Here we go again?

I received a message from someone that he.. likes me?

No way!

Really??

😭

This happened right as I was about to transition to another division within our line of business. What the freak was going on? Then I remembered about something similar which happened about five years ago. I was not even asking for it, but.. why not give it a try? One more time?

Once again I was not really in love with him. I never really fell in love with someone who fell for me. I was actually interested in someone else, though I knew I had no chance. But I was not really looking for love at the moment. I just wanted to get by with my career.

As it had always been since my very first day with the company. Throughout the months I had a history of different male colleagues expressing their interest in me. Unfortunately for them, none of these guys captured my interest. But these experiences I had, somehow, gave me a sense of.. validation? I did not need them, but I always felt at my lowest if it didn't happen. For the very first time in my life, I felt like I exist.

And now, this guy?

I just met him not too long ago, just in time when a big change was about to happen to my career. I may not be really in love, but I was like.. this could be monumental, so why not at least get to know him?

I did not need to fall for him, because I don’t want to end up with the wrong person. But this is just a getting to know phase. We can at least be friends. So why not give him a chance?

And it really happened at the right time. It was February, so it happened just in time for Valentine’s Day. What started as a simple random chat message that I can easily let slide.. went on to evolve in exchanges of sharing stories, interests and heartfelt messages.. until even exchanging ”I love you” messages.

Does this mean I have a boyfriend now?

We were close. The only thing that was missing was to meet up regularly. We only ever met in person very rarely. There had been many attempts though in finally meeting up. I was about to invite him to attend our team building. He was about to invite me to his own. And we were about to go on a date on Valentine’s Day!

And that was the problem. Taking my new role at work into account, unfortunately, our schedules did not align. That ultimately led to miscommunication between the both of us - something that had been gradually happening before we both knew. As the days went by, with February drawing to a close.. we became more and more distant from each other.

But I still held onto the hope of finally meeting.

And possibly, for both of us to finally start a relationship.

I guess I was in love.

Was I??