Fake News

Tesla’s New Car Models to be Rocket Propelled

PALO ALTO, California— On Wednesday, October 25, Tesla Headquarters in Palo Alto California, Elon Musk announced that Tesla was launching a new line of rocket powered cars with SpaceX propulsion technology during a press conference.

Tesla plans to use these rocket cars as a chance to give people the opportunity experience the technology that will hopefully be taking humans to Mars in the years to come, just on a smaller scale. “These cars are safe and road legal, the rockets have no open flames and run on a special fuel that is more fuel efficient is more efficientand eco friendly than gasoline,” elucidated Elon Musk, owner of Tesla and SpaceX.

Elon went on to say that these engines are “lightyears” ahead of what other car companies are using to propel their automobiles. “These rocket cars have exceptional speed and handling, during drive testing at the Mazda Raceway Laguna Seca the Tesla Rocket X driven by Car T. Ester bolted through one lap in 44 seconds,” commented Si Entist, a scientist working on the project. “This annihilated the previous record of 1 minute 5 seconds, achieved by Marc Gené driving a Ferrari F1 car in 2012.”

Musk ended the press conference with this humorous remark, “The new cars will have four SpaceX miniature propulsors integrated into the car’s framing causing them to have a slightly more bulky design, but they rocket.”

Arctic Ocean- A team of Canadian Marine biologists discovered mermaids in the depths of the coldest, most dangerous waters in the world. After weeks underwater for a search of the rumoured American eel in the submarine called “Canadian Acquisition” and its inmates were about to give up when Nancy Knowlton, the captain of the Exhibition, heard a song like tune coming from outside of the submarine. “It sounded like heaven said my crew. My theory now to this is that the song attracts fish and humans. My crew tried to get out of the sub to get to the mermaids by shattering the windows, it was as if they had no control over their body. It didn’t affect me because I’m tone deaf. It was frightening and if the submarine wasn’t so secure, we would have probably been dead.”

The scarring experience has left some crew members such as Ali Abdelghany and James Carson in therapy. “I had no control on what happened to my body. Like I told my captain, it sounded like heaven was calling. The mermaids bodies were so senstail, they were more beautiful than the stars in the sky. At last these majestic creatures should never be looked for, they might be beautiful but their harmonies are deadly,” quoted Abdelghany to the Toronto Star.

Her Mother, Gemi Abdelghany hada interview with The Toronto Star saying “My daughter has seen many things but what she discovered that day has motivated her to do much more than just unveiled new possessions belonging to the ocean. She has more motion than before and for that I'm forever grateful.” The crew remembers the horrors of the mermaids and are now setting up fundraiser and have their own company in hopes of preserving the mermaids from people who want to sell them on the black market. Right now their company, beauty and dangered, has made close to $500,000. All the money has gone to supplies to preserve the groundbreaking find.

World Series Finals Cancelled!

By Jeff Parker, Staff Writer

Los Angeles, California--Game seven of the world series finals is now cancelled. Rob Manfred, commissioner of the MLB, informed the public that "“Due to several recent public attacks, game seven of the World Series will be held off until further notice. I cannot risk any lives of the baseball community.” He told 300,000 live viewers on SNL late last night.

The highly anticipated game 7 of the series between LA Dodgers and HST Astros was set to take place November 1st at the Dodger Stadium, with an expected 55,500 attendees, (nearly full capacity). Head of the Booth operator committee Gru Gallows noted that the amount of fans were getting out of hand, saying “Even the first few games were packed, but now it’s just getting ridiculous!”.

Reasoning behind the game's cancellation is no secret, but some people just don't get it. Avid Dodgers fan Chris Walker bought several tickets for his son's birthday, and he is now livid with the commissioner for the delay, here's his tweet about the situation, “There's no reason to worry about terror attacks, it’s all a bunch of hocus.” followed by, “thanks to that prick Rob Manfred my son’s birthday is ruined!”. This outrage is countered by the accepting fans who see the danger in having such a highly condensed area. Because of low security funds and high population, events like this are especially prone to attacks from groups like Isis and Boko Haram.

All pre-ordered tickets are now available for return, or exchange for the next game , presumed to be played when the excitement dies down.