Friendships and Bullying

What is Bullying?

StopBullying.gov defines bullying: 

Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior among school aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time. Both kids who are bullied and who bully others may have serious, lasting problems.

In order to be considered bullying, the behavior must be aggressive and include:

• An Imbalance of Power: Kids who bully use their power—such as physical strength, access to embarrassing information, or popularity—to control or harm others. Power imbalances can change over time and in different situations, even if they involve the same people.

• Repetition: Bullying behaviors happen more than once or have the potential to happen more than once.

Bullying includes actions such as making threats, spreading rumors, attacking someone physically or verbally, and excluding someone from a group on purpose.

The Impact of Bullying

Bullying has wide-ranging affects for those who bully, those who are bullied, and those who witness bullying as a bystander. These affects are seen in mental health outcomes, substance use, and academic performance. 

People who are bullied are more likely to experience:

• Depression and anxiety, increased feelings of sadness and loneliness, changes in sleep and eating patterns, and loss of interest in activities they used to enjoy. These issues may persist into adulthood.

• Health complaints

• Decreased academic achievement—GPA and standardized test scores—and school participation. They are more likely to miss, skip, or drop out of school.

People who bully others are more likely to experience:

• Abuse alcohol and other drugs in adolescence and as adults

• Get into fights, vandalize property, and drop out of school

• Engage in early sexual activity

• Have criminal convictions and traffic citations as adults 

• Be abusive toward their romantic partners, spouses, or children as adults

People witness bullying (either online or in person) are more likely to experience:

• Have increased use of tobacco, alcohol, or other drugs

• Have increased mental health problems, including depression and anxiety

• Miss or skip school

Does bullying experience impact suicide risk? StopBullying.gov says: 

Media reports often link bullying with suicide. However, most youth who are bullied do not have thoughts of suicide or engage in suicidal behaviors. 

Although kids who are bullied are at risk of suicide, bullying alone is not the cause. Many issues contribute to suicide risk, including depression, problems at home, and trauma history. Additionally, specific groups have an increased risk of suicide, including American Indian and Alaskan Native, Asian American, lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender youth. This risk can be increased further when these kids are not supported by parents, peers, and schools. Bullying can make an unsupportive situation worse.

What You Can Do

To Prevent Bullying:

Stop bullying when you see it. Stand up for others. If you aren't able to tell the person who is bullying to stop, then express kindness and support for the person being bullied, by sitting with them, interrupting the conversation, or asking them how you can help. This takes courage. 

Treat others with respect. Treat all people, even those who are different than you, with dignity and respect. Each person is worthy, important, and deserving of kindness. 

Think about what you post. Think how it would feel if everyone in you school saw something you are about to post or send to someone. If it is disrespectful or hurtful, don't press send or post. If what you are considering posting is private, know that after you send it, you have no control over who sees it. 

Use Privacy settings online. Using privacy settings online can prevent your posts from being used in a way you didn't intend. 

Talk to a trusted adult. If you notice bullying, tell a trusted adult. Your teachers, parents, school social workers, and other adults can support you and the people involved in the bullying. 

If you are being bullied:

Say "stop it". Interrupt the person who is bullying you. Be as assertive as you can. 

Laugh. Saying "stop it" might be really difficult. If so, try laughing. This can confuse or surprise the person bullying you.

Walk away and stay away. Maybe interrupting the person who is bullying you with a rebuke or a laugh isn't possible. If so, walk away and stay away. Go to a safe space if you can - if you are at school, your wellness center is a wonderful safe space! 

Ask for help. Talk to your friends or a trusted adult. Experiencing bullying can lead to shame. When you talk to someone who cares about you and respects you, you'll feel a whole lot better. 

Parents, Caregivers, and Teachers

Change your language. Avoid using labels like "bully" or "victim". These labels may send an unintended message that a person's behavior cannot change. These labels also do not make room for the nuance of bullying, sometimes a teen may be the one bullying and the one being bullied in a particular group. StopBully.gov suggests:

• Instead of calling a child a "bully," refer to them as "the child who bullied"

• Instead of calling a child a "victim," refer to them as "the child who was bullied"

• Instead of calling a child a "bully/victim," refer to them as "the child who was both bullied and bullied others."

Educate. Send time talking about bullying with your children or students. Make sure they know what bullying looks like and how they can prevent it or find help. Talk about it openly and often rather than having one big complicated talk. 

Model inclusivity, respect, and kindness. You have a strong influence in your teen's life, even if it doesn't always feel like it. When you are regularly kind and respectful to all people it makes an impact. Think about how you talk about others, treat others, and treat your teen. 

Stay up-to-date on your teen's online world. Knowing what apps and media sites your teen uses can guide you as you talk to them about cyberbullying. Learn more about cyberbullying here. 

Promote your teen's self confidence. Encouraging your teen to make friends, explore their interests, and get involved in their community can build their confidence. This a protective factor against involvement with bullying. 

Look for signs of bullying. UNICEF provides this list to look out for if you are worried your child is either being bullied or participating in bullying behaviors: 

• Physical marks such as unexplained bruises, scratches, broken bones and healing wounds 

• Fear of going to school or joining school events

• Being anxious, nervous or very vigilant

• Having few friends in school or outside of school

• Losing friends suddenly or avoiding social situations

• Clothing, electronics or other personal belongings being lost or destroyed

• Often asking for money

• Low academic performance

• Absenteeism, or calling from school asking to go home

• Trying to stay near adults

• Not sleeping well and may be having nightmares

• Complaining of headaches, stomach aches or other physical ailments

• Regularly distressed after spending time online or on their phone (without a reasonable explanation)

• Becomes unusually secretive, especially when it comes to online activities

• Being aggressive or having angry outbursts