We Speak For the Raisins
By Carlee Avery & Evan Hazard
By Carlee Avery & Evan Hazard
We have heard that raisin hatred is spreading throughout the universe, and as the raisin guardians we must advocate for those who cannot speak for themselves (i.e. the raisins)
Now, we could list our opinions on raisins for days, but let’s talk about the science behind it, and why it is superior to other snacks. Raisins are 4% zinc, which may not seem like a lot, but is perfect for your body’s natural zinc intake. While humans need zinc to strengthen their immune system and metabolism, too much zinc can cause problems to the body. Therefore the raisin offers just enough zinc to help you live your best life without letting you overdose on zinc. Also, raisins are filled with iron, which is perfect for the iron-deficient people of the world!
Grapes fail to live up to the standards set by their more creative cousins. They experience one of the most common pitfalls of fresh fruits: sourness.
This goes out to all of the hippies out there. You will never have to fear the implications of a raisin indulgence. They are ethically sourced in every way possible. But don’t take my word for it. According to healabel, “Raisin production is relatively sustainable since there is no significant damage to air, water, land, soil, forests, etc. as long as pesticides have not been used.” Clearly, Raisin sustainability is not an issue. I know because I used one source that ended in .com.
Raisins can be used to treat food poisoning, talk about useful!
Back during times in ancient Greece, raisins were used as currency, rewards for athletic competitions and more.
Talented Singer Michael Jackson endorsed California Raisins way back in 1989! Therefore, they must be the best, but we’d prefer not to get involved in brand wars. Please wait momentarily I’m getting a call.
“California Raisins was a band? Are you sure? Ok thanks, bye.”
Frankly, I don’t believe it. I may have been born in 2005, but I consider myself an 80s expert. Famous colleague of Micheal Jackson, Vincent Price, also endorsed raisins. Clearly, raisins are a favorite of the rich and famous.
Trailmix? Cookies? Bagels? Ice cream? Celery?
Say no more. With raisins at your disposal, anything is possible. You can put raisins on a cheeseburger if you’d like. No one will judge you. NO ONE. And if one day your family stages an intervention and tapes shut the box of raisins, and gives you a rubber band to snap on your wrist when you get the urge to eat them, and drives you down to an RAA meeting, then that’s okay. That’s really okay, and you shouldn’t worry about it.
“Imagine all of the nutrition from one grape concentrated into one tiny package,”
If you’re a doomsday prepper, not to worry! Raisins are the perfect food for your stockpile! They can be stored easily due to their compact form, and have a shelf life of about a year when unopened.
Mic Drop
Carlee Avery and Evan Hazard
Sources:
https://www.webmd.com/diet/raisins-good-for-you
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_California_Raisins