Building Relationships

Positive relationships are at the heart of all that we aim to do in ministry. One in five young people report having no positive adult relationships in their lives. Another 20% only have one. The church provides a unique opportunity for adults to invest in and build up our young people through relationships. 

There are five key elements of developing positive adult relationships: 

• Expressing Care

• Challenging Growth

• Providing Support

• Sharing Power

• Expanding Possibilities

Below, you will find more information and practical application of how we can support our young people. 

Expressing Care

We may care deeply about our youth, but they may not see or experience that care, particularly if we are not good at expressing it. Consider the following everyday actions - some that you likely already do - that communicate that you value each young person, and help young people come to know they can trust you. 

1. Learn names: Learn names and how to pronounce them accurately soon after you meet a young person. Politely correct others who mispronounce others' names. It may seem like such a simple thing, but greeting young people by their name (correctly) can often make a big difference. 

2. Listen actively: When a young person is talking, give them your undivided attention and demonstrate your interest in what they have to say through eye contact, nodding, and asking clarifying questions. Young people notices when adults are only half listening. Revisit topics young people bring up to demonstrate that you remembered what they had to say. ("Hey, didn't you have a game last weekend? How did it go?")

3. Share stories: It may feel vulnerable to you, but youth love to hear about how you came to be the person you are today. Share information about your life (with appropriate boundaries, of course) and connect your experience to what young people are going through today. 

4. Offer advice carefully: If a young person opens up to you about a challenge they are facing, give the young person a chance to describe what happened, tell you how they are feeling, or just vent before you offer advice or guidance. ASK if they would like your input on how to address the situation. 

5. Show up: Attend sporting events, concerts, presentations, graduations, and other activities that matter to young people. If you tell a young person you'll be coming to an event, do all that you can to be there. 

Challenging Growth

Many young people will say teachers, leaders, parents, and other adults already challenge growth all the time. They may be experiencing healthy challenge or they may be being pushed to do better for less-than-healthy reasons (like unhealthy competition for grades) or to make someone else happy. Here are some approaches to challenging growth that can elicit healthy motivation, growth, and learning. 

1. Encourage appropriate autonomy: Don't just provide answers for young people when they can do it themselves; encourage them to figure it out on their own. Remind them that they are capable of doing challenging things. 

2. Go beyond: Encourage young people to move beyond their comfort zones to try new things and go places that are unfamiliar and new. 

3. Use an equity lens: Point out biases you may see in things you read, watch, or listen to with young people. Engage young people in conversations about how such biases are harmful, and talk about healthy ways to respond to and challenge bias. Be ready for young people to challenge your growth in this area as well! And if you notice harmful bias in what young people say or do, challenge it while making sure the young people understand that you're challenging them from a place of care, not criticism. Ask, "What do you mean by that?" or "Tell me more about how you came to that conclusion" before correcting or refocusing their ideas. 

4. Develop critical thinking skills: Expand young people's thinking by asking hard questions, providing alternative explanations, and encouraging openness to different opinions. When young people talk about or spread rumors, misinformation, or conspiracy theories, push them to dig for accurate information and credible resources to clarify the issues. Encourage them to educate themselves on different perspectives about an issue. 

5. Encourage future thinking: Help young people imagine their future selves by asking them to think and talk about what they want their lives to be like in the gesture. In addition to asking about jobs or education, ask they what they hope their personality will be like, what interests they will have, and what causes they will care about. 

Providing Support

Finding the right balance to providing support can sometimes be tricky. Some adults offer to "help" and then "take over." Or they don't offer help at all, waiting to see if the young person can do it by themselves, and that young person ends up quitting completely out of utter discouragement. But when you get the balance right, young people know THEY did it, and you know they can do it the next time, probably with less help from you. 

1. Remove internal roadblocks: Help young people recognize and counteract ways that they might get in their own way when they feel frustrated, like negative self-talk, giving up, or shutting down. Help them find a new way to look at a difficult situation when they feel discouraged. 

2. Validate feelings: When young people are working hard toward a goal (especially when they are struggling with it), ask them how they are feeling and validate or acknowledge their feelings. 

3. Problem solve: Talk through difficult situations or tasks WITH the young person. Help them identify what their options are, and what the consequences of different choices might be. Help them identify which aspects they can handle on their own and which aspects might require support from a caring adult. 

4. Prep for tough stuff: Support young people navigating conflict by creating a strategy together for approaching a difficult conversation. Use role play to help them practice their strategy and what they want to say. Many young people need help learning how to ask for help. 

5. Keep an open-door: Proactively let young people know that they can come to you if they want or need to talk. 

Sharing Power

1. Establish norms: At the beginning of your time with young people, agree together on a set of statements or expectations that describe the ways you will work together and treat each other. 

2. Share responsibility: Whenever it is possible and appropriate, do things alongside young people, such as cleaning up a space together or raising your voices about an issue in the community. 

3. Be willing to be wrong: Admit when you've made a mistake and apologize, including naming ways you'll do better or try to change in the future. 

4. Encourage voice: Invite young people to share their thoughts and opinions and to provide feedback. Remind them that their voices are important within and beyond the program. Ask "what do you think about _________?" Take their ideas seriously. 

5. Build leadership skills: Encourage young people to take on leadership roles that suit their personalities. Some like to lead behind the scenes, some like to be more out front. Take time to invite young people to be a leader in their own way. 

Expanding Possibilities: 

1. Broaden perspectives: Recommend things to watch, listen to, or read to gain exposure to new ideas, prompt consideration of different perspectives, and expand a young person's thinking about a topic. 

2. Help them go deeper: Ask about and listen for things that young people are curious about or like to do. When you discover such a subject or interest, encourage the young person to learn more about it. When possible, provide them with resources to engage in and build on that interest. 

3. Promote diversity: Facilitate conversations and connections among young people that cross lines of difference. 

4. Say what you see in them: When you see a gift in a young person that they might not seem themselves, let them know, "I think you might be really good at this." 

5. Share stories of how different people find their path in life: Whether it be examples from the lives of famous people or historical figures, interviewing other adults in your community, or sharing your own story, help young people see that there are many different ways that an individual's life experiences shape the journey they take in becoming adults and figuring out what they want to do in life.