OK, are you a normal person?
Yeah? Do NOT read this page.
Seriously, go away.
If, on the other hand, you have an actual psense of humour, please continue....
(Mostly still from 2023, with the occasional update.
BEWARE my terrible humore, and swearing! ) This page is NOT HR approved, nor are they even allowed to fucki_g look at it... MUAHAHAHAHA
I get to be my normal self at least a LITTLE bit...
So, I'm middle Bob. ( Robert Housedorf II ) (( *NO** , NOT FRIKKIN Jr. Dad was smart enough to not go that route.. *I* am the 2nd, in speech. OBEY MY AUTHORITA!!!!!!!!!! ))
FYI, my family should NOT READ ANY OF THIS. Heidi, ( Robert thee 3rds GF , otherwise known as Holly, especially ) ((Cue Sound of Music theme song now please ))
I *AM* a terrrirrible person, and just horrible besides that. I'm also not nice and try to make children scream every chance I get.
I Succeed.
I take no responsibility if any of you get offended.
I also enjoy any exaggerations that I make on porpoise.( See other rants on on porpouse usage and my dumbness. Look hard, you'll find it. And hopefully laff...... )
OK, FIRST OFF, my dad, Robert Housedorf, who started the farm 60 years ago as of 2023.
Yup, sixty years in business. And I couldn't get my ass in gear soon enough to find suitable pictures for the 60 year anniversary mug.
I am terrible. (And yeah, you, the customer, ain't getting one of those 60 year mugs anymore. Unless I REALLY like you...)
I'll buy you a box of cigars, ok dad? Wait, I buy ALL your tobacco online, already, as it is....
Let's face it, you're just not getting anything special. Sorry. Love you, but, no.
How old is dad this year?
WTH did I say in previous years? 297? He must be 298 this year then.
If you see him puffing on a sloppy wet cigar, that is only 1/4 inch long, and not even lit anymore, and he has brown disgusting goo on his chin, please feel free to tell him to wipe his face.
I'm getting tired of doing it.
Also, if you see him trying to LIGHT said cigar, and burning his nose, and he's not noticing because it's cold, please tell him to stop...
OK, MORE Dad.
He started planting *70* years ago , from 2023, and all the tall trees you see, near the house, and down, he planted as a kid in 4H
If you get a chance to support 4H, you really should!
FFA ( Is that the right abbrev? I think so.. ) (( FFA is actually the right thing. I slowed down my drinking for 15 minutes, and it Is Right! W00T!!!! )) in High School also.
Now on toe me, Middle Bob.
First, if you LIKE the website, come find me. If not, keep your opinion to yourself! ( MUAHAHAHahahahahah )
I have the horrendous beard, possibly with balls in it.
(2024, about 4 inches long now... )
(2025, coming up on SIX INCHES!!!!!!! well, for 4 hairs anyway)
There will be balls in it if we're not too busy.
There might even be balls in it if we ARE busy. My balls get around...
( My balls get around, round round round round round round, get around round round round round round round, ( OMFG, enough , IT IS NOT A SATURDAY NIGHT (( Shit. Yes it is. I'm stopping anyway.... (12/9/2023 , yes, it is a Sat nite.) ( If you think this is crazy, you should hear the stuff that I go through in my own head, every day, all day, 365.) ( You would try to have me committed.)(I think I'm frikkin lost on parens at this point but IDRC. )))),
Hang on, need to go youtube that....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ruKCw797JM4
( still a valid link in 2025, w00t! )
Sometimes I wear my balls in my beard when we're NOT on the farm. Those are good times. People look at me funny though.
Well hell, they look at me funny when I'm NOT wearing balls in my beard, so what the hell...
If you find any of my balls stuck in your xmas bush, it's because I was handling your xmas bush, and they got stuck in your xmas bush, and came loose.
Please return any of my loose balls that you find stuck in your xmas bush to me, before you leave. I only have 4 or 5.
Depending how many my wife lets me have on any particular day. ( Yeah, NO APOSTROPHE there... )
You people are disgusting. It is xmas. XMAS balls, you know, the little Red, Green and Gold things, that you hang on your xmas bush, not the kind you're thinking of! For shame on you!
(Unless you're female, single & cute. Then come talk to me. Preferably dirty. )
Seriously. Shame.
Where was I?
Jennifer is the unfortunate soul who made the mistake of choosing to marry me.
No, She said YES, all by herself.
There were no threats of killing her cats or anything like that. Those are ALL allegations and there isn't a shred of proof!
Besides that, it's too late now.
Even MORE unfortunate, she has chosen to actually STAY with me. ( BOY am I gonna get smacked for the next line... sheesh )
Even **MORE** unfortunate, I'm not sure which one of us is more unfortunate, me because she stayed with me, or her because she stayed with me..
(OH BOY, sorry honey, but you know me. Once I think of it, it has to get written. LOVE YOU! And c'mon, that WAS FUNNY! One of my best lines ever, *I* think anyway... )
To continue with this unfortunate business, she also chose to have two kids with me,
Even worse, in 2025 she's taken the "for worse" part a little bit seriously.
I have:
Broken my ankle.
Had a plate installed. Haha "installed", yeah...
Gotten infected.
In the ankle bone.
On the plate, which is connected to my ankle bone.
Had the plate REMOVED.
