The Best Worst Movies

May 20, 2019

There are some movies that are so awful they transcend the label “bad” and become works of art--they are the Best Worst Movies. And when I say “the Worst Movies” I don’t mean “Aquaman” kind of bad--I mean disowned-by-their-actors, banned-by-their-producers bad. And when I say “the Best Movies” I mean that they are some of the funniest, most creative (or most plagiarized, depending on how you look at it) films ever to disgrace the cinema.

And here they are, in all their glory (in no particular order). In this list, there’s a film for everyone: Want a sci-fi epic? Plan 9 From Outer Space. Want a Christmas flick? The Star Wars Holiday Special. How about both? Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. (There seem to be a lot of sci-fi movies in this list.)

1. Plan 9 From Outer Space

Popularly considered the worst movie of all time, Plan 9 From Outer Space follows the heinous “Plan 9” of a group of moralizing, purple-tin-foil-clad aliens who decided to destroy humanity by turning the people of a town in California into vampire-zombies. Fortunately for humanity, a heroic pilot decides to stop “Plan 9” by engaging their leader in an OK-Corral gun duel. (Presumably, plans 1-8 have all failed.) For all the sarcasm and ire this film has generated since its debut in 1959, it is as entertaining as it is awful: This film quite possibly spans all genres, from horror to Western--even vampire-romance, in a way--and does feature vampires, zombies, and aliens.

Equally entertaining is its history: Directed by Ed Wood, the Steven Spielberg of infamy, Plan 9 is a study in good intentions, resourcefulness, and perseverance. Wood, arguably Bela Lugosi’s biggest fan, was determined to have the Dracula star play an important role in his next film. One problem: Bela Lugosi died of a heart attack 3 years before Plan 9 was released. Most directors would have qualed under the challenge of filming a dead actor, but not Wood: Wood used earlier footage of Lugosi, then had his wife’s chiropractor play the rest of the part, covering half his face with a cape and saying nothing (Lugosi’s character was one of the 3 vampire-zombies). Despite Wood’s gallant efforts, he was still unable to explain why the vampire-zombie had an inconsistent height, or, for that matter, face. Similarly challenging was Wood’s lack of funds; still, using his infinite resourcefulness, he shot scenes of flying saucers using DIY toy kits and had a soundtrack composed of various pieces of stock music.

2. The Star Wars Holiday Special

Yes, there was a Star Wars Holiday Special--you probably didn’t hear of it because it has never been rebroadcast or released on home video, partially because of its intensely negative reception, partly because, as George Lucas said at a fan convention, “If I had the time and a sledgehammer, I would track down every copy of that show and smash it”. Moreover, Harrison Ford, who played Han Solo, later denied its existence in an interview. Luckily for the show’s underground cult following, the Holiday Special has survived through bootleg tapes and the Internet (like most of the films here, you should be able to find it on YouTube).

The Holiday Special details hirsute Wookie hero Chewbacca’s attempts to return to his family--wife Malla, son Lumpy, and father Itchy--for “Life Day”, which is like Christmas but politically correct. Unfortunately, as he is part of the Rebel Alliance, Chewbacca is being pursued by the Empire. Meanwhile, Chewbacca’s hairy family watches TV shows reminiscent of marijuana-induced hallucinations and talks (growls?) in what must be Wookie. (Unfortunately, in their infinite wisdom, the producers decided that subtitles were unnecessary.) Eventually, imperial troops arrive at the furry family’s house and generally start harassing them under the pretext of searching for Chewbacca. But Lumpy manages to convince all the troops to “return to base” except one; then, conveniently, Han and Chewbacca turn up. Han disarms the troop, who then promptly trips on his own gun and falls off the balcony, never to be seen again. Then everyone goes to a Life Day festival and sings a weird song. Throughout most of the movie’s duration, the family--and viewers--are treated to a variety of TV programs and various other “entertainments” that could rival Barney’s “I Love You” song as psychological torture.

Despite the Holiday Special’s shortcomings (and its tendency to give its watchers headaches) it is extremely (unintentionally) funny. Ignore the holographic musical numbers and fluorescent circus performers, and you will probably be roaring with laughter at the film’s ineptness.

3. Mac and Me

Once upon a time, McDonald’s saw ET eat Reese’s Pieces, and thought “Hey, what if we could get our own cute alien to shamelessly promote our food?” And then they made Mac and Me, an ET rip-off featuring Ronald McDonald (listed ‘as himself’ in the credits), McDonald’s rap parties, and lots of Coca Cola.

After a family of hideous, naked aliens are accidentally vacuumed (!) into a NASA probe on their home planet, they are taken to a US government base in California and held prisoner. The aliens escape, and the youngest stows away on a passing van, containing the Cruise family. Following the loss of the father of the family (death? divorce?), mom Janet, older brother Michael, and wheelchair-bound Eric Cruise are moving from Illinois to California.

The family--and the alien--arrive at their new neighborhood. The rest of the movie is basically Eric and his hippy neighbor, Debbie, running around after the alien, MAC (‘Mysterious Alien Creature’), who wreaks havoc in the house. Naturally, Eric’s mother doesn’t believe her son, and when she isn’t blaming him and his brother, she tries to get him treated for schizophrenia.

