THURSDAY, 21ST AUGUST 2025
FILM REVIEW: Primitive War (2025)
“This ain’t no walk in the Park."
Well, no...but let’s not go gettin’ too harsh on ourselves...
The untold story of dinosaurs roaming free amidst the jungles of the Vietnam War!
What we have here, then, is a moderately-budgeted Australians-doing-American-and-other-accents dino opus (with Very Bad Things’ Jeremy Piven; clearly playing the only-required-for-a-few-days-of-shooting role, and curiously sporting one of the less convincing Yankee accents)! Kind of Platoon/Full Metal Jacket/Apocalypse Now meets Aliens/Predator/Starship Troopers...and if that premise doesn’t get you hot-and-bothered, you and I won’t likely make fast friends...
The somewhat more grounded Vietnam War stuff that precedes the vast majority of the dino mayhem is sufficiently solid and gritty; with one shameless foot remaining firmly rooted in the overarching “action” genre (including the cocky soldier who would’a been assayed by Bill Paxton, back in the day; though the soundtrack freely acknowledges its ’60-lovin’ Viet-tropes – with the likes of “Fortunate Son”, “Time Has Come Today” and “Gimme Some Lovin’” receiving generous airtime – alongside a healthy heapin' of colourful, slang-ridden dialogue...you do know who “Victor Charlie” is, don’t you, soldier?)!
It’s definitely a tad lower in the budget department than the Jurassics – evident on all levels, including some of the performances – but for a flick with its comparatively meagre means? It definitely does what it came to do (effects included, some questionable beasts-in-broad-daylight shots aside; and it is considerably bloodier than any J-movie, courtesy of the also-profanity-friendly U.S. “R”-rating). And it’s undoubtedly a horror film, in addition to all else: in fact, if there’s one criticism that could be levelled, it’s that some scenes are a smidgen darker – visually, not tonally! – than you might prefer (to the admitted benefit of the CGI). And talk about your epic fucking endings (more genuinely eventful than a half-dozen Asylum schlockbusters slammed together; some may even say “over-the-top”, though they’re probably just jealous)!*
Quite the can-do “little” film (under ten mill), and a fair wallop of fun in the bargain; a bit B-grade around the edges, but irresistibly spirited. And if you’re curious as to what “type” of dinosaurs we’re dealing with here: these are more consistently on the feathered side than the Jurassics, yet I still wouldn’t expect to see a T-Rex that isn’t solidly modelled on the standard long-since set by that series. And variety of dinos? We got your variety right here, no probs! (The only downside of which is a less-than-tight running time of well-over-two hours, which may’ve benefited from stricter editing; a slight excess of protagonists also arguably inhibiting more delineated human characterisations.)
Finally: the catalyst to all the prehistoric beasties? Let’s just say you shan’t be surprised. But neither are you liable to complain (unless you’re the kind of person who believes that flicks more “original” than this are even a possibility by this stage)!
Verdict: 8/10.
(* And remember, kids: the T-Rex couple that slays together, stays together!!)
THURSDAY, 29TH MAY 2025
FILM REVIEW: Bull Shark (2022)
Bull Shark? More like Bull Shi –
Okay, so it’s not that bad, but let’s just say: I wouldn’t put this at the tippy-tip of your "must-see killer shark movies" list. It’s cliché-ridden as fuck – negligent/corrupt mayor, anyone? – barely bloody, and the shark is one hundred percent frequently-questionable CGI (with the possible exception of the fin).
And why are there multiple scenes of absolute schiezerheads shooting at the water with pistols, in the vain hope they might actually hit something? And the insane heroics during the otherwise highly anticlimactic climax belong in a Meg movie...not a more “intimate” thriller set on an otherwise-humble lake.
And finally: filmmakers? Just ‘cause you have loads of talk and drama, does NOT instantly make you as engaging as Jaws. Just sayin’.
(Taste-free folk rejoice: it has sequels! And all three instalments were free on Tubi when I watched this one: it was like three years’ worth of Christmases come at once!! What a shame I’m such a fucking Grinch.)
Verdict: 5/10.
(PS How many highly improbable reasons can YOU come up with for people to walk/fall/dive into the water?! You’re doin’ pretty darn well if you can come up with more than these people did in the course of eighty-odd minutes...)
MONDAY, 28TH APRIL 2025
FILM REVIEW: Neil Young - Coastal (2025)
Fun fact: I'm really not that huge a Neil Young fan.
Even funner fact: watching Neil Young made me feel positively youthful (cos he's so fecking ancient)!
Not a bad documentary/concert film, any-which-way. Directed by his wife, Splash's Daryl Hannah, no less! (Though the average fan should be warned: apparently he wasn't playing "the hits", and quite stubbornly so. As for me: I wouldn't've minded a few full-blown "band" songs, as just Neil playing on his lonesome gets a mite wearyin' after a while)!!
Verdict: 7/10.
TUESDAY, 27TH AUGUST 2024
FILM REVIEW: The Beast in Heat (1977)
(Also known as SS Hell Camp, SS Experiment Part 2 and Horrifying Experiments of SS Last Days.)
An Italian Nazisploitation flick in which a hairy, horny, cackling dwarf kept in a cage by SS scientists gets to have his lustful way with lots of less-than-willing women. He even, erm...devours bits of their vaginas, when the urge overtakes him...
It's a comedy, of course!
At least...I hope it was meant to be one...
Featuring enough nudity*, bloodletting**, and all-in-a-week's-work third-Reich humiliation and torture to make even Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS blush. “Trash” fans should have a whale of a time; “quality” fans...slightly less so. (At least the people who dubbed the English-language version I viewed sounded like they had fun, taking the piss at every possible opportunity.)
Oh: and the film is severely padded-out by a non-stop plethora of Boy’s Own battle scenes, in which the footage frequently fails to match anything else – gee, I wonder why? – and the action is so relatively bloodless and family-friendly that it could’ve earned a PG rating! Good thing there’s all those close-ups of blood-soaked female pubic regions to straighten that nonsense out...
Verdict: 5/10.
(* Fret not, gals: there's plenty of sexy, jiggling man-flesh on display, too!)
(** This film taught me that men and women die the exact instant that you cut off their penises or shoot them in the vagina. Who said exploitation films couldn't be edumacational?!)
