Can we get rid of these freshmen already?

Can we all agree that these freshmen are getting a little out of hand? The fart spray, the fighting, the incessant: “What time is class over?” in their prepubescent voices. It irks me, it really does. 

I’ve been walking down to the weight room for a bit of peace and quiet from their distractions. But during my recent after-school gym trips, freshmen like Dominic DeLuca, Michael Slawinski, and Darrius “D-Money” Hamilton have been in there ego-lifting. It’s like, ya know, what Immanuel Kant said about how beauty can only be purposive without definite purpose. Like when you seek a certain “perfect” aesthetic for the human body. Jeez.

It isn’t their inherent annoying qualities that make me feel the need to get rid of them but more so their untapped potential. For instance, DeLuca is interested in things like chess and robotics, and according to my good friend, Dr. Jon Berry, he isn’t actually bad at the game. The problem is he doesn’t use his potential as much as he could. Unfortunately, he isn’t the only one. 

I constantly tell my sophomores and juniors that “they aren’t freshmen.” The whole idea of being a freshman is a person who is incapable of doing the right thing. It’s practically biological. Even I was a bit rambunctious as a highschooler, though I may not seem it now. I remember on one occasion I gaslit my math teacher into thinking the Gospel of Mark came before Matthew. Those were the good old days. 

While some adventurous spirit is good to have, I would say that the freshmen as a whole are a different breed of outgoing. I can understand the yearning for climbing a fourteener in Colorado, but the urge to see how long one can hide their phone from the teacher is foreign to me, and not measurable by any valid humor heuristic. 

Not only are they excited to do the wrong thing, they are also conniving and treacherous little creatures. Emphasis on little. Doc Berry mentioned to me that he once heard a freshman pass another in the hallway and whisper, “They have screenshots,” and then walk away. Having a fellow Carmel brother’s back is important, so while I respect their willingness to help a peer, it worries me to see them so uncaring of their futures. That’s why I believe we should just get rid of them. 

Why not? After all, the freshmen are stinky, loud, and reckless troublemakers. Even though I’d say that the class of 2026 is worse than previous years, the freshmen have always been pesky. They make fun of everyone for the silliest reasons. For example, I overheard a young man say he wanted to try out for the E-sports team, and his friend called him “lame” for it. 

Some “quality-of-life changes” to our school system would really make everyone’s Carmel experience so much better. Still don’t believe me? Have the Incubator class run it through a cost/benefit analysis, and tell me I’m wrong.

Dominic Scheuring is a Mt. Carmel Theology teacher and writer whose work has been featured in The Washington Post, Vanity Fair, and Popular Mechanics.