Relational Wellness
What is a Healthy Relationship?
Throughout life we form many relationships with family members, friends, romantic partners, acquaintances, teachers, coworkers, and community leaders. The quality of these relationships can impact our overall wellbeing, either positively or negatively. Knowing how to recognize red flags and green flags in all relationships and having a trusted adult you can talk to about conflict in any relationship are two of the most important things you can do to support your overall relational health.
ABCs of Relational Health
A ttitude. Does your partner respect you? Do you respect them? An attitude of mutual respect within relationships means that the people involved feel admiration and regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, and traditions of others. It is much harder to hurt someone when you respect them.
B oundaries. Boundaries are of the utmost importance in every, single relationship. There are many types of boundaries: physical, emotional, sexual, financial, time-related, and expectation boundaries. Think about your boundaries before you enter a romantic relationship and make time to reflect on your boundaries when you are dating. Some questions you can ask yourself are:
How much time do I want to spend with this person?
What are my physical boundaries? (For instance, you may be comfortable kissing or holding hands with a partner in private, but not in public.)
Which activities make me feel safe and which make me uncomfortable?
Practice sharing these boundaries with your partner. Remember, you can change your boundaries at any time, for any reason. You define your barriers and set your own appropriate boundaries. Communicate which unmoving boundaries are important to you.
C ommunication. Boundaries and an attitude of respect are wonderful characteristics within a relationship, but they mean nothing if they are not clearly communicated. Be direct and honest with your partner. Tell them what your boundaries are and how they can respect them. Talk with them about how much you admire and respect them. When something is bothering you -- share this with your partner!
Relationship Characteristics
Green Flags
Respect. This is deep admiration and regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, and traditions of others. Mutual respect is the foundation of every single relationship from romantic partners to friends, from parents to siblings.
Trust. Feeling confident within relationships is so important -- knowing that your parent, partner, or friend will have your back.
Honesty. When partners, friends, and family members are reliably truthful, even when the truth is messy and difficult, relationships thrive.
Compromise. The ability to settle on an agreeable option when you disagree is essential.
Individuality. Each person in a relationship needs to have the space and time to do things independently and to maintain their own individual interests and hobbies. This minimizes the likelihood of codependence.
Anger Control. Feeling upset and angry within a relationship normal. Stop and ask yourself, how does my partner act when they are angry? How do they treat me, and how do I treat them, when we are both upset? Respect, honesty, compromise, and overall safety should still be upheld, especially in moments of anger.
Fair Fighting. Fair fighting is when you are able to have an argument with your friend or partner that sticks to the instigating topic, rather than bringing in other issues to cut down the other person. When arguments get to heated, fair fighting means you both agree to take a step away to get space from one another.
Understanding. Does your partner try to see things from your perspective? Do you attempt to learn more about why your friend feels strongly about certain topics? This is understanding in action. Seeking to understand one another within the context of relationships helps others feel valued and validated.
Red Flags
Disrespect. A lack of deep admiration and regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, and traditions of others. Disrespect manifests itself through lies, put downs, hurtful criticism, and threatening behaviors.
Control. When one person in the relationship is making all the choices. It is important that each person in a relationship maintains their autonomy and ability to make decisions that will affect their lives. Controlling romantic partners may expect you to stop wearing make up or certain types of clothing, they may try to limit the amount of time you spend with family or other friends.
Dishonesty. When you friend, partner, or family member lies often it is important to reinforce your boundary of expecting honesty within all relationships.
Hostility. When one individual picks a fight with or antagonizes the other person. This may lead to one person changing his or her behavior in order to avoid upsetting the other.
Dependence. Does one person rely on you more than anyone else? Do you feel you "cannot live without" a partner or friend? Codependence can become a sort of "relationship addiction" leading to emotionally destructive or abusive one-sided relationships.
Intimidation. This is when one individual tries to control the behavior of another using fear tactics, like threatening to share private information or act violently.
Violence. Violence can be verbal, physical, and/or sexual. Verbal violence includes threats, putdowns, and ridiculing. Physical violence includes hitting, slapping, shoving, and any other form of physical abuse. Sexual violence is any sexual contact without consent.