(PS Gotta love any movie that features a brawl-happy priest. And the frequent, unironic use of the word "bumpkin" – at least in the English dub I watched – reeks of an old-world charm that couldn’t help but bring a smile to my own haggard, failing features.)
MONDAY, 1ST JULY 2024
Review Books Update!
So...I just hit 375,000 words on the first of three (?) projected film review books...so I guess this is past the point of no return now, and definitely a thing that's happening!
That said: it's early days still, as I've still got nearly 2000 movies left to watch or rewatch, before entering the epic "editing" phase - possibly the largest part of the whole exercise! - and word-count-wise, I'm probably only a smidgen past the halfway point (this is gonna be longer'n War & Peace)! In any case, I'm HOPING for a shortly-after-2030 release date - with an anticipated reviewing year range of 1960-2029 - so cross fingers, as that's still a pretty hefty ambition...
THURSDAY, 29TH FEBRUARY 2024
FILM REVIEW: Tucker & Dale vs. Evil (2010)
“You want a killer hillbilly…I’ll show you a killer hillbilly!”
When we first meet our protagonists-to-be, they’re presented as the creepy kinda hillbillies who we assume are gonna terrorise our bunch-of-teens-in-a-car who’re on holiday from the Big Smoke. Sure…some of those kids ain’t gonna last so long, but it won’t be our (good ol’) boys doin’ the killin’. As I’ve already said: they’re gonna be our HEROES!
Clever premise for a horror/comedy, eh? But…how well does the rest of the film sustain it?!
First up, our two titular leads – played by Alan Tudyk and Tyler Labine, both pretty new to me – are spot-on. They evoke precisely the right amount of empathy, sympathy, pity – and, yes, menace – when they’re meant to. They definitely “get” their characters, and imbue them with every ounce of potential they have. And when they’re meant to make us laugh – which is often – they hit the bullseye every time there too, without ever veering their characterisations too close to outright caricatures. So…that’s a pretty good start! (And there’s nothing wrong with the rest of the cast, either!!)
Secondly – and here’s a second cunning “twist” to our expectations of the horror genre – it isn’t the kids who are making their way to a creepy, decrepit old cabin in the woods…it’s our boys, who’ve bought the darn place and are fixin’ to fix ‘er up! So if there’s one thing this film is consistently good at, it’s turning genre clichés a little on their heads. That said: bad shit is gonna go down at said cabin, and the kids are gonna get involved in that. But I’m not gonna say how, ‘cause that’s the third clever twist in this perverse little puppy’s tail! And hey: we do need a BODY COUNT, don’t we?! And there’s the fourth thing I’m pleased to report: this film delivers just fine on the horrible-‘n’-gory mayhem front as well…even if it’s a comedy (with a surprising amount of heart!) first and foremost.
Definitely one of the smartest “revisionist” horror films since Scream: a parody/satire that never needs stoop to the level of the Scary Movie movies, and bases almost all its comedy, instead, on misunderstandings and generalisations about what type of people are liable to live where. Without ever being the faintest bit “preachy” about it (miracle of miracles)!* Almost “wholesome”, in its way, yet full of blacker-than-pitch humour which – like all the best such humour – might make you a feel a tad “guilty” for laughing, at times…
Very funny, very clever, and fantastically entertaining. An absolute must-see, unless you truly deplore funny shit in a horror flick. And it truly does sustain its ideas for the entirety of the film; unlike, say, Shawn of the Dead which – sorry, Shawn-lovers – really only has ONE truly clever idea in its arsenal, and struggles to sustain it for the duration.
Oh: and like Shawn, this is also something of a “romantic comedy”, on top of everything else…but I’ll let you find out how for yourselves! (It’s also a movie about the power of "self-esteem"…but seriously…I’ve said enough already…SEE THE FUCKING THING ALREADY!!)
Verdict: 10/10.
(* Alright, I was trying not to get on my soapbox here, but…Hollywood, in recent years, has succumbed to its urge to make big “statements” about, y’know…tolerance versus bigotry, etc. It’s done this not by telling clever, non-preachy parables – like what we have here – but by implementing sometimes extremely forced “diversity casting”, and serving up very black-and-white tales in which the irrefutably “good” beat the living shit out of the inarguably “bad”…all in the name of some alleged “justice”. They tell you what to think, rather than what to feel; while a film like this does a genuinely smart job of making you rethink your stance on whatever prejudiced preconceptions you might have about certain types of people. And it achieves all of this in the guise of a seemingly irreverent black comedy where you laugh and cheer when some relatively innocent person dies a gleefully horrible death! Hollywood: you really could learn something from movies like this. Storytelling is supposed to be an art form; and art forms are supposed to make people THINK. Not shove unsubtle propaganda down their throat that obliges them to think precisely the way that you require them to.)
MONDAY, 2ND OCTOBER 2023
ALBUM REVIEW: Daphne & Celeste Save the World (2018)
Say what you will about the original Daphne & Celeste album, We Didn't Say That!: yes, it was as obnoxious as it gets, but you know what? It was meant to be. And I'm not 100% sure it was even aimed squarely at teenage girls with a disposition toward bullying. It was...an extremely musically eclectic and aurally inventive album which was a pisstake of the relentless obnoxiousness of teenage girls; or, at the very least, that's how I took it. (Though I do feel sorry for any young women who were genuinely hurt by the nasty sentiments in the lyrics! Though, again: I don't believe these were the actual sentiments of anyone involved in the album, and...ah, look, I'm banging my head against a tree here. You either "got" it, or you didn't!)
Anyway: this is the highly belated second Daphne & Celeste album, released nearly twenty years later! And while it has a completely different producer/primary writer - a man, in both cases (remember what I was saying about "pisstake"s?) - it has a comparable sense of fun. Sonically and lyrically, it's a dramatically different beast: while the original album was almost every genre and nationality of music you could think of, siphoned through a strong filter of "dance music", this one is minimalist/quirky synth-pop all the way (almost like a poppier version of Suicide, by way of Captain Beefheart; the latter of whom is covered in the album's finale, "Kandy Korn"). And lyric-wise, we've replaced all those teenage insults and fancies with...well, quirky observations of slightly more "adult" life (though it's still pretty light-hearted stuff, so let's not get carried away)!