Eventually, after Eric attempts swimming after rolling off a convenient nearby cliff, MAC and Ronald McDonald have a rap battle, and some FBI agents show up, everyone learns of the aliens’ existence. The alien family is reunited, and after a police shoot-out, an explosion at a gas station, and Eric getting resurrected with the aliens’ coke-fueled powers, they all live happily ever after.

4. Troll 2

Once upon a time, an Italian filmmaker’s wife was fed up with the sanctimonious attitudes of her vegetarian friends. In revenge, she wrote Troll 2, a horror film about vegetarian goblins who magically convert their victims into cellulose and eat them. (There are no trolls in Troll 2--they called it that so people would actually watch it, tricked into thinking that it was the sequel to yet another B- horror movie.)

So why doesn’t anybody just kill them? The goblins, for some reason, only reside in the quaint Californian town of Nilbog (‘Nilbog--it’s “goblin” spelled backwards!’), and the townspeople are all either goblins themselves or belong to a goblin-worshiping cult. Then, fatefully, one family decides to vacation there in a home-exchange program, followed secretly by the daughter’s boyfriend and his idiot sidekicks. As family and friends are preyed upon by vegetarian monsters, the family’s son, Joshua, tries to warn them, but to no avail.

Joshua, a young boy, is routinely visited by the ghost of his dead grandfather, Seth. Seth frequently warns Joshua to fear “the goblins”, and Joshua heeds him, but Josh’s parents maintain that “the goblins” are not real and that Josh is just imagining things (schizophrenia medicine, anyone?).

This turns out to be their undoing. Despite the heroes’ gallant efforts to ward off the goblins, no amount of double-decker Bologna sandwiches (goblins’ fatal weakness) can save them.

Troll 2 had few experienced actors--most of the characters were played by residents from the local towns, who expected to get roles as extras. Instead, they got lead roles: Michael, Joshua’s father, was a dentist, and another character, a Nilbog store owner, was played by a patient from a mental hospital who had smoked an enormous amount of marijuana prior to filming. He had no idea what was going on, and his creepy performance was not acting.

The lack of experienced actors was compounded by the fact that the crew spoke little English, and the Italians insisted the actors speak the subsequently confused script verbatim. Furthermore, the film’s producer cared more about money than quality, and so much of Troll 2’s effects cost next to nothing.

5. Turkish Star Wars

Yes, the Turks made Star Wars. More accurately, they ripped off footage from Star Wars (and some other sci-fi films), music from Indiana Jones, and called it “The Man Who Saved the World”.

And saved the world he did. Friends Murat (the protagonist) and Ali crash land on a desert planet after blowing up what appears to be the Death Star. Ali decides to use his wolf-whistle to attract beautiful women, but because he “did the wrong whistle”, hostile skeletons come instead. Once they’re done battling them, a 1,000-year-old wizard from Earth shows up. Apparently, the wizard decided to destroy Earth, but he was blocked by “a shield of concentrated human brain molecules”.

The wizard (the main antagonist) spends the rest of the film presumably trying to destroy the world, but it isn’t clear exactly why or how. He might need an actual human brain. Nevertheless, he must be stopped.

Most of the film is spent following Murat and Ali as they mercilessly karate-chop bad guys (mummies, robots, red teddy bears, etc.) and sometimes rocks (as in its infamous training montage). But Turkish Star Wars isn’t just about action--it also has a themes about love, religion, revenge, and friendship.

It’s hard to describe how ridiculously insane this movie is--it’s basically a 2-hour-long series of poorly integrated shots with repeating loops of the Raiders of the Lost Ark theme song, coupled with the constant onslaught of cheesy monster costumes and karate fight-scenes and lack of a coherent plot. Although it’s as entertaining as it is crazy (which is saying a lot), it does have a tendency to give its viewers headaches, especially after what feels like the millionth red teddy bear.

Yet the filmmakers did the best they could with a tiny $300,000 budget and having their starfighters (those spaceship things from Star Wars) destroyed. It then became necessary to rip off scenes from Star Wars to Soviet newsreels and music from Planet of the Apes to Flash Gordon.

And the Turkish youth loved it.

6. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Actually, the Martians conquer him. The Martians decide that the Martian children need to have fun, and so they try to kidnap Santa and bring him to Mars. Not everyone agrees that this a good idea, so some of the Martians try to kill Santa (!) because he is turning the Martian children away from the glory of Mars. But they don’t, and, long story short, they find a suitable Martian replacement so that Santa can return to the North Pole.

Unlike most of the other movies in this list, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians doesn’t have an interesting production history. Other than the fact that the producer thought a children’s Christmas film where Jolly St. Nick gets abducted and nearly murdered by aliens was a good idea, there isn’t anything to compare to, say, Plan 9’s perseverance, Troll 2’s thriftiness, or Turkish Star War’s shiftiness. No resurrected actors, escaped mental patients, or illicit editing.