Astro Zombies (1968)

3/10

A 1968 artificial zombie film that is just... something. Mostly confused plot.

Written and directed by Ted V. Mikels, the mastermind behind "The Corpse Grinders" (1 & 2) and "Blood Orgy of the She Devils". Yeah, this ought to be fun. But don't worry, there is also a sequel: "Mark of the Astro Zombies".

The only actor of note is John Carradine, who plays Dr. DeMarco.

A woman drives into her garage where a skull-masked, rubber-gloved fiend (this is supposed to be an Astro Zombie) kills her to the sound of a heartbeat. Now we have credits with machine gun noises, smoke bombs, and little toy robots and tanks that run into each other. What is going on? Literally three minutes into the movie and chaos reigns.

We jump to a dying man in an abandoned car in the middle of a field while some creepy guy sneaks up and drags the fresh corpse away. This is Franchot, who is Dr. DeMarco's hunchbacked lab assistant. Franchot is useful for poking equipment and leering at women.

Dr. Petrovich, DeMarco's former partner, is called in by the government due to suspicions that recent multiple killings may be linked to the two doctors' previous work. Agents Eric and Chuck are assigned to work on the case. Dr. Petrovich explains how he and DeMarco were trying to create a 'hardened' man (android or cyborg) for space exploration, with the bonus of radio transmitted brain control. Neat: steel mesh stomachs, plastic pancreases, micro-meteotire proof silicon skin. And they run on solar energy. Believe it or not, this is important. The docs started with legitimate cadavers, but then DeMarco decided he needed to cull more 'fresh' specimens and got booted out of the program by the feds.

There are some dirty dealings with foreign agents who want these awesome technological achievements for their own countries. Remember, the movie was made in 1968; the space race and cold war were in high gear (Apollo 11 occurred in 1969) . Finally Franchot gets his new body to the laboratory, where DeMarco does his zany scientist thing. Mikels must have loved "Star Trek", with all of the non-science nonsense dialogue that ensues. However, there is a girl in a bikini tied down on another table, though. I only mention this because she is probably the best part of the movie, as well as a flashlight.

More government sleuthing, more foreign intrigue, some Astro Zombie action. Everything eventually works itself out. See *** SPOILERS *** for how, and one incredibly dumb scene. There is still over an hour to go. We do end with the little robots, though. Yeah!

No real violence or gore, one naked girl dance scene. I guess this could be scary if one was afraid of cyborg zombies. The film is more tedious than fun. I don't recommend viewing this film unless you want to see all of Mikels' failures. Don't buy this, you most likely will only watch it once. And then maybe stomp on it.

Film stock is a bit washed out and has some damage. Music alternates between OK and awful. The sound levels are OK except when action or dramatic scenes take place. Then the sound FX and music cues (especially the Astro Zombie attack sounds) blare. The acting is poor, as is the dialogue. Even Carradine can't save this train wreck of a script. The plot mostly just shambles over itself until the very end.

*** SPOILERS ***

All the agents eventually track down the zombie; the foreign agents by tracking the controlling radio signals, the US feds by using a nurse as bait. The penultimate showdown occurs during nighttime, and in the fight the Astro Zombie gets his battery knocked off. So he has to wonder off with a flashlight pointed at his head. Yes, you read that correctly. It gets better: you can see his shadow as he stumbles along, AND the flashlight is pointed at the camera. This may be the sole reason to watch this film. And the bikini girl, though Astro Zombie #1 does a nice Jason Voorhees impression at the end.

*** SPOILERS ***