On first listen, I really wasn't sure what to make of this one, given my unabashed love for the sheer audacity and creativity of that first album. But to say that it "grew on me" is a bit of an understatement. I'd still champion the original album over this one, for its sheer uniqueness if nothing else, but this is a heck of a sophomore effort considering the complete lack of fanfare and awareness it was released into. Can I guarantee fans of We Didn't Say That! will love this album also? I honestly don't know. But I dig them both, in quite different ways...and it wouldn't surprise me if some people despised one album and loved the other, as they truly are that disparate on the whole.
For my part: just colour me surprised this album even exists, much less that I like it as much as I do. (And let's be honest: a "We Didn't Say That! Part 2" would've been highly inappropriate for a couple of grown-up gals in their thirties. What were they gonna do: hurl childish insults at other grown-up women working in the same OFFICE?!)
Verdict: 8/10.
SUNDAY, 3RD SEPTEMBER 2023
FILM REVIEW: The Incredible Melting Man (1977)
“The First New Horror Creature”!
Not exactly a masterpiece, but a smidgen of fun just the same.
Also: there's not a whole hell of a lot of "melt movies" out there...even if this hardly holds a candle to the mighty Street Trash.
The plot? An astronaut returns to Earth, and needs to feed off human victims to slow his gradual physical disintegration. Don’t bother watching for the sci-fi, though, as it’s incidental at best: just watch for the spectacular gore effects, admittedly gruesome for their time (if considerably tamer now). Academy Award winner Rick (An American Werewolf in London) Baker provides said meltdowns, so you know you’re in pretty good hands where that, at least, is concerned.
Verdict: 7/10.
FRIDAY, 26TH MAY 2023
ALBUM REVIEW: The Offspring - Let the Bad Times Roll (2021)
So, I found myself getting a tiny bit reminiscent recently, and put on The Offspring's smash-hit album of 1994...Smash. Still some really good stuff on there.
Then I realised I'd also bought their latest album, but hadn't listened to it as it was in a small pile of CDs I'd yet to get around to. Hmmmm...I see that Bob (Metallica, Mötley Crüe, Bon Jovi) Rock is the producer...
I'll confess, I haven't checked out the couple of albums before this, but...sad to report, they finally seem to have become the light-hearted pop band they always threatened to become. This is closer to a Green Day album for my dollar, and...well, it's up to you whether you consider that "progress" or not. At least they haven't become Good Charlotte...YET.
Best track: a one-minute thrash-y rendition of classical masterpiece "The Hall of the Mountain King". Second-best track: a ballad cover of their OWN song from 1997, "Gone Away". Draw your own conclusions.
Best thing about the album: it's only thirty-three minutes long. So at least it doesn't overstay its welcome.
Verdict: 7/10.
SATURDAY, 18TH MARCH 2023
FILM REVIEW: Meet Me in the Bathroom (2022)
If you love, or are in any way interested in, early 2000s New York-based bands like The Strokes, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Interpol and LCD Soundsystem...this exceptionally well-made documentary is an absolute must-see.
That's all I have to say today, I'm afraid!
Verdict: 9/10.
THURSDAY, 16TH FEBRUARY 2023
FILM REVIEW: Alien Uprising (2012)
"Soccer Hooligans: The Invasion." A peculiarly "British" alien invasion movie.
Apparently when the aliens come to kill us all, we'll just start punch-ups with one another. And get even more furious when we're unable to see a fight through, ‘cause some cunt just came and broke it up.
Jean-Claude Van Damme’s daughter, “Bianca Bree”, is unlucky enough to play one of our main characters; while Jean-Claude himself also makes an appearance – barely! – in an alien-related subplot that’s completely subordinate to the film’s primary purpose of watchin’ lads be lads (shaggin' hot birds included)! All to the tune of a bargain-basement techno soundtrack guaranteed to make your ears weep.
So if you're in the market for an alien invasion flick in which the most important thing is beatin' up some other bloke who just looked at you funny, THIS IS YOUR MOVIE. Anyone else interested in, like, aliens and stuff...best look elsewhere. (Yes, I do know that human conflict is an important, and often poignant, staple of alien invasion and zombie Apocalypse-style movies – Romero’s Dawn and Day of the Dead being two of my very favourite films of all time, and The War of the Worlds one of my favourite novels! – but this flick seems to have rammed the aliens in as a mere afterthought.)
Fake Brit grit, with bonus extra-terrestrials.
Verdict: 3/10.
(PS There's even a moment where a character blatantly quotes from the celebrated Blade Runner rooftop speech...that nearly made me PUT MY FIST THROUGH MY TV SCREEN. And I'm not a violent person. But this movie, mate...this fookin' movie...)
WEDNESDAY, 25TH JANUARY 2023
ALBUM REVIEW: Six Feet Under - Nightmares of the Decomposed (2020)
Despite being a big Cannibal Corpse fan, I honestly haven't kept up much with original vocalist Chris Barnes' replacement band, Six Feet Under. So what better time to actually buy one of their albums...than the one to debut legendary ex-Cannibal guitarist Jack Owen?
My fairly unbiased opinion...or, at least, the best we can hope for, given the nature of art and music?! It's pretty good. The music, in particular, occasionally meets the heights of greatness that Cannibal so frequently achieves, and the guitar solos are a particular stand-out; though there's sure as shit nothing wrong with the drums or bass, either. The, er, elephant in the room? Chris' vocals, sadly, seem to justify his exclusion from Cannibal decades previous, as he's never better than sufficient here, and occasionally downright embarrassing (though in all fairness: I feel he did his very best Cannibal work on his FINAL album with them, The Bleeding, which remains a rival for my favourite CC album to this very day...so go figure)!
I'm guessing this still isn't a bad place for Six Feet Under newbies to start - presuming Chris' vocals haven't simply deteriorated steadily over the years, which I fear they may have - and hey, it does have Jack. I'll certainly be tracking down all their other albums now, though perhaps in no great rush. This is still quality death metal for my buck - with a particularly groove-based twist, in comparison to Chris and Jack's "old" band - but there's no doubting Barnes' best days are behind him, and unlikely to return given the nature of the guttural vocals he specialises in (though it should be interesting to hear how he and George "Corpsegrinder" Fisher are faring by the time they're in their sixties)!
