How do you feel both older than Methuselah AND rejuvenated at the same time? The answer, of course, is to attend your induction day as a 53 year old student!
I have wanted to 'do' a PhD for about 30 years, and as someone with a degree in art and a background in pub management, put any thought of studying for a Doctorate out of my mind. And I wasn't miserable, as I loved being behind the bar, but as my life changed direction and I started to work in education, I was awarded a PGCE, getting that gave me confidence to study for a Master's degree, and since I gained that I've had those PhD thoughts tickling at my brain ever since.
So this was a pretty momentous day for me, especially knowing that I would certainly be among the oldest, if not the oldest person, in the room. Weirdly, because of this, I also felt like I was saying 'See everyone? Just because you're over 50 doesn't mean that you can't chase your dreams!'
But I was also feeling Imposter Syndrome. Not because I didn't think I could do this: I'd been offered a place, so there was some faith in me from the university that I could - but because of the school I was enrolling to: Biomedical and Life Sciences. My only science qualification is a dodgy Grade 4 CSE in Biology.
I have to admit, the weight of feeling like such an imposter grew heavier as the morning went on. At the customary 'tell everyone your name and what you're researching' icebreaker, as I listened to students talk about their research into dynamic brains and the changing rules of neuroplasticity and their implications for learning, or genetic modifiers of rare variants in monogenic developmental disorder loci, I felt ever more out of my depth. And oddly embarrassed to say 'well, I'm researching video games where you get to kill everything and feel good about it'.
But, a student of Biosciences I am, and my supervisors see worth in my research. As did the presenters of the induction session when I approached them during a coffee break and admitted to them my feeling of being an imposter. They reminded me that there are biological links between wellbeing, problem-solving and attaining a state of flow and neuroscience, which I'll need to investigate. They also made it clear that all research is important in its sphere, so to give myself a break.
The day was presented with a sense of genuine care and support for the cohort, and it was invigorating (and rather nice for the ego) to be with a group of really clever people and be considered one of their peers. Peers that were, as I assumed, a lot younger than me, but a group of people who were eager, interesting, and all absolute nerds in their subject areas. And I say that, as a fellow nerd, with great affection.
A fab start, a truly important day for me, and a day where I found myself grinning every now and then just thinking: 'This is it! I'm actually doing a PhD!'