Hard Rock Zombies (1985)

Hard Rock Zombies

7/10

This is a very strange movie. It is also not particularly well made. The oddities and the fun of watching this film overcame the faults for me, which is why I rated this film a 7.

The film is basically about a rock band (giggle) that comes to a backwoods town to perform a concert. For some reason a music studio exec is going to be at this town, rather than at some minor city, to review the band. The movie starts off with a pair of random goofballs not associated with the rest of the movie picking up a strange girl (SG). They stop to skinny dip, where she somehow kills them underwater while two midgets prance in the background while some Lurch-type guy takes pictures. Cut to the band 'performing' a painful set of music, then meet with groupies in the green room afterwards. The main guitarist, aka G, is not interested in all the bountiful breasts and wanders off. A really young, and not so attractive, girl (Jailbait) tells him to not go to the next town. She gets the brush off.

Skip to the drive to the next town. G is laying down some funk on his axe, and swatted bugs keep coming back to life. His bandmates ask where he learned the music. "From a book. You know, a book. A book you read." I wish I was kidding. Necronomicon: 1, bad band: -3. The band picks up SG, and she invites them to stay at her house. They say yes. Why? They're idiots. They meet the 'family', including the midgets and Lurch, and hear howling from the house. "Don't worry, it's just mother." Oh, we're cool then (?).

Next we have the band promoting their 'concert' by skateboarding around town, taunting the authorities, and posing behind one of those head-cut-out walls with clowns painted on the front. No, I'm still not kidding. The skating isn't too bad. I was actually amused when one band member opens a beer in front of his crotch, simulating peeing on a bunch of children. Still not kidding. The band gets tossed in jail for an unnamed reason (though acting like morons would have worked), but Jailbait shows up with $30 to bail them out. Afterwards G and Jailbait share deep-feeling talk. Ick.

From here on, things get weirder (yup). There is a private music session at SG's house with all the family in attendance. The band almost gets electrocuted (on purpose), a werewolf with dual switchblades appears, sex with the midgets watching, and finally sweet, sweet band death. Movie over. Oops, that would be too easy. Would it be much of a surprise that it is our 'musicians' who die and come back as zombies? If you said 'yes' go to the end of the short line. (Well, I guess some others could become zombies first, but re-look at the title). By the magic of Jailbait playing a tape recording of that anti-death song mentioned earlier at the band's graves, the band is resurrected as zombies. Of course, they infect others.

In the middle of all this is a great little scene of a town meeting, where they can't decide if it's a meeting or a quorum. At some point I think a woman says that rock 'n' roll causes impure thoughts and sex, because Cosmo or something told her so. And sex causes sex. While trying to vote to ban rock concerts, the good townsfolk accidentally end up banning all music, including the local radio station. They are that dumb. So a nice round of smashing LPs ensues. A really great scene.

At this point everything really just flies out of control. Even internal movie logic breaks down here, on pretty much every level. People running around with 4-foot-tall cardboard celebrity head-shots trying to scare off the zombies? A music producer who is close to orgasmic about a zombie band? SG wearing tights doing interpretive dances in the street for no reason? At this point Boba Fett could be slathering suntan lotion on Jabba the Hutt while Chewbacca breakdances and I wouldn't be surprised.

The ending is really a let down. Usually in a zombie film there is either a zombie apocalypse or massive ass whoopin'. Neither happens, but there is an icky ending.

Acting was horrible. FX were lame. Plot is just plain crazy. But this film is fun. This is not a movie for everyone, or maybe anyone, but I was enthralled by the total ineptitude and wackiness of it all. Do not buy without seeing it first! It has replay value. Oh lordy, a werewolf with dual switchblades never gets old. I do heartily recommend seeing this. And don't blame me if you start singing "ooooh, Cassie....".

**** Spoilers ****

SG's house is owned by Hitler. Yeah, that Hitler, and he wants to gas all of America in his 20 by 30 foot gas basement, err, chamber. Eva Braun is the werwolf with switchblades. Lurch is Himmler. G gets killed by a weed-whacker to the chest. One of the midgets literally eats himself, including his own face. The town wants to sacrifice Jailbait to the zombies to make them go away for 100 years. They get this idea from the same book that told them that holding 4 foot high cardboard celebrity head-shots in front of them would repel the zombies. What kind of book is this, the bizzaro Necronomicon? The revived zombie band looks like KISS doing the 'robot' dance when they walk. They kill Hitler by doing 'Ring Around the Rosie' around him. And the ending? The zombie band goes to the gas chamber, plays the funky anti-death beat, which lures all the other zombies in, and then turns on the gas. Game over.

It's hard to comprehend this film in any rational way. But if you let it flow (and try to ignore the music), it's a lot of fun.