Verdict: 8/10.
SUNDAY, 15TH JANUARY 2023
ALBUM REVIEW: Kings of Leon - Come Around Sundown (2010)
I quite liked the first two tracks...and I'm not sure what happened after that.
The later lyrics about having a "big old dick" and an "asshole...to sing a song" downright frightened me...and I don't scare easy!
Not-quite-my-favourite-album, from nowhere-near-my-favourite-band. But they have their moments.
Definitely a tad too much "country rock" on this one, for my personal preference. I like 'em more when they get all "alt-rock" on my ass. But each to their own...
Verdict: 7/10.
SATURDAY, 7TH JANUARY 2023
FILM REVIEW: The Requin (2022)
(Also known as From Below; a more “ordinary” title, yes, but at least you don’t have to Google what a fucking “requin” is*!)
An ageing Alicia (Clueless) Silverstone braves choppy CGI waters to battle questionably composited Great White sharks. So you won’t be watching this one for the “glamour”, exactly; but it’s an alright killer shark movie, just the same. And it’s an oddly nice change for such a film to star a fortysomething married couple, as opposed to a bunch of sexy teens/twentysomethings dressed in swimsuits for most of the film’s duration.
Just the same, there’s at least thirty or forty shark movies I’d re-watch before this one: the Vietnamese “overwater bungalow”/”floatel” setting not being unique enough to edge it into genuinely “novel” territory, even if the acting and human drama element is better-than-average for this kind of film.
Verdict: 7/10.
(* SPOILER ALERT: "Requin" means “shark” in French! Which is almost ironic, given how long it takes for the first shark to even show up…)
WEDNESDAY, 21ST DECEMBER 2022
FILM REVIEW: Chronicle (2012)
“With great power comes…”
A found footage film with a definite difference…not least of all the fact that it only somewhat qualifies as a horror film, despite some decidedly dark aspects!
A trio of young dudes suddenly find themselves “blessed” with superhero-like powers, after exploring the wrong mysterious-hole-in-the-ground. But one of them, a nerd with an abusive father and a tendency to attract bullies, might have slightly more sinister intentions than donning outside underwear and “fighting crime”…
It’s good. It’s really good. It knows, for example, that one of the strongest traits of the found footage subgenre is the ability to tell a story very quickly, as “jump cut”-ing all over the place actually works in a way that it rarely does for conventional filmmaking. Which isn’t to say this movie doesn’t give itself room to breathe: when it needs suspense, it does suspense; when it needs exposition, it does exposition. But it certainly doesn’t feel “bloated” in the way that many films of its type do (since most of them are, let’s face it, just forty-minute premises blown out into eighty-minute movies)...
Points, also, for sporting unusually realistic characterisations for a found footage film, i.e. many of the people our main protagonist points his camera at don’t take kindly to the fact! So it’s not your usual thing where other characters, y’know…get used to and accept the camera’s constant presence shortly after clocking it. The dude literally gets beaten up for getting in people’s faces…as would probably happen in real life if you insisted on videoing EVERY SINGLE THING THAT YOU WITNESS, WITHOUT SEEKING THE PERMISSION OF THOSE AROUND YOU…!
The casting is also absolutely fantastic for such a (relatively) low-budget movie: Dane DeHaan, the guy playing the abovementioned “nerd”, perfectly portraying a kind of “darker Peter Parker” – an equal mix of wholesomeness and crippling social awkwardness – making his slow shift toward “the dark side” both believable and evocative of empathy.
Oh, and for anyone who’s thinking this all sounds a bit like a “found footage version of Brightburn”…this film actually come many years beforehand. It also came a year before Afflicted, so again, any similarities there…
Easily one of the best found footage films on the market. And far, far more interesting, for my dollar at least, than most of the gazillion-and-one “straight” superhero movies we’ve all been subjected to for the past couple of decades. Ultimately a meditation on the dark potential in human nature; but if that all sounds a bit “pretentious” to you, just flip me the bird and see it anyway. Chances are you won’t regret it!
Verdict: 9/10.
(PS Okay, so it does push its luck occasionally with the “convenient camera placement” phenomenon – especially toward the end – but it is a found footage film, and still has to contrive these things upon occasion!)
FRIDAY, 9TH DECEMBER 2022
FILM REVIEW: Violent Night (2022)
“Christmas dies tonight!”
Fantastic fucking fun from the director of Dead Snow; the true Bad Santa! Die Hard set in a wealthy family’s mansion, with the real Saint Nick playing the John McClane role. And just like John, he’s a bit of a loveable fuck-up…and just a weeeee bit drunk, from all that house-to-house Xmas eve cheer! Luckily he’s also descended from a violent Viking heritage, from which he’s been trying to redeem himself for several centuries, sooooo…any terrorist-types looking to screw with his Big Night Out had better watch out…
Also just like John, he has himself a sidekick at the end of a walkie-talkie; ‘cept instead of a well-meaning, overweight black cop, he has an adorable young girl who just watched Home Alone for the first time the night before (more bad news for the bad guys)!
Almost every action movie cliché is lovingly parodied…including the funniest “self-repair”/cauterisation-style scene I’ve ever witnessed (Santa sure does know how to improvise)! Oh, and whatever you do: DON’T throw Santa’s magical bottomless sack full of children’s toys into a blazing fireplace! That only makes him madder…
John Leguizamo makes a perfect primary villain – a self-proclaimed “Mr. Scrooge”, with one of the most memorable major villain deaths in action cinema history! – and David Harbour, as Santa, proves that his Ron Perlman-worthy depiction of Hellboy was no mere fluke.
There’s been a lot of debate over the years regarding Die Hard’s status as a “Christmas movie”. Thankfully, the makers of this perversely wholesome flick have found the ideal solution to that dilemma, giving us the best of all worlds: an ultraviolent action flick and a disgustingly wholesome “holiday” film, all in one!
Verdict: 10/10.
