A Satirical Article by Thomas Wagner
After news of John Bolton’s apparent resignation (or firing based on which story you believe), President Donald J. Trump is desperately in need of a fresh face to act as his new Security Advisor. Many have speculated that the president might select recently retired Marine Corps commandant General Robert Neller, or potentially another high ranking military officer. However, President Trump seems to be looking at a more dynamic figure to serve in this role, and he seems to have this person in his sights. Former Senator Sheev Palpatine.
Palpatine, a former Senator on the committee for armament research, is being highly considered for the role of security advisor mainly as a result of his good will from the Bush administration. He has had a good history with foreign governments, and has been praised by many on the “neocon right” for having a no nonsense policy when it comes to international religious extremist groups such as ISIS, Al-Qaeda, The Jedi Order, and the Taliban. His strong position on regime changes and his support for highly interventionist policies have also provoked criticism from left-wing media outlets for creating friction with potentially volatile middle eastern governments such as Syria or Iran; actions which have also helped him find friends in GOP congressmen such as Lindsey Graham, but have made him alienated from more isolationist or anti-war politicians such as Rand Paul, and Democratic Presidential Candidate Tulsi Gabbard.
Other concerns have also been raised about Palpatine attempting to centralize increasing amounts of power to his committee so that he may unilaterally make decisions about defense and be able to go around the processes meant to maintain a balance of power in the legislative branch. Again, critics have lambasted Trump and others in congress for not doing anything to curb this supposed overreach of power. However, Palpatine has made several appearances with the press and has been gracious with the many news outlets who have confronted him with these concerns. During an interview with CNN, Palpatine explained his positions and was quoted saying, “I love democracy”, in order to reassure the American people that he is very much in their corner.
Furthermore, Palpatine has been heavily lobbied by several corporations with military contracts and he has been further criticized for being in the pocket of transnational corporations who have a vested interest in enduring American involvement in the middle east. These lobbies are undoubtedly the reason for why Palpatine has so heavily supported the bill to expand genetic modification and implement it into the military, and he has even gone so far as to shill for finding military members whose DNA could be used for cloning troops, as he is by far the Legislative Branch’s biggest proponent for the clone army program. This move has been praised, especially by recruiting officers, as meeting enlistment quotas has become increasingly difficult in the past decade. It is also well known that Palpatine has himself been lobbied by the Israeli and Saudi Arabian governments respectively. After a freedom of information request in 2017, it was also found that he holds citizenship for both foreign nations, which has resulted in many alternative political pundits calling his loyalty to the United States into question.
Some conspiracy theorists are beginning to also comment on the supposed changes in his facial features, and have also commented on his new wardrobe often consisting of a simple black cloak with a hood over his head. Alex Jones, who is no stranger to controversy, has made claims that the former senator, although appearing to look middle-aged in the past few years, has now aged exponentially in recent months, or at least appears this way with multiple wrinkles and scars now being present on his face. Given the history of this source, we should take it with a grain of salt, however it is evident that Palpatine has begun to behave more erratically in the past few weeks. This was most famously seen with his appearance on the senate floor after he was voted out of Congress last year, and although his face was not clearly visible under the shadow of his hood, his voice had now become more gravely and raspy in contrast to how he previously sounded. Most ominously, his brief speech ended with him stating, “I am the Senate”, and then leaving the room. Keep in mind that this was a year ago, and that since he has not been seen since then, commentators like Jones have questioned why this is and what he has been doing in the past 10 months. Jones’ political bias must be addressed however, as he did make vacuous claims about Hillary Clinton potentially being ill leading up to the 2016 election. Ultimately, the tinfoil hat community has little political influence, and their claims about conspiracies are often far fetched to say the least.
Given the likelihood that Palpatine is picked up for Security Advisor, it can be expected that this will be a huge victory for the neocons in the Trump presidency. Although one of Trump’s main platforms in the 2016 campaign was to distance himself from middle eastern wars, it is evident that he is failing to do this, as he is simply switching out one interventionist with another. One thing can be certain however, if Palpatine is brought on as the Security Advisor, there is certain to be continued corporate and foreign lobbying, a greater likelihood of the establishment of a clone program, and continued US involvement in foreign wars.