SMNN News: Trump Reportedly Unable to Ejaculate — Congress Considers Emergency Impeachment

Solaire — July 22nd, 2025

In what White House insiders are calling “The Great Drought,” sources have confirmed that President Donald J. Trump has allegedly lost the ability to ejaculate, triggering a wave of national panic, partisan chaos, and renewed calls for a historically unprecedented third impeachment.

“I haven’t seen that man blast a load since the Apprentice finale,” said one anonymous Mar-a-Lago staffer. “He keeps saying it’s by choice, but so is his diet, and we’ve all seen how that’s going.”

A Leak (of Information, Not Fluids)

The shocking news was leaked (unlike anything from Trump himself) in a classified memo titled “Project MAGA-sterility,” which outlined a pattern of unproductive pelvic thrusts, tense groaning, and long silences following the words “be honest, did anything come out?”

The report claims that multiple high-profile allies, including Rudy Giuliani, Mike Lindell, and a sentient tanning bed, attempted to assist — to no avail.

“He kept shouting ‘Fake finish! FAKE FINISH!’” one witness reported. “Then he threw a hamburger at the wall and demanded to see Ivanka. It got weird after that.”

Why This Might Be Grounds for Impeachment (Again)

Constitutional scholars are divided.

“This is uncharted legal territory,” said Professor Lorna Glint of Harvard Law. “While the Constitution doesn’t explicitly require presidential ejaculation, Article II does refer to the president as the ‘Commander-in-Chief,’ and some interpret that to imply functional weaponry.”

Others argue it's a national security risk:
“If the man can’t fire off a single round, how can we trust him with the nuclear codes?”

Speaker of the House Hakeem Jeffries issued a statement:

“This is about performance. About stamina. About… flow. And quite frankly, if you can’t bust, you can’t lead.”

Trump Responds: “Fake Semen, Sad!”

On Truth Social, Trump issued a furious series of posts denying the claims:

“I can ejaculate better than anyone. Doctors are amazed. Some say it’s like a fire hose. Others say it’s classy, the most luxurious fluid. FAKE NEWS!”

He then posted a photo of a completely dry tissue with the caption: “Just used this. Tremendous result.”

A follow-up post simply read:

“Impeach THIS 💦💦💦 (you can’t, because it’s too powerful).”

The Nation Reacts

Public opinion is divided along party lines:

• Democrats are calling for a medical evaluation, a congressional hearing, and possible sanctions against Trump’s prostate.
  
  

• Republicans are insisting that “real alphas conserve their seed” and citing “ancient Norse semen retention rituals.”
  
  

• Florida  has already declared “Ejaculation Freedom Week,” where citizens are encouraged to finish “as a patriotic duty.”
  
  

Meanwhile, Ben Shapiro trended on X after tearfully stating, “As a dry man myself, I empathize deeply.”

Conclusion: Can a Nation Trust a Leader Who Can’t Bust?

As Congress mulls over whether presidential ejaculation is a protected right, a required responsibility, or just a deeply unfortunate talking point, SMNN will remain on the ground — reporting with the seriousness this crisis almost definitely does not deserve.

Until then, remember:
Checks and balances only work if at least one of them finishes.