I’ve always heard people talk about the relief they felt when they got their diagnosis. They say things like “it finally all made sense.” or “I’m so glad that I finally have a word for it.” This was not the case for me.
When I got my diagnosis, the sheet of paper that declared me different from everyone else, I wasn’t relieved and I wasn’t glad either. I still remember sitting in the passenger’s seat of my mum’s car still in the carpark as I balled my eyes out.
All my life I’ve constantly seen the word autism being used as a substitute for stupid or incapable.
I’ve constantly had to watch people calling others ‘special’ for humour. When I say people I mean my classmates, celebrities, random strangers I don’t even know. Everyone.
I knew that autistic people weren’t stupid. I knew that they’re intelligent and just as capable if not more but the world doesn’t. The world doesn’t understand.
It felt like the label was being shoved down my throat. The label I did not want.
There’s just not enough awareness about autism as a spectrum. The only autism most people know is the ‘meltdowns’ and ‘freak outs’. That’s simply not my day to day. I function just like everyone else. I just find it a bit harder to make eye contact and I run on the more shy side. I don’t like certain textures and I’m not the biggest fan of loud noises.
I’d rather be introduced as myself, the person who is a little more shy and prefers quiet spaces not the special person with autism who needs to be treated differently. When people I don’t know have me introduced to them as the autistic in the room I feel like a problem and not a person.