SMNN EXCLUSIVE: Survey Reveals How People Prefer to “Acquire Semen” — Results Are Horrifying

Solaire — July 21st, 2025

SMNN EXCLUSIVE: In a world where bodily fluids are increasingly treated like artisanal ingredients, a new SMNN-commissioned survey has finally uncovered how the average person prefers to obtain semen — and the results are disturbing enough to make Freud rise from the grave just to lie back down again.

The study, conducted via an online questionnaire shared exclusively in gym locker rooms, Reddit forums, and the comment sections of Joe Rogan clips, revealed four primary “acquisition methods,” along with shockingly real-sounding numbers:

Here Were the Stats:

• Jacking Off (DIY, Solo Edition): 10 vote
  
  

• Used Condom Found Behind a CVS: 50 votes
  
  

• Stealing From Others (Without Permission): 20 votes
  
  

• Robbing a Sperm Bank (With Ski Mask and Vibes): 20 votes
  
  

Total Participants: 100
Total Therapy Required: 100

Breaking It Down: What These Numbers Say About Society

SMNN analysts spent nearly 15 minutes crunching the data and drinking expired Muscle Milk before reaching one disturbing conclusion: people will do absolutely anything to avoid handling their own semen.

“I thought the DIY method would dominate,” said Dr. Lyle Firth, SMNN’s Chief Psychosexual Demographer. “But apparently, we’re living in a post-nut accountability era.”

The fact that “Used Condom Behind a CVS” outperformed all other options has sent shockwaves through the statistical modeling community — and local CVS managers.

Interviews With Respondents (All Anonymous, Thankfully)

• “I don’t like making my own. Feels narcissistic. Like drinking your own bath water.”
  
  

• “There’s something exhilarating about the chase. Like a treasure hunt, but sadder.”
  
  

• “Look, I’m not saying robbing a sperm bank is okay, but at least it’s cold-filtered.”
  
  

One man, who admitted to voting for the sperm bank option twice, told SMNN:

“When I walk into that clinic with a duffel bag and a dream, I feel alive. It’s not about the fluid. It’s about the heist.”

Experts Warn: Please Stop This

Health officials have issued a joint statement urging the public to stop "harvesting, scavenging, or stealing bodily fluids in any capacity,” reminding everyone that semen is not a free-range condiment and “should never be taken from parking lots, no matter how desperate the vibes.”

One doctor put it bluntly:

“Used condoms are not piñatas. Please, for the love of hygiene, just use your own.”

Conclusion: A Nation in Crisis — and in Heat

As bioethics implode and CVS locations begin installing condom disposal safes, the question remains:
What are we doing? And why are we doing it behind a pharmacy at 2 a.m.?

SMNN will continue to monitor this sticky situation with gloves on.

Until then, remember:
If you can’t make it yourself… maybe you don’t deserve it.