As of Oct 6, still have a gaping wound in said ankle. Although, it is gaping LESS now than 2 weeks ago. Yeesh...
And, the poor girl is helping me administer intravenous antibiotics, at home, 3 times a day, every day, for santa only knows how long.
6 Weeks at least.
She even changes my underwear, and bathes me every other day, since, like, July 18th, 2025 ( OK, that part Is In My Dreams. *sigh* One Hopes...)
Onward!
Robert thee 3rd, who is defending the coast of our country, in the United States Coast Guard, and has chosen to abandon helping his ONLY FAMILY during xmas and head to the west coast, CALIFUCKINGFORNIA ( yeah, I get to use the f word here. cause it's funny... )
Could ya get ANY farther away? Yes, but it wouldn't really matter if you were actually in Japan, would it?
At least bring me some decent cigars from south of the equator, would ya? And like, maybe a BOX just for me? Your frikkin DAD? Instead of sharing like, one, single, solitary cigar with the whole family? THAT was not nice...... (OMG, you just KNOW I'm getting into the xmas frikkin spirit when I can write some SHIT LIKE THAT! fuckin hell, that was a GOOD GOD DAMN LAUGH. I kill myself. You wish.... ) lemme wipe my eyes... I gotta say, SOMEtimes, I truly do enjoy writing this drivel.
NICE article here of his actual ship!
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/239-million-cocaine-narco-submarine-offloaded-san-diego-rcna128495
Roberts Girlfriend Heidi. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEEEAASE call her Holly.
She picks on me incessantly. She's a sweet girl, but we just harass each other like mad.
( No, I'm still an asshole. To her and everyone else. I just want to be clear about that, LOL, ROTFLMMFAO, ALAAOY . No, really. IAAA, but funny. I hope.)
2024 UPDATE:
Robert is back on the east coast this year, and actually might be at the farm on weekends!
He actually did get to Japan, as well as Korea, Guam, Hawaii twice, and a couple other places I think.
He actually DID buy himself some nice cigars while he was down in Nicaragua , and even let me have 1 or 2.
2025 UPDATE:
Robert is now in Long Isaland ( yes, Isaland. I mistyped that, and now I'ma gonna keep it!!! Yes, it is now 3 am. )
OK, WTH was I ? Jen, Robert thee 3rd, oh yeah, BOOP
Gretchen is the 2nd child my unfortunate bride had the fortune of bearing. She's a good kid, gets mostly A's in school, and is boring.
Stays in her room , except for school, 27 hours a day. If I catch you leaving plates around, this sentence goes back in...
2024 Update, Gretch is at college at UNE in Maine, and may also be home for TG.
2025 Update, Gretch is at college at UNE in Maine, and may also be home for TG. Yup, boring...
WTH was I?
Oh Yeah, MORE Jennifer.
Jennifer is also the Mrs. Housedorf behind Mrs. Housedorf' Handmade beeswax candles. ( OK, you got me on this one. I don't know where TF the damn apostrophe is SUPPOSED to go for that one. From the style guides I've read, it can apparently be spelled any damn way you want? Mrs. Housedorf', Mrs. Housedorf's, or even Mrs. Housedorfs' , but I must say, Mrs. Housedorf' is the ONLY one that Google isn't underlining as I type. Oh shit, now it changed. Apparently Mrs. Housedorf's is also correct. Depending on what you type after that.
In this situation, I'll give your terrible apostrophe misusing ass an exception... Oh hell, now it let all three versions go. Well, like I said. The style guides aren't completely clear for this situation.)
( Oh, and just in case you think I'm the ONLY ASSHOLE who has a ginormous beef about apostrophe usage, go do some research. I'm actually only middle of the road angry about the misuse..... Imagine That! ) ( I asked ChatGPT what my wife will have to say here, about me being middle-of-the-road, and it laughed at me. Those damn things are getting creepy... ) OMG, I hope no one reads this far, but it'll be great if someone does...... If anyone DOES read this far, and thinks about dancing in the cold moonlight, just remember that I ain't dancing this year. But feel free to REMIND me about dancing, cold moonlight, the Family page, etc, etc. You might need to jog my memory quite a bit. The antibiotics are making me forget shit.
(Oh Jesus Christ, It just highlighted ALL of my apostrophe usage! It's watching me!)
WTF was I babbling on about this time? Hmm, must be time for another drink. BRB...
oh, just on the off chance you see me stumbling around this year, I'm not ACTUALLY drunk at the farm,
much as I'd like to be most days...
I have type 2 diabetes starting this year, and some pretty good numbness in my feet. If I look like I'm gonna fall over, feel free to reach out and keep me from
falling onto your children. I'm still fat, even though I lost 20 pounds. They would get hurt.
Yes, you're right, I SHOULD stop drinking entirely. But then, what would everyone do for comedy on this website?
Have a Merry Everyone!
Or, like Clark, everyone should try to have a Merry... , Or at least find a cutie with that name! ( Yeah, come tell me you got THIS JOKE.... )
OMG, I still have to try to find some place to hide the white-on-white text don't I?
If you're really bored, and like gory pics, come see me, and I'll show you the 20 staples they put in my ankle.
I think they had a special that day..
It was sure as fuck special when they pulled all 20 out. ugh.
yeah, not here.. HA HA