McDonald's - Russian Collusion

11/26/2018

The Cadet Gazette investigated incidences of Russian collusion and came to some disturbing conclusions: Among institutions hacked, McDonald’s was the foremost in insidious Russian influences.

Food Sources:

According to McDonald’s deeply Marxist website, McDonald’s gets its fish from Alaska--startlingly close to Russia. Could McDonald’s secretly be colluding with the Russians there to undermine our democracy?

“Yes,” says an anonymous source. According to said anonymous source, Russia and McDonald’s have actively been colluding over the pretense of fishing for Alaskan pollock.

(Ever wonder why McDonald’s fish tastes inferior? That’s because it’s not pollock!)

Connections with Donald Trump:

Furthermore, McDonald’s Russian influence rears its ugly head in its name: McDonald’s--as in Donald Trump, the infamous Russia colluder. Even the “Mc” of McDonald’s is another reference to Donald Trump, specifically to his Scottish heritage. Not only that, but McDonald’s colors--red and yellow--combine to form orange, the color of Trump.

According to CNN, McDonald Trump loves McDonald’s--especially a whopping order of two Big Macs, a chocolate milkshake--and, yes, two of the infamous Filet-o-Fish sandwiches made from the fishy taste of stolen democracy.

Moreover, according to CNN, Donald Trump dined at McDonald’s repeatedly throughout his campaign. Coincidence?

An anonymous source denies anything but a strong correlation between Trump’s visits and Russian collusion. Apparently, Trump has been using McDonald’s as a medium between him and Russian leader, Vladimir Putin.

McDonald’s Russian Presence:

So McDonald’s has colluded in America and the Bering Sea--but what about the enemy homeland itself? At 649 locations, Russia is one of the countries with the most McDonald’s.

It is undoubtable that Russian collusion and McDonald’s store openings are beyond correlated--even a certain Russian lawmaker (who must remain anonymous for reasons of national security) considers McDonald’s a foreign agent.

In fact, the McDonald’s-Russia collusion is so agonizingly transparent that Vladimir Putin feels compelled to launch an $18 million rival to McDonald’s as a cover.

Commie Colors:

McDonald’s colors--red and yellow--mirror those of the Marxist flag.

From Russia With Love:

McDonald’s has often tried to worm their way into the hearts of American children, leading to the creation of in-restaurant “Play Places”, McDonald’s toys, and McDonald’s characters--i.e., cartoon characters that lived and interacted in the imaginary “McDonaldLand”. McDonald’s is the largest toy distributor in the world, and its colorful cast of characters can be found lining the walls of “Play Places” and occasionally in Happy Meals--but what lessons are their toys and characters sowing in the fertile minds of our children? An analysis of McDonald’s characters uncovers the disturbing reality.

While most of McDonald’s characters and toys are seemingly innocent, there are four characters that are most conspicuously Russian, in increasing order: “Grimace”, “The Hamburglar”, “Ronald McDonald”, and “The Professor”. (‘Character’ and ‘toy’ will be used interchangeably in this context, because the McDonald’s characters were often made as toys.)

Firstly, the toy “Grimace”--a blob with an unhealthy passion for milkshakes--is purple. Purple is a “cold” color--cold like Russia.

Secondly, “The Hamburglar” is a compulsive thief--a stereotype of communists.

Thirdly, “Ronald McDonald”--a friendly clown--is decked out in the communist colors, red and yellow. Ronald’s commie colors are thrown into a disturbing light when his authority as McDonald’s mascot is realized, for then it is plain what McDonald’s true values are.

Finally and most despicably, there is the personage of “The Professor”, a character so conspicuous that he was abandoned by McDonald’s years ago. “The Professor” is a wild-attired scientist who creates inventions for the welfare of all of “McDonaldLand”. Sound innocent enough? When scrutinized by close analysis, the scientist’s true nature is revealed like the Siberian grass after a long winter’s snow melts away. The professor--sporting a beard reminiscent of Karl Marx--is a soviet scientist. He made inventions for the welfare of all--much like how communism purportedly supports the welfare of all.

How McDonald’s is Undermining our Democracy

McDonald’s is undermining our democracy by selling more than burgers (secrets), but McDonald’s also has a more covert way of defeating America: making America fat. By making America fat, McDonald’s is weakening us, priming us for Russian dominance.

Conclusions:

Along with Forbes, the Washington Times, and Netflix, McDonald’s is the most prolific Russia colluder--McDonald’s collusion spans across two continents and one sea. McDonald’s is rooted in Russian culture--McDonald’s proud red and yellows and toys display so. McDonald’s is connected with Donald Trump--the infamous Russia colluder.

In conclusion, not only is McDonald’s sweeping the carpet of our democracy from under our feet, McDonald’s mocks our American values by being the quintessential Russian fast-food chain.

What Then Must Be Done?

If we are to survive as a country, we the people must unite. We must rise up, and boycott McDonald’s. That’s it.

Works Cited

“31 Important Mcdonalds Obesity Statistics.” BrandonGaille.com, 23 May 2017, brandongaille.com/29-important-mcdonalds-obesity-statistics/

“Casting a Wide Net to Bring the Quality of the Sea to McDonald'sKenny Longaker.” Our History: Ray Kroc & The McDonald's Brothers | McDonald's, www.mcdonalds.com/us/en-us/about-our-food/meet-our-suppliers/fish-kenny-longaker.html

Christensen, Jen. “Trump's Bun-Free but Unhealthy McDonald's Fix.” CNN, Cable News Network, 9 Mar. 2018, www.cnn.com/2017/12/08/health/trump-diet-unhealthy/index.html.

Robertson, Nic, and Antonia Mortensen. “Donald Trump's Scottish Roots.” CNN, Cable News Network, 3 Nov. 2016, www.cnn.com/2016/11/02/politics/donald-trump-ancestry-scotland/index.html.

Ross, Sean. “10 Countries With the Most McDonald's Locations.” Investopedia, Investopedia, 15 Nov. 2018, www.investopedia.com/articles/markets-economy/091716/10-countries-most-mcdonalds-locations-mcd.asp.

“The Weird History of McDonaldland Toys.” Mental Floss, Mental Floss, 5 Oct. 2016, mentalfloss.com/article/69989/brief-history-mcdonaldland-and-toys-and-lawsuit-it-spawned.