FRIDAY, 9TH DECEMBER 2022
FILM REVIEW: The Menu (2022)
A deliciously dark comedy that pulls precisely no punches. And quite the ironic movie to have watched in a “Gold Class” cinema, with dramatically overpriced tickets and food! (Hey: I got the ticket itself for free, thanks to an evacuation incident for Top Gun: Maverick a couple of weeks before…)
If you’ve ever been sceptical about those reality TV cooking shows where the head chef bullies all the subservient wannabes…this is the movie for you! If you’ve ever balked at people speaking highfalutin-ly about…yummy stuff that basically goes in one end and comes out the other…this film is a tasty treat, of the highest order.
Ralph Fiennes is simply sublime as the obsessed master chef with…plans for the wealthy guests who’ve paid good money to be at his island restaurant retreat. I won’t say what those plans are, but I will say: no, it doesn’t involve cannibalism, as you’re probably thinking! Beyond that…well, you’ll just have to see for yourself, won’t you?
All up, it’s very much the “dig” at the rich and the ruling classes. Though it’s also very much about the broken hearts (and, sometimes, minds!) of those who fancy themselves as “artists”; but again, we won’t get into that here.
Oh: and one of the bleakest, yet laugh-out-loud funniest, endings I’ve seen in a film since Very Bad Things. (Kind of unbelievable for a decently budgeted mainstream movie in heavy rotation at the multiplexes, really. Though I suspect I was the only one in the cinema laughing so much, considering how ominously silent the other patrons were!)
Verdict: 10/10.
THURSDAY, 8TH DECEMBER 2022
FILM REVIEW: The Angels - Kickin' Down the Door (2022)
A highly moving documentary about a band I have only mild affection for.
I can't think of a higher recommendation than that, in all honesty.
Verdict: 9/10.
THURSDAY, 8TH DECEMBER 2022
FILM REVIEW: Beyond the Reef (2022)
Well...that was cheesy!
A passable nature documentary, though, if you can put up with our overexuberant host, actress/ "adventuress"/" aspiring mermaid" Shuang Hu – note which part I didn't put in inverted commas! – who I assume is meant to be the "personable" part of the picture (i.e. the "everywoman" we're meant to experience the underwater – and later land-bound – wonders through the eyes of).
Australia's Great Barrier Reef is certainly an astonishing and beautiful place, and honestly...about the only reason to watch this film. (That said, and for the record: any time a film crew wants to pay me good money to giddily gab at the camera about the majestic series of dives I just took at their expense...I'll do my best to fit said vacation-away-from-it-all into my oh-so-busy schedule!)
...
I definitely could've done without the tedious "cooking" segments, though.
Verdict: 5/10 (minus 1 if you don't see it at the cinema, where it was definitely meant to be seen; on the smaller screen it'd all be a bit boring, methinks...especially since there's NOT A SINGLE SHARK to be seen, damn you all)!
WEDNESDAY, 30TH NOVEMBER 2022
FILM REVIEW: On the Line (2022)
In some ways, a more action-oriented “remake” of Oliver Stone’s Talk Radio…though this is arguably the more interesting film, even if it might challenge the “suspension of disbelief” of some viewers by the final Act.
Personally, I’m not a huge fan of “plot twists”, yet aside from some small reservations – not so much “plot holes”, as things that push their luck a little! – I honestly think this has one of the more creditable series of such curveballs that I’ve seen in a movie in recent decades. For once, said twists seem to exist not just to dazzle the audience, but to be a genuine part of the film’s plot and themes (Saw, I’m looking you dead in the eye, and I’m still demanding you explain yourself after all these years)!
The acting is uniformly excellent – not least of all Mel Gibson in a career-point-appropriate role as a controversial, loose-lipped “shock jock” radio DJ – and the script, on the whole, is pretty smart (if not without its shortcomings). The direction is consistently taut and tense, as it should be in a suspense-oriented thriller of this nature.
The antagonist is, admittedly, a tad on the quippy side to be completely believable as an “unstable” madman. But hey: this is still a piece of Hollywood entertainment, innit?!
Ultimately, though, the biggest criticism I can make is: this isn’t a film that will stand up to several repeat viewings. Obviously, perhaps, given how central the “plot twist” thing is to its very existence. And in fact: spoilers or no, I’ve already said too much, as you’ll clearly be looking for said rug-pullers now, rather than simply watching it as innocently as I had the pleasure of doing when I watched it on a whim at the local multiplex.
So do yourself a favour, and just see it. And hate me later, should you find the film’s bolder ideas a bit of a stretch for your own sensibility. (This is certainly a film that takes some narrative risks, and is bound to piss a few people off in the process. Me, I kind of admire a film that takes a sizeable gamble and pulls it off, if only by the skin of its teeth!)
Verdict: 8/10.
MONDAY, 14TH NOVEMBER 2022
FILM REVIEW: The House by the Cemetery (1981)
I’m not sure how to recommend this film to those who aren’t already in love with it.
Is it a notably amazing story, or particularly well-written? Not really. Does it make a great deal of “sense”, especially once removed from the nightmare logic that informs all of Lucio Fulci’s best work? Probably not. Is it amazingly atmospheric and utterly hypnotic, despite not much of anything really happening and the gore effects being kind of heavy-handed to say the least while the acting is decidedly variable and made all the more surreal by that thing the Italians often did where the actors spoke English “phonetically” before being dubbed by actual English speakers at a later date?
Yes.
I won’t be able to convince you this is great filmmaking, so I won’t bother trying. All I can say is: prepare yourself for something outside of the norm that Hollywood has drilled into your skull – no, this isn’t that Fulci film, but it’s comparably blood-soaked! – and watch it late at night, when its visceral eeriness can best take hold. And all I’ll say about the plot is: no, it doesn’t concern “zombies” as you might expect…though it sorta-kinda does (albeit just the one)!
When all is said and done, you either “get” Fulci…or you’re a philistine. I’ve said my piece.
Verdict: 9/10.
(PS Yes, the kid’s incredibly annoying, but that’s all kids are good for anyway!)
MONDAY, 24TH OCTOBER 2022
FILM REVIEW: Fall (2022)
Maybe not everyone’s precise notion of a “horror” film…but certainly one of the scariest movies I’ve ever seen! (Especially in a cinema, which I decided to do ‘cause I knew I had a deathly fear of heights, so only a big screen would do the darned thing justice…hoo boy, was I gonna regret THAT decision…!)
