A Million Dollar Voice Gets You Nowhere
A Million Dollar Voice Gets You Nowhere
Graham Dickie
Team Chapnick
Steve Robertson, an erstwhile logger, radio announcer and truck driver, is recovering from a period of depression and financial trouble while living by himself in an apartment block for seniors and disabled people in downtown Maryville, Mo. "I'm not where I want to be, and I'm not where I don't want to be," says Steve, 61, who grew up 40 miles away in Albany and is a seventh-generation northwest Missourian. "I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up."
Steve shares cigarettes and banter with friendly neighbors in his building's parking lot, watches online videos about fixing up junkyard Pontiacs and lunches on catfish and roast beef in his fourth-floor apartment while keeping a two-liter jug of black coffee handy at all times. Despite his diverse work history and earning three college degrees – in music performance, broadcast journalism and information technology – he has weathered periods of homelessness in Kansas City and St. Joseph. "I learned to survive," he says. "I learned to exist. Especially the poorer I got, I learned that I could exist when other people couldn't."
He describes a contentment with a life of quiet. "I'm most at home in the timber for some reason," he says. "My parents had a big timber pasture we called it. It was more timber than pasture. When I was a kid, we'd go camping down in the pasture for fun. Spend a week. There's nobody there to bother you if you don't want. Your friends will come by to visit. You really don’t have anything to worry about.”
Steve Robertson enters his unit inside the Autumn House Apartments in Maryville, Mo. He moved into the apartment building for disabled people a month and a half ago after a stint in a nursing home that resulted from a deep depression. "I've lived a lot of places and done a lot of things," Steve says. "But I always keep coming back to small towns. Big cities – there are just too many people. I guess I had to learn that the hard way."
Steve smokes a cigarette at his home in Maryville. "If I had a face that was suitable for something other than radio I probably could've gotten wealthy in broadcasting," says Steve, whose baritone drawl once made him a well-known local radio host in northwest Missouri. "That's another lifetime. Another lifetime that didn't happen – at least in this universe."
Steve sits on his recliner with his customary two-liter jug of black coffee at his feet.
Steve cuts up roast beef for lunch at home. "I have to use 100 percent of my income to survive," he says. "Luckily I'm in a zero tax bracket. I'm surviving on less than $12,000 a year just because of government housing. Subsidized housing. If it wasn't for that, poor people in this country couldn't exist."
A water-stained calendar of vintage muscle cars designed by his uncle sits on a plastic storage container in Steve’s apartment. Steve’s father owned and operated a gas station in Albany, Mo., where Steve worked when he was younger and learned to fix cars.
Steve returns to his recliner with a catfish fillet as a YouTube video about salvaging vintage cars from junkyards plays on his television.
An empty sidewalk sits outside a window in Steve’s apartment. "You gotta struggle to make life fair," Steve says. "Even the wealthiest of the wealthy have their own struggles to go through. I think that makes for common ground between the wealthy and the poor. So that we can have an intelligent conversation about how to fix everything. Some people just don't want it fixed."
Steve chats with his neighbor, Alice Moring, in the parking lot of the Autumn House Apartments. The two have known each other for close to 38 years and Alice was married to Steve’s second cousin until his death. The building’s parking lot serves as a de facto gathering place for its residents to have a smoke and talk.
A "fairy ring" of mushrooms grows outside the Autumn House Apartments.
Steve prepares to go outside to smoke a cigarette.
Steve counts out his medications at his kitchen counter. He has a long history of depression, first experiencing symptoms his sophomore year of high school. "The doctor told me, 'Suck it up,' he says. 'Wait till you get older. Then you'll know what depression’s really like.'"
Light shines out of the windows of the Autumn House Apartments at night.