This is a follow-up to my last blog post, and I have to be honest. My plan to finish the transcription bit of my research hasn't gone as well as I'd like. Last week I finally hit the metaphorical wall. It’s wasn't a massive wall, it wasn't threatening to unravel everything I’ve done so far, but it was solid and it was there and I ran full-pelt into it like the myopic fool I am. I finally hit the 'I don't think I can do this' wall that many PhD candidates run into. BUT, to paraphrase Tom Baker's Fourth Doctor as he regenerated into Peter Davison's Fifth incarnation of the Time Lord: "I've hit a wall...but the moment has been prepared for." But while I had been prepared for this, I still needed to come up with a plan to clamber over (or tunnel underneath) it, remember that this is common, it’s not the end of the world, and it may well happen again.
Now, though this may sound like I'm nominating myself for the 2025 Joan of Arc Award for Services to Martyrdom, I’ve been juggling a full-time job and part-time study for two years now. Behind the scenes, I also think the world may be going batshit crazy. It's like one of those 80s made for TV dystopian movies my generation used to watch as kids unfolding in real life, with the jarring juxtaposition of having to go about one’s daily routines, household admin., and all the other stuff ‘adulting’ involves. This existential angst, triggered by the domestic and political absolute bloody state of things at a local, national, and international level has fried my brain. I genuinely find myself wondering whether I’ll get to finish my studies before I get nuked by a manbaby narcissist (though I'm not not sure which particular manbaby narcissist it will be. Take your pick-there are a few).
And breathe. I’m also trying to teach myself how to use NVivo, refreshing my knowledge of discourse analysis as a methodology to scaffold CGT, and trying to work out how to make both methodologies complement/inform one another to add weight to any unintended consequences I discover. I’ve also just completed a MOOC about AI because Artificial Intelligence is becoming a vital part of my role (I'm going to be involved in co-developing the university's AI strategy), and it’s proving to be incredibly useful for my research.
I’ve also been transcribing interviews and journal entries since April and it has become, frankly, a bit of a chore. And while it’s exciting to see hints and wispy indications of some possible unintended consequences, these bursts of excitement do not outweigh the slow, meticulous and repetitive nature and - I feel really disingenuous saying this - the absolute slog of making sure written transcripts are accurate does nothing for my ADHD. So, as a result of this, midway through the transcription process I realised that I'd lost interest in everything. Work, study, research, and worryingly, the things I usually do for fun, including gaming.
As I said at the start, I realised I'd hit a wall, but also sensed that this wasn't a sign of upcoming crisis. I sensed that a chat with my very supportive line manager and a couple of days’ annual leave leading to a much-needed long weekend would help (but not remove the wall entirely. Only a longer break will do that). Leave agreed, I spent 3 days doing absolutely nothing, then started to get bored and twitchy, so took the risk of returning to the remaining transcriptions. I decided to transcribe the journal entries I’d received as these were written, so needed nothing other than formatting changes to make them codable. This took all of two and a half hours, psychologically made me feel like I'd made good progress, and as a result, renewed some of the mental energy I’ve been lacking. Not only that, but I felt able to dig back into the interview transcripts, promising myself that the moment it became too much, I'd stop and not feel guilty about it. At the time of writing, I have three interview left to transcribe, which doesn't feel like an insurmountable task. So that’s 22 interview transcripts and eight participant journals completed and ready to code. Boom!
I’m not going to be an idiot and hurtle straight into initial coding, because that could just make the burnout worse and the wall will come back even higher than before. I'm still planning on taking 2 or 3 weeks of annual leave over the summer and will be going home (to Cornwall) to see family and friends, sit on the beach, eat pasties and ice cream, and properly recharge my batteries before I start the initial round of coding. But for now, I've climbed this particular wall, and it's behind me.