What do Healthy Relationships look like?

• Respect and appreciation are foundations of communication

• Each partner is considered an ‘equal partner’

• Trust is implicit and explicit

• Growth is encouraged

• Open communication and compromise are expected

• Apologies happen when appropriate

• Each partner is free to have other important relationships and other lives outside of the relationship

• Boundaries are respected

• There is mutual support

What are some signs of an Unhealthy Relationship?

• Overwhelm - When someone expresses really extreme feelings and behaviors that feel too heavy or too fast.

• Possessive - When someone acts jealous and tries to control who you spend time with and what you do, or constantly calls/texts or makes you feel like you have to respond at all times, or monitors you, your cell phone, or social media, or accuses you of cheating

• Puts Down - When someone constantly texts or says things to make you feel bad about yourself, especially in front of others and negatively impacts your self-confidence.

• Isolates - When someone intentionally keeps you away from friends, family, or other people, and makes you afraid to tell others. 

• Manipulates - When someone tries to control your decisions, actions, or emotions or makes you feel like it’s your job to keep them happy. When someone engages in unwanted touching or secual activity or prevents you from using birth control or refusing to use birth control themselves or threatens to hurt themselves or suicide if you break up.

• Sabotage - When someone purposely ruins your reputation, achievements, or success, or threatens to “out” you or share information with others to harm you.

• Guilt Trips - When someone accuses you for everything or repeatedly makes excuses for their unhealthy or abusive behavior.

• Explosive - When someone has a really strong, unpredictable reaction that makes you feel scared or intimidated, or destroys your things, or threatens to hurt you or actually physically hurts you.

If you are experiencing unhealthy signs in your relationship, it’s important not to ignore them and to understand they can escalate to abuse. If your dating partner does any of these things, it does not necessarily mean that they are an abuser, but it should be a red flag for your relationship.

Remember, anyone can be involved with an abuser; it can happen in straight or gay relationships, and it can happen to people of any gender. If your partner is abusive, reach out for help. There are several resources listed at the end of this page.

When to Tell Someone About the Abusive Relationship?

If you are afraid or might be in a dangerous situation, trust your gut and get help. 

While it can be hard to do, telling someone about what is happening is courageous and an act of self-love. Talking about your relationship might feel embarrassing; preparing what you’re going to say first can help. Think of the main things you want to tell someone and then practice saying those things in your head or even aloud when you’re alone. Practicing helps reduce fear and builds confidence.

When you’re ready, tell someone you trust and keep talking until you get help - a parent, family members, teacher, counselor, or school nurse. If the person you confide in questions your experience or does not believe you, find another adult and tell them. 

What do I do?

If you are in an unhealthy relationship, figuring out the next steps can be hard. You may still have feelings for this person and it can be confusing. 

Staying Together:

If you decide to stay together, be honest with yourself - you can only change your own behavior, not your partner’s. While an unhealthy relationship can become healthy with enough time and dedication, it is unrealistic to expect to “fix” and abusive relationship on your own. Consider when it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship, and who you can call on if you need support. 

Breaking Up:

• Steer clear of blame, while being honest and clear about what you need.

• Avoid bringing up relationship issues in front of the world (like on social media), which may end up complicating things.

• Discuss in a safe setting where you have some privacy (unless you are fearful about their response)

• Stay open and ask yourself what you can learn from the experience

• Know that if your partner can’t seem to be respectful, it’s okay to end the conversation - and the relationship - without further discussion.

• It’s okay to cry - just don't let the blue keep you away from your normal activities

• Allow time and space to heal - avoid making excuses to contact them

Listen to your instincts. If you feel afraid, you should have support from a trusted adult when you break up. Your abusive partner may not accept the breakup or respect your boundaries, or they may try to control you through guilt, insults, or threats. Consider the following:

• If you don’t feel safe, don't break up in person. It may seem mean to break up over the phone or by text, but it may be the safest way.