Trafficking and Romantic Relationships
According to the Polaris Project, since 2015, the National Human Trafficking Hotline has identified more than 950 potential victims of sex trafficking that were recruited online. Human traffickers manipulate their victims into thinking that they are looking for a genuine relationship and then ultimately use force, fraud or coercion, to profit off of that person.
Relationships with romantic partners you meet online, who are older than you, who isolate you from your friends or family, and/or who force you to perform sexual acts you are uncomfortable with could lead to human trafficking. These relationships may begin with "love bombing", where someone goes above and beyond normal levels of affection to manipulate and convince you that they care about you more than anyone else does.
Call the National Human Trafficking Hotline or talk to a trusted adult (parent, teacher, school social worker, counselor, therapist, or doctor) if you suspect you may be a victim of trafficking or at risk of being trafficked.
Sexual Health
You have the right to choose if and how you express your sexuality and you are responsible for respecting and promoting the rights of others.
Communication. Think about how you feel and what you want before you become sexually active. Maintain open lines of communication with partners to ensure your rights (and theirs!) are being respected when it comes to sex. Talking with a trusted adult, like a parent, school social worker, a therapist, or your doctor, can help you work through problems and questions about your sexual health.
Consent. Sex must be mutually agreed to. Consent involves both partners verbally agreeing to a sexual interaction. UC Davis describes consent as being:
Free: Without the presence of threat or coercion.
Knowing: Aware and understanding of the sexual act. Consumption of alcohol and/or other drugs impairs one’s ability to establish consent. If someone is unconscious (e.g., sleeping or passed out), they are not aware and cannot give consent.
Enthusiastic: Expressing an authentic, active and excited, “Yes.” Silence or passivity does not imply consent.
Even if one person consents to a sexual interaction, they retain the right to withdraw consent at any point, even during sex. Consent is also ongoing, meaning partners must consent to each sexual act within a single sexual interaction.
Safety. The safest sex is no sex. However, if you do chose to be sexual active, there are many ways to keep yourself and your partner safe.
Talk with a partner about their sexual, sexually transmitted infection (STI), and drug use histories before having sex.
Use condoms to protect against the transmission of STIs.
Women should not use douche's after intercourse, as they may remove spermicidal protection when in use.
All sexually active individuals should see a healthcare provider annually for a Pap smear, pelvic floor examination, and/or STI screening.
Use contraception, like condoms, to avoid pregnancy. Compare different types of contraceptives here and learn how to access the option that is best for you.
What to do when you are having relationship problems
Take space and give space. Taking time to be apart from your partner allows you both time and space to reflect on your feelings, boundaries, and needs. Reconnect with friends, family members, and activities you love doing, independently.
Talk to someone. Share your concerns with someone outside of your relationship. Your school's wellness center is a great place to find support! If you don't have access to someone at school, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800.799.7233 or, in an emergency, call the police.
Parents, Caregivers, and Teachers
How to talk with kids about Relational Wellness:
Get comfortable with the facts. About 55% of teens have had sex before they turn 18. Understanding that it is likely your teen has had or will have a sexual interaction before leaving high school can be difficult to conceptualize. Taking the time to reflect on your own relationship and sexual history, as well as understanding this likelihood, before talking with your teen is important.
Start talking early, then keep talking regularly. Small, short discussions about relationships and sex that are revisited casually and often are more impactful than one big, awkward "talk".
Emphasize values and mutual respect. While it is important to discuss the mechanics of sex, your teen will likely encounter this information in many places. Don't forget to discuss your family's values and the importance of mutual respect within all relationships, sexual or otherwise. Center your conversation around how great sex and relationships can be when we respect and trust our partners.
Listen and don't assume. Make space for your teen to share their thoughts, by welcoming their opinions even when they are different from your own.
Model healthy relationships. Participating in healthy relationships creates a living example for your teen.
Avoid shame. When you talk about sex, avoid any language that may shame your teen for their choices.
Connect teens to professionals. Take your teen to their primary care provider when they are sexually active. If you are worried about your teen's relationships, connect them to a therapist or someone at their schools wellness center for an appointment. They may feel more comfortable talking with someone else about these topics.
Relational Wellness Resource Library
Scroll through our relational wellness resource library for videos and infographics featuring helpful information. Check out our Community Directory for more resources.