Mr. Kellam declares his run for presidency

            With the recent midterm election ending, Mr. Kieran Kellam, a U.S. Government and U.S. History teacher, has been inspired to throw his hat into the ring and enter the race for the presidential election. This choice was inspired by a recent project he recently assigned in his US government class.

 “Some of the issues that my students brought up are great problems that need to be addressed, and some of them are not,” said Mr. Kellam. “However, these students have brought up some great concerns. The only problem I see is that most, if not all, of the students that brought up these ideas are going to Division I sports, so I have decided that I will run for office using these ideas and a few of my own to let their voices be heard.” 

But running for president can't be accomplished by just one person; he has asked former history teacher Mr. Nathan Roy to be his Vice President. The two seek to heavily campaign and influence all of the teachers in the country with promises of rigorous reading assignments for American students. A rumor is spreading that students who vote for them or influence someone to vote for them will be exempt from said reading.   

But the campaign promises don't stop there. Mr. Kellam reportedly would like to send a grant to select schools to improve classroom conditions. The political experts at The Merchant suspect he just wants the holes in the floor of his classroom fixed. Mr. Kellam showed great support for the School Vendor Act, allowing a food and drink cart to travel inside schools with refreshments for the hard working staff and students. Outside of education, Kellam will work to do his best to lower the price of oil because, like the citizens that are voting for him, he has to pay for gas, too.

“When he told our eighth-period Government class that he was running for president, I laughed out loud and told him that he could not win one state,” says sophomore Dominic Rotto. “Then my grade suspiciously dropped.” “I applaud the hard work and effort that is in the government department, but I really don't want to hire a new teacher or teach the class again” said Mr. Tabernacki. 

“I really like the refreshment cart bill. However, if there is no Coke Zero on the cart, I just don't think he will have my vote.” said Mr. Medina.

Political experts are puzzled and do not know how well Kellam’s campaign will go. However, to support Mr. Kellam on his political conquest, The Merchant endorses Mr. Kellam in the 2024 election. Students who will be eighteen by November 5, 2024 are highly encouraged to register to vote and show their support for Mr. Kellam.