• If you break up in person, do it in a public place. Have friends or family wait nearby. Take a cell phone with you and have an exit plan in case you need to leave.

• Don’t try to explain your reasons for ending the relationship more than once. There is nothing you can say that will make your partner happy with your decision

• Let your friends and family know you are ending your relationship, especially if you think your partner will try to come to your house or other places you frequent to confront you when alone. 

Staying Safe:

If you decide to break up, seek support from a trusted adult. Be as safe as possible, whether you decide to end the relationship or not. 

• If you and your partner go to the same school, you may be able to adjust your class schedule, or find other ways to feel safer. Talk to a school counselor or teacher you trust

• Avoid isolated areas at school and local hangouts. Don’t walk alone. 

• Keep your friends or family close when attending parties or events

• Save any threatening or harassing messages. Set your profile to private on social media

• Change the passwords on your social media and other online accounts.

Supporting Friends Who Have Experiences Abusive Relationships or Sexual Assault:

When someone is abused or sexually assaulted, they usually tell a friend first, if they tell anyone. Sometimes they don't say anything, but you may notice something is wrong and be worried about them.

While it can be hard to know what to do, you have a lot of influence in encouraging your friend to get the help they need. Here are some tips:

Start the Conversation:

Begin a conversation from a place of concern, avoid judgment or lecturing. Let your friend know that you’ve noticed and don't be afraid to tell them you’re worried. Be sure your friend knows that no one deserves to be hurt and that you aren’t blaming them for anything. 

Listen and Be Supportive:

Ask them to share anything they feel comfortable sharing, then really listen. It's’ not your job to gather all the facts, just to support and listen. Believe their story. Let your friend talk about the abuse or sexual assault in the way that they need to. Make them feel safe with you as the person they choose to talk to and give them time to share their experience.

Know your friend may not recognize their experience as unhealthy or abusive or as a sexual assault. They might be afraid or embarrassed to talk about it, or may even be confused about what happened to them. Also understand that your friend may not realize that coerced sex (when someone manipulates, tricks, or guilts a person into sex) is sexual assault. If your friend didn’t want it to happen, then it shouldn’t have. If your friend was sexually assaulted, encourage them to seek immediate medical treatment. 

Let your friend make their own decisions and offer to support them no matter what. 

Things To Say:

Encourage your friend to get help from a trusted adult, and help them connect to the resources they need. Don’t judge your friend. Here are some examples of things to say:

• “I’m here for you”

• “No one deserves to be hurt”

• “I’m sorry this happened to you”

• “It’s not your fault”

• “I am worried about you”

• “How can I help”

• “What do you need”

• "I believe you"

• "Help is available"

Stay Connected:

Your friend needs you to listen and be supportive. Respond with understanding and empathy, not anger. Your friend may not want help from anyone. Understand what you see or hear may make you frustrated and upset. Don’t close the door of communication by threatening to do something they don't want. Also expect that your friend may share and then not say anything to you for several weeks or even months. Don’t pressure them to talk, just let them know you are available when they want to talk.

Get Support:

Your friend may feel more comfortable talking about the situation with someone anonymously over the phone, in that case, help them reach out to a local domestic or sexual violence organization, or one of the national support helplines listed below. You can also call the helplines to get support in how to help your friend.

Where to get help

If you are in immediate danger call 911

Saving Grace

www.saving-grace.org

541-389-7021 (24-hour helpline)

541-475-1880 (Madras Local Advocates)

National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline:

Text LOVIS to 22522 or speak to a peer advocate at 1-866-331-9474

National Sexual Assault Hotline:

1-800-656-7386

Trevor Lifeline (for LGBTQ* youth):

1-866-488-7386

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:

1-800-273-8255

www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org to chat with a crisis counselor online

Get more information at:

www.loveisrespect.org

www.breakthecycle.org

www.thatsnotcool.com

Adapted from www.engagingvoices.org 

A project of the Idaho Coalition Against Sexual & Domestic Violence