Week One: June 15 - 18

Connections and Communication (Kamela)

Finding Connection

So much has changed so quickly these past few months. It can all begin to take a toll on our wellbeing, the physical distancing in particular.

We are, after all, social creatures. I haven’t seen any friends or family (other than my partner) in almost two months, and that’s likely to continue. Yet there’s a difference between physical distance and emotional distance. It’s emotional distance that can be truly painful, and that can take real courage to traverse.

Last summer, I was teaching a mindfulness retreat when a young elementary school teacher (I’ll call her Emily) shared this story.

Emily was close with her students, many of whom hugged her affectionately and enjoyed playing together physically each day. Then, Emily lost her best friend suddenly in a car crash.

She was devasted, shaken to the core. Someone she loved so dearly had been torn away and she was overcome with grief.

In the weeks that followed, she couldn’t bear to let her students touch her. The wound was too raw. It was as if any affection only reminded her of the gaping absence in her heart.

Emily explained as simply as she could to her students that she was very sad, and that she needed some time until she could hug and touch again. One day, one girl came up to her and said, “It’s okay, sometimes we just need tender touch.”

She looked into Emily’s eyes, smiled, and held up one index finger. Emily lifted her hand and extended her finger, making contact.

When we’ve been hurt, it can feel like our heart is closed up in a tight ball. Sometimes it feels too raw to receive any love at all.

How do we find connection in times of distance, loneliness and separation? How do we connect emotionally when we are separated physically?

It’s often a slow process. It begins by starting where we are, and letting in even the smallest bit of care. If we can recognize the glimmer of warmth in another’s words or actions, if we can remember—or even imagine—what it feels like to be held and cared for, we can begin to reconnect and heal the pain of separation.

The great irony of this pandemic is that in many ways “being here” for each other means keeping our distance physically. But it doesn’t mean keeping our distance emotionally. We can be miles apart geographically, but still feel deeply connected in our hearts.

We can share kind words, express our gratitude and appreciation for one another. And we can practice lovingkindness meditation, bringing loved ones to mind and feeling their warm connection any time, any place.

So wherever you are, if you’re feeling isolated, lonely, or anxious, I invite you to see if you can let in some tender touch. Think of someone you care about, someone who’s been kind to you. See their face. Recall how it felt to be with them, and let their memory touch you—like one finger reaching out across the distance to make contact—even just for a moment.

We’re never that far from each other when we remember our connection.

In kindness,

Oren Jay Sofer