The opening scene is every bit as effective as its equivalent in Cliffhanger; and full points for then fast-forwarding ten months to a scene of not a dude drinking himself into a premature grave, but a twentysomething girl (something we don’t get to see too often in the movies; in reality, maybe more so)…
I won’t lie, though: I wanted to slap the two main characters silly for most of the movie. Kids: if you watch someone die in a spectacular falling incident, you don’t need to go climbing something even more deadly to “prove a point” to yourself. Go…make a movie or something! It’s a huge risk and an enormous challenge, but at least you won’t perish in the same senseless way your loved one did not even a year prior. Just sayin’!
That minor quibble aside, it’s extraordinarily well-made, written and performed, but not the kind of movie I’m gonna watch a bunch more times before I die. It’s a pretty big “nope” from me on a personal level, but two thumbs well up from a filmmaking perspective (hence the generous Verdict below). Me: I could barely even look at the fucking screen for half of this movie, and nearly walked out of the cinema more than once…which I never, ever do! It was that stressful for me (to the film’s profound credit, of course)!
Give me a real-life situation like the one faced by the two female characters in, say, Black Water, any day, over the idiotic predicament the two gals find themselves in in this flick. Even the prospect of swimming through crocodile-infested waters beats the heck out of a sheer drop to assured death. Not only will you NOT find me climbing a 2,000-foot-tall radio tower…you won’t even get me into one of those indoor rock-climbing facilities. Not even on the ground, ‘cause I don’t wanna watch YOU fall and break your silly neck either.
My feet happen to like terra firma, and PS: fuck those fucking vultures. Fellow acrophobes: you’ve been warned!
Verdict: 9/10.
MONDAY, 24TH OCTOBER 2022
ALBUM REVIEW: Pixies - Doggerel (2022)
The kind of album I forget about almost the second I put it on.
Fine for background "muzak", but sad to say Pixies have turned into little more than a perfectly alright Frank Black cover band. (And I'm one of the few people who rather liked Indie Cindy!)
Shame, but one can't bemoan those with a legendary legacy still wanting to write and record new material. This certainly isn't the sound of a band "selling out"; but, rather, the sound of a band settling into their own comfort zone and refusing to budge one inch outside of it.
Verdict: 6/10.
FRIDAY, 22ND SEPTEMBER 2022
Time to expand (just a little)!
So, I've decided to expand the boundaries of this blog - just the teensiest, tiniest bit! - and throw in the occasional album review (i.e. music)! Mostly 'cause I like writing 'em, and Metacritic seems kinda dead these days, so...
Watch this space!
SATURDAY, 20TH AUGUST 2022
FILM REVIEW: Tomb Raider (2018)
The early scenes of this reboot film are somewhat cringe-inducing: effortlessly cool Lara Croft reduced to a try-hard cool "millennial" with appalling taste in music. She even cheats in a for-money and on-the-streets bike race on the streets of London that would, in reality, have injured or killed several innocent bystanders. Not off to the most sympathetic of starts, for the character or the movie (at least not in my book)!
Fortunately, things pick up substantially after we leave these early urban environments, and in no time we're launched into a suitably rollicking Indiana Jones-esque adventure with the odd moment of iffy CGI. It's a very decent ride just the same – if more than a mite predictable – and probably about as good as the first Angelina Jolie Tomb Raider movie, and definitely better than the second, so...a perfectly solid modern blockbuster, even if it's barely a patch on Raiders of the Lost Ark. (Hell: even the Brendan Fraser version of The Mummy ain't THAT good!)
Verdict: 8/10.
SATURDAY, 20TH AUGUST 2022
FILM REVIEW: Lara Croft - Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life (2003)
Somehow, the fun of the first didn’t translate over to this one, despite Ms Jolie, Noah Taylor and Chris Barrie returning in their roles…and the generally reliable Jan (Twister) De Bont commandeering the director’s chair (most days I prefer him to series predecessor Simon West, but alas, Jan must’ve been having an off day)…
Sure it’s all very globe-hopping, and goes some places we didn’t go the first time – like well under water, with (wo)man-eating sharks! – yet whatever it tries to excite us – including making Ms Croft’s nipples even more fabric-resistant than the first time – falls relatively flat. Of course there’s some “cool” moments, but it would take unfathomable levels of incompetence to not milk a tiny bit of amusement out of an almost 100 million dollar budget (that said: an “epic” scene parachuting – sorry, “wingsuiting” – over Hong Kong is all very nice and tourist-y, but deathly dull from an action/adventure standpoint).
There are innumerable worse ways you could spend your time…but then again, there’s tonnes of better ones (including playing the games themselves). By all means, if you’re a Lara fan and/or the type of person who feels compelled to see every single big budget action blockbuster made since Spielberg became a household name…see it. But this is by far the weakest of the three Tomb Raider films to date for my dollar, and given how many movies there presently are on this Earth…I probably won’t watch it a great many more times before I shuffle off this mortal coil (in fact: the two times I’ve already seen it is probably quite enough)!
Verdict: 7/10.
SATURDAY, 20TH AUGUST 2022
FILM REVIEW: Lara Croft - Tomb Raider (2001)
A very fun if relatively brainless action/adventure movie in the Indiana Jones mold, based of course off the very famous video game franchise.
The story is merely acceptable – y’know, Illumaniti, sparring archaeologists, epic ancient contraptions, that kind of thing – but visually this film does what few video game adaptations manage: it actually looks and feels quite a bit like the games, especially where the inspired casting of Angelina Jolie as Ms Croft is concerned. Add some fun supporting roles from the likes of Australian uber-nerd Noah Taylor and Red Dwarf’s Chris Barrie – I’m always a sucker for a stoic, stuffy butler with a shotgun! – and you have a perfectly amiable blockbuster that, for once, isn’t entirely insulting to the fans of the intellectual property it’s based off.
(My biggest criticism is that some of the CGI has aged unflatteringly; Ms Croft’s frequently bouncing bust, on the other hand, is substantially more convincing, and provides complimentary eye candy for the audience this is mainly aimed at.)
Verdict: 8/10.
SUNDAY, 3RD JULY 2022
FILM REVIEW: Antlers (2021)
An intelligently written and immaculately directed latter-day monster movie, that’s pretty much a must-see for anyone who likes their horror dark and honest.
