an older woman, a smoker for sure, but what she smokes is not for sure. The woman was frantic over the phone, claiming she had seen Bigfoot walking down the street, carrying the head of a child. The call had been cut short after this woman said, “Gotta go, my guy is here!” Dispatch traced the call to a payphone on Main Street.
When officers arrived, there was no sign of the stereotypical Bigfoot. But, soon after, bloody screams and running families flooded the streets. Officers ran the opposite way, trying to find this Bigfoot-like specimen that was making the commotion. After running a couple of blocks, law enforcement stopped in their tracks, in awe. In the middle of the street stood a 400 pound man, his round stomach hanging out of his shirt, cheeseburger in one hand, a human head in another. This walking earthquake sported a badge on his left shoulder, reading M.H.H.D., which was later said to be the Montana Head Hunter’s Department, a secret organization that hunts people with bounties, but collects heads for confirmation. The living mass of lard agreed to come to the station for questioning, where he opened up about his strange life. The man pleaded his case saying that all of this nonsense was legal. When talking about how he got into this business he said it ran in the family. He stated that his father had taken the heads of all 12 siblings of his, and that he had been the only one to survive childhood due to his massive stature.
After all was said, the police contacted this organization and found the man innocent, and that he was only doing his job. They told him, for future reference, to refrain from carrying his heads in public. The head hunter, who didn’t even know his own name, was released from custody, and went back to his day-to-day life.