Boundaries and Preferences 🚦

Boundaries are ways to create a physically, mentally and emotionally safe space for ourselves. If we know our needs well, that can help us build and maintain healthy boundaries. After knowing the bare minimum that we need to feel well, we can then begin to find out at what point these needs are not being met.

For example, if one of my needs is to have adequate rest time over the weekends, one of my boundaries would be that I will not check my work messages during the weekend.

🙅 Boundaries are not expectations you put upon others, they are a promise to yourself. When you communicate your boundary to others, it is phrased in what you will and will not do, not in what others should and should not do.

For example, I would tell someone that I don’t look at work messages over the weekend. I would not say to another person, “you should not send me work messages over the weekend.”

By communicating our boundaries to others, we are hoping that they will respect them enough to be mindful of it. Sometimes others might forget our boundaries, or our boundaries might change in different contexts. In these cases, we might need to repeat or update our boundaries to them. Hopefully this does not happen too many times!

🚦 Boundaries are related to preferences. Preferences are our best-case scenarios, our wants. In any situation that we are in, whether it is an interpersonal relationship or a work scenario, it is helpful to think of

(1) what is ideal 🟢

(2) what we minimally need 🟠

(3) the non-negotiables 🔴

These boundaries can and will change according to different circumstances, which makes communicating them all the more important.

For example, if I was a freelance arts practitioner with an irregular work schedule, I might phrase my boundaries like this:

(1) 🟢 ideally, I prefer having a few days’ notice about things, but

(2) 🟠 in the case of emergencies, I am okay with responding to messages within a day.

(3) 🔴 However, I am not okay with repeated last-minute notices or changes.

There are many types of boundaries:

• 🏃 Physical boundaries are about our personal space and physical touch.

  • • What kind of physical interaction feels safe and/or playful, and when does it start feeling uncomfortable?

    • Physical boundaries are violated when someone touches you when you don’t want them to, or when your personal space (e.g. bedroom, study desk, laptop) is invaded without your consent.

• 💕 Emotional boundaries are about our feelings.

  • • In what situations do you feel that its safe to share your feelings without facing judgement?

    • Emotional boundaries are violated when your feelings are made fun of, minimised or criticised by yourself or others.

• 🧠 Intellectual/psychological boundaries are about our thoughts and ideas.

  • • In what situations do you feel that your ideas and thoughts are respected by others?

    • Intellectual/psychological boundaries are violated when your ideas and thoughts are ridiculed or ignored by yourself or others.

• 💰 Material boundaries are about our money and possessions.

  • • What kinds of material things are you okay and not okay with sharing? Who are you comfortable with sharing them with and who are you not comfortable with sharing with?

    • Material boundaries are violated when your belongings are stolen or damaged, or when you are pressured into giving or lending your things to others.

• 🕑 Time boundaries are about how we use our time.

  • • Do you set aside time for different aspects of your life (family, work, friends, hobbies, yourself, etc.)? Do you have enough time for each?

    • Time boundaries are violated when a person or one aspect of our life demands too much of our time.

• 🛏 Sexual boundaries are about the emotional, intellectual and physical aspects of sexuality.

  • • Do I feel comfortable communicating my limitations and desires to my sexual partner(s)? Do I feel respected and safe in my sexual relationships?

    • Sexual boundaries are violated when someone touches us in a sexual way without consent, or when we are pressured into sexual acts, or when others make unwanted sexual comments in our presence.

[Anecdote will be added in its own side box: "Several of my peers and I were constantly being bad-mouthed by a previous mentor who went around speaking ill about our teaching abilities and our work. It was agonising but we noticed that the mentor no longer had much influence over us nor the institutions and networks we work with, so we did not pursue the matter. Some friends continued to study with that mentor, and would share the mentor's latest opinions about what I was doing, with me. To protect my mental well-being, I asserted a boundary and told them I was not interested in anything the mentor had to say"]

One important thing to note is that having boundaries is a way to love and protect ourselves. When we communicate our boundaries to others, we can do so clearly, calmly, firmly and respectfully. We do not need to apologise for having boundaries. It is also important that our behaviour matches the boundaries that we set. When we prioritise others’ perception of us above our own self-love and protection, we can often violate our own boundaries.

Setting boundaries is a process that takes time and practice. 🕓 Take the time you need and be patient with yourself. You might feel anxious, scared, or guilty for putting yourself first, but know that you have to care for yourself well, in order to care for others well too.

Boundaries may not always be received by others in a positive way. 😔 Many of us grew up learning that we have to put others’ happiness and comfort before our own in order to be a selfless and kind person. Even if we want to be generous and caring, we cannot pour from an empty cup. Setting boundaries builds a strong foundation for us to then contribute to others’ wellbeing, if we want to.

😠 If you often feel emotionally tired, frustrated or annoyed, it might be because you have not been setting good boundaries for yourself, or that you are in a situation where your boundaries are not respected and repeatedly violated by others. If you find that the same person keeps violating your boundaries, even after you clearly set them out, it's likely that the relationship between both of you feels unsafe and tiring. This person could also be yourself. 😳

Having a good support system to talk to, or to spend time with, is a helpful way to find safety and affirmation. Do you know anyone whom you could speak to if you were facing a difficult time? This could be a trusted friend, coworker, family member, mentor or counsellor.

When we experience big changes to our lives (for example, moving to a new place, starting a new job or new relationship), there will always be a period of adjustment. During this adjustment period, it is more challenging to find safety because we are still figuring out the details of our comfort levels in the new context. It is important to practice setting boundaries during this adjustment period by being aware of, and communicating our needs in a respectful way.

In arts contexts, sometimes we want to push boundaries and create some levels of discomfort for both artist and audience. Intimacy coordinator Elizabeth Talbot has a model that can help us navigate this:

• 🟩 Comfort zone - where we usually begin from

• 🟨 Stretch zone - learning/trying something new in a familiar environment

• 🟧 Challenge zone - learning/trying something new in an unfamiliar environment

• 🟥 Panic zone - too overwhelmed or shutting down

Tip: If you know that you are going to challenge your boundaries to the Stretch or Challenge zone, it might be helpful to have someone on standby to check in on how you are feeling during and after the event.

More resources:

https://open.spotify.com/episode/3beLHIAwvcVzoE1BzZrrry?si=CGYLH0DkQUaNoT_D0r3jIg

https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/

https://www.intimacyforstageandscreen.com/guidelines.html

Reflective Questions

NOTE: Reflective questions can feel intense! If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed or tired, please feel free to take a break or leave the section altogether. Alternatively, you can simply skim past the questions to get a feel of them without answering each individual question. Ultimately, these questions are for you: take what you need and leave what you don't! :)