I won’t say much more than that, as it’s best entered knowing as little as possible. Not that you should anticipate having your mind blown out of every orifice: just expect the equivalent of an absolutely top-rate X-Files episode, i.e. a horrifying story that pulls no punches with either the fantasy element or the more realistic elements of its narrative.
I’ve probably said too much already. Just watch it, alright?! (Look closely enough, and you may even spot a thinly-veiled – though not heavy-handed – “social theme” at its core…)
Verdict: 9/10.
THURSDAY, 23RD JUNE 2022
FILM REVIEW: Ghostbusters - Answer the Call (2016)
Someone thought it made sense to reboot the Ghostbusters franchise with all-female protagonists…
Sigh, alright: so I didn’t hate this one nearly as much as I expected to, or as much as others seem to. Though it’s certainly the weakest Ghostbusters up to this point.
I mean, it does have some of the expected traits of a “female comedy”: most of the men are jerks or losers – except for the “hunky” (if supremely stupid!) Chris Hemsworth, who of course sends the gals gaga – and the ‘busters themselves are painfully exuberant at times (while a lot of the humour in the original films comes from how dry the characters are). But most of what made the first film successful is still here, albeit in slightly diluted form; heck, some of the scenes with the ghosts are arguably a tad spookier than in the original. The opening sequence is especially effective in this regard, so credit where credit’s due. And the blink-and-you’ll-miss-‘em cameos from the cast of the original GBs are a fun little bonus.
There’s definitely one or two “bodily function” jokes too many, but on the whole this is a sufficiently entertaining package. Lower your expectations, but don’t expect a film so ill-advised that you wonder how it got made in the first place (though it is a tad hard to see where that nearly-one-hundred-and-fifty-million-dollar budget went; and at nearly two hours, the film assuredly overstays its welcome).
Verdict: 7/10.
THURSDAY, 9TH JUNE 2022
FILM REVIEW: The Untouchables (1987)
A bloody good (and quite bloody, by ‘80s Hollywood standards!) gangster movie.
Sure, it’s a tad melodramatic at times, and takes more than a little liberty with the actual Al Capone/Eliot Ness story; but it’s highly entertaining, and impressively suspenseful when it wants to be (the “baby on the stairs” bit is justifiably iconic). In many ways, it’s a typical Brian De Palma film – constantly walking a thin tightrope between artful filmmaking and exploitative spectacle – despite being by far the most “mainstream” thing he’s ever done. And like all De Palma films, it’s far from perfect…but it’s easily one of his best.
De Palma has never quite lived up to the “modern day Hitchcock” throne that he set for himself, but he comes mighty close at times. And Robert De Niro is, suffice it to say, drop-dead perfect as badder-than-bad guy Capone. (The Ennio Morricone score is also exceedingly cool, if a touch inappropriate in parts.)
Verdict: 9/10.
TUESDAY, 7TH JUNE 2022
FILM REVIEW: Ali G Indahouse (2002)
So it’s no Borat, and is about as cringey as “cringe comedies” get, but it’s pretty consistently funny from start to finish…even if it (inevitably) loses some steam by the end.
White wannabe rapper Ali G is an undeniably funny character, and Sasha Baron Cohen is a top-shelf comedian…who isn’t afraid to scrape the bottom of the barrel at times (definitely don’t watch this one with your Mum, unless she delights in constant humorous references to “punanis” and other bodily parts)! It’s fun, it’s dumb, and it certainly didn’t deserve any Academy Awards…though that shit is well-rigged anyway, so who cares?
An obvious must-see for Baron Cohen fans, even if I’d unhesitatingly show Borat to a non-fan first (the “mock documentary” schtick honestly works better for characters like this than a straightforward narrative structure; and the plot of this one is about as conservatively structured as comedies get).
Good for a solid laff or two, at least. And Charles Dance is fucking excellent, as always.
Verdict: 8/10.
THURSDAY, 26TH MAY 2022
Some potentially exciting news!
After years of merely talking about the possibility - and myself acting as an occasional advisor/supporter/friend in regard to his recent work - it seems like myself and video game developer Tonguc Bodur may be working on another full-blown project together! No definite details yet, but it's looking likely at the time of this writing...more news soon, with a little luck...
WEDNESDAY, 11TH MAY 2022
FILM REVIEW: Ninja Assassin (2009)
Talk about fast-paced! This film boasts as many action and exposition scenes in its first twenty minutes as most action flicks have in the first forty-five. And it doesn’t let up from there.
It’s also very gory, and even a wee bit spooky in its depiction of the “shadow warriors”; making it of definite interest to horror fans as well. Martial arts-oriented movies don’t get much better than this, for my buck.
Verdict: 9/10.
WEDNESDAY, 11TH MAY 2022
FILM REVIEW: The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent (2022)
A wonderfully entertaining caper with Nicholas Cage playing...Nicholas Cage, actor (and unofficial CIA operative)!
Quite a hoot, and surprisingly moving right at the end. An easy recommend.
Verdict: 9/10.
WEDNESDAY, 11TH MAY 2022
"Review Books" Update
So...in typical "me" fashion, the three review books I had roughly planned have somehow blossomed into...five review books! Including a horror video game guide (the other four, still film guides).
No need to worry about me and my sanity. We were never very close companions to begin with...
WEDNESDAY, 6TH APRIL 2022
FILM REVIEW: Planet Dune (2021)
Quite how they got away with this title – in the same year as the much-advertised mega-mainstream Dune reboot, no less – is anyone’s guess. But you can’t blame ‘em for trying their luck...
My oh my, how far Sean Young has "come" since co-starring in the legendary Blade Runner (and, er, David Lynch’s Dune). I guess even actors have to eat...and at least her teeth haven't aged much (we certainly get to see plenty of ‘em, given how much of her trademark gritting she does)!
The effects are actually quite good, all things considered, and it's not an entirely un-entertaining romp on the whole. Treat it with all the "respect" that a title/premise like this deserves - yes, it's basically C-grade Tremors in space! - and it will treat you in kind. Enter with higher expectations than that, and you only have yourself to blame.
Verdict: 6/10.
SUNDAY, 30TH JANUARY 2022
FILM REVIEW: Nobody (2021)
The writer of John Wick delivers again!
