SMNN News: Elon Musk Unveils First Tesla Powered Entirely by Semen, Says "It's the Future of Ejaculative Energy"

Solaire — July 27th, 2025

SMNN NEWS: In a press conference that left reporters speechless and slightly damp, Elon Musk revealed Tesla's latest and most biologically intimate innovation yet: the Model S-EX, the world’s first vehicle powered exclusively by human semen.

“We’ve spent years working on sustainable energy,” Musk said, straddling a prototype covered in clear tubing and suspiciously viscous fluid. “But what if the answer was inside us all along? Literally.”

The announcement took place at the grand opening of Tesla’s new “GigaCum Factory” in Fresno, California — a 69-acre facility where volunteers "donate" the vital resource via a state-of-the-art Extraction Pod™ featuring mood lighting, VR goggles, and a looping playlist of Marvin Gaye and Joe Rogan episodes.

"No More Gas. No More Lithium. Just Jizz."

According to Tesla’s team of Reproductive Engineers, a single ejaculation can now propel the Model S-EX up to 0.69 miles, depending on diet, hydration, and recent internet browsing history.

“The science is simple,” said Dr. Linda Splooge, Tesla’s Director of Bio-Voltaic Conversion. “Semen contains proteins, enzymes, and enough misplaced ambition to power a small city block, if you yell at it hard enough.”

Controversy Erupts, Sperm Banks Go Public

Since the announcement, sperm banks across the country have reported massive shortages, with lines wrapping around buildings and Craigslist ads offering “competitive rates for virile deposits.”

Musk’s move has drawn criticism from environmental groups and ethicists alike.

“This is exploitation,” said Sandra Hymes of the Green Fluids Coalition. “He’s turning humanity into a fleet of walking fuel pumps.”

Meanwhile, Tesla fanatics are embracing the change. On Tesla forums, one user shared:

“Just drove my Model S-EX to work using last night’s ‘session.’ Sustainability is hot.”

Another posted a TikTok tutorial titled “How to Maximize Your Mileage with Pineapple Juice and Yoga”, which has already garnered 1.4 million views and a sponsorship from Gatorade.

Elon: “I Will Not Rest Until Mars is Covered in Cum-Powered Rovers”

Asked about the long-term vision, Musk laid it out bluntly:

“This is about more than transportation. This is about liberation. From fossil fuels, from lithium mining, from the tyranny of the testicle. Imagine a world where your daily emissions fuel your morning commute. That's freedom.”

He concluded the event by igniting a “ceremonial spurt-start” of the first official S-EX unit, which sputtered heroically to life to the sound of Donna Summer’s “Love to Love You Baby.”

The car then lurched 4 feet forward, stalled, and slowly leaked onto the showroom floor.

SMNN will continue to cover this sticky situation as it develops.