Don't Go Near the Park (1981)

3/10

Two notable actors in this film: Aldo Ray ("Shock 'Em Dead", among many other others) plays a small role as Taft, and the one and only Linnea Quigley plays Bondi's mom in a small role. And yes, even in this small a role she somehow gets naked.

The first title card put on screen is this: "This film is fiction, though it is based on actual occurrences which happened over the centuries." Then there is scrolling text telling us how the quest for "Eternal Youth" has existed for centuries, and that some obscure tribes believe that by combining certain plants with the eating of human flesh, the devourers will steal their victim's youth. OK, I'm putting that one next to my copy of "The Illuminati".

We travel back 12,000 years, where a young couple (here Gar and Tra) are cursed to eternal aging without death, for reasons you won't find out for another 45 minutes. The witch tells them in 12,000 years the Zodiac will be in the correct phase with the moon, and at that time they need to sacrifice a virgin that is 1/2 of the tribe and 1/2 mortal. Heady stuff for the first 3 MINUTES! (Side note: the Zodiac is annular, and the only 12,000 year celestial cycles include the 'Yuga Cycle' and some 'scientist' that proposed that the Earth's magnetic poles switch every 12,000 years.) Apparently the couple go through the next 12,000 years eating young men and women to occasionally recharge themselves.

Now we're only 16 years in the past, with the couple (now Mark and Patty) frantic to produce a child (remember the half tribe thing?). Interesting how it is the woman that insists that the guy must father a child, rather than either one of them. Mark manages to seduce and marry the mom, and out pops Bondi.

Various growing up montages happen, including a trip to the zoo (with chimps and monkeys! Monkey reviewers give opposable digits up, grand total of 8). And finally we reach present day and Bondi's 16th birthday. (If you got problems with underage-looking girls in films, see the SPOILERS NOW!)

A bunch or nonsensical scenes follow, including an extended version of the curse scene. I guess this was added in just in case our brains were trying to wipe out the previous 45 minutes.

The rest of the movie includes new people showing up with basically useless information, a bunch of odd dream sequences and really dark night time scenes. The grand finale is weak; I couldn't even see half of it.

Yikes, the sound warbles all over the place. Equalization is all over the place. The film stock is OK for the most part. The practical FX are below average. Gut munching is obviously a dummy, and the aging/anti-aging is all done by cut shots. The 'shedding' of the old faces is just dumb. Dialogue is sub-average, and sometimes just straight awful. The plot made sense in its own universe, which is far removed from ours.

Not rental worthy, even if free. If someone gives it to you as a gift, it would make a nice coaster for a coffee table. Don't even bother if you are a Quigley fan.

The DVD did have a good 30 minutes of extended and deleted scenes, which didn't add to the story. It was interesting to see the un-retouched 35mm film spliced into the extended scenes.

*** SPOILERS ***

Wonderful, let's rape a 16 year old who looks at least a few years younger. Supposedly there were more nude scenes for Bondi, which the director thankfully cut out. It makes Cassie from "Hard Rock Zombies" look all grown up. Ick. She actually gets assaulted two more times, once by an 8 year old and once by her father. Oh, and Bondi is evil at the end, trying to rip out the guts of the 8 year old.