Despite such obvious comparisons, it’s probably wiser to think of this as a blackly comical variant on the likes of the Death Wish films…albeit in a more modern, over-the-top style. The first full-blown action scene of this film had me laughing with sheer fucked-up delight for several minutes; like watching my first John Woo movie all over again!
The one small edge this film does have over the Wick franchise: the casting of a genuinely excellent actor in the lead role. A fact that’s vital to the film’s success, as our protagonist is trying even harder than John to live a life more ordinary – despite his dubious past – and watching Bob Odenkirk slowly transform from well-adjusted family man into the ultraviolent force of nature he was always meant to be is a cathartic joy to behold.
Add in some super-fun supporting roles from the likes of Christopher Lloyd and Michael Ironside, and one of the most memorably sociopathic villains in recent decades – a positively revelatory Aleksei Serebryakov, new to my personal radar! – and you have one of the must-see action movies of the twenty-first century. Don’t forget to bring your sense of humour as well, though; and a wee bit of suspension of belief probably wouldn’t hurt, either.
Verdict: 10/10.
MONDAY, 3RD JANUARY 2022
FILM REVIEW: Don't Breathe (2016)
An ingeniously written, flawlessly directed horror/suspense film that succeeds despite the rarest of qualities: there’s nary a sympathetic character to be found throughout!
Three young thieves invade the home of a sightless war veteran with the intent of robbing him…well, blind! For the entirety of the film, we’re not sure whether to barrack for the kids or the old man...though to be honest, I was mostly on the blind guy’s side, even if revelations late in the film do depict him in a slightly more sinister light. And that’s where this film excels: it’s full of twists and turns, without ever succumbing to the excess and silliness of, say, the Saw franchise.
An absolutely top-rate contemporary horror film, but do be warned: it pulls no punches, and provides no easy medicines to help it all go down.
Verdict: 10/10.
SATURDAY, 18TH DECEMBER 2021
FILM REVIEW: Resident Evil - Welcome to Raccoon City (2021)
Some curious casting decisions and dramatic character changes aside, this is easily the most faithful (and best!) Resident Evil adaptation to date.
I’m still not convinced video game “plots” make a great deal of sense in movies – and trust me, I’ve been a huge RE fan since the first two PlayStation 1 games (which this is mostly based off, with steals from several other instalments) – but at least this film understands that simply aping the action elements and cardboard heroics of a game doesn’t translate into quality cinema. It even gives the character of Leon – who physically bears more resemblance to the game character of Carlos! – a decent-sized character arc, allowing him to transform from slacker coward to kick-ass super-cop throughout the course of the story; something action-oriented video games generally can’t afford to do.
A decided step in the right direction, and a pretty satisfying zombie/monster movie in its own right. And as a bonus: long-term fans will likely holler with joy at the “secret epilogue” embedded in the end credits, suggesting as it does an even more game-loyal sequel...
Verdict: 8/10.
SUNDAY, 28TH NOVEMBER 2021
FILM REVIEW: Jaws - The Revenge (1987)
Yes, you read that title right. And yes, it is a shark that’s out for the titular revenge.
Orca: The Killer Whale did it better; though this film isn’t quite as bad as its reputation suggests. It’s mostly mediocre, and more than a wee bit “dumb”…but it’s vaguely watchable. It does feature a giant shark, after all, and Michael Caine is an obvious boon to any cast! Roy Scheider, on the other hand, was wise enough to sit these last two films out; even if his on-screen wife, Lorraine Gary, wasn’t…
Actually, it’s the quality of the acting and dialogue that carry this one. Pretend that it’s a whimsical comedy-drama and ignore the shitty shark bits, and you may have a passable time. (That said: this entry did, mercifully, kill off the flailing franchise for good – possible reboots aside – so we should all praise the Lord for small mercies.)
Verdict: 5/10.
SUNDAY, 28TH NOVEMBER 2021
FILM REVIEW: Jaws 3-D (1983)
Not nearly as bad as the title suggests, but still a significant dive down from Jaws 2.
At the very least it has an interesting setting – a SeaWorld marine park! – and has its “moments” besides; though the 3-D aspect is typically tawdry, and utterly unsatisfying once the film is adapted into 2D (some of the underwater scenes almost look like a cheaply-shot sci-fi TV show from the ‘60s, they’re that shocking)!
Decidedly better than the fourth film in the series, though that’s possibly not saying much…
Verdict: 7/10.
SUNDAY, 28TH NOVEMBER 2021
FILM REVIEW: Jaws 2 (1978)
A much, much better sequel than you’d expect.
Sure: it’s inferior to its predecessor – and dumber, by need of sequelitis (another giant shark visits the same peaceful seaside community, the same mayor is still in chronic denial about the danger he enabled last time, etc etc) – but that’s all par for the course. The climax is especially nail-biting and satisfying in its own right, and we all might’ve been happier if they’d just ended the franchise here.
Verdict: 9/10.
SUNDAY, 28TH NOVEMBER 2021
FILM REVIEW: Jaws (1975)
Not only the greatest “killer shark” movie that’s ever liable to be made, but one of the very, very best monster movies, period.
Sure, the practical shark is a tad clunky by modern standards, but no amount of slick CGI has bested this overall film and its wonderfully charismatic lead characters. A film that launched a thousand imitations and quite a few sequels, none of which have been able to fully recapture its magic (the fact that this is a bona fide “boy’s own adventure” movie for its second half doesn’t hurt matters, either).
Verdict: 10/10.
SATURDAY, 27TH NOVEMBER 2021
FILM REVIEW: Bait (2012)
Some utterly cringeworthy CGI effects do this killer shark movie no favours.
Neither do the piss-boring characters or the bland-as-buggery dialogue. (And what’s with all the can’t-decide-if-they’re-American-or-Australian accents?!)
There’s a lot of better monster movies out there. Essential viewing for killer shark thriller enthusiasts only (though the setting of a flooded grocery store is at least novel, and there are a few half-decent moments of suspense and/or gore). Oh, and it was initially shot and released as a 3D movie, so expect lots of silly shots that look even sillier when not viewed in 3D.
Verdict: 7/10.
FRIDAY, 26TH NOVEMBER 2021
FILM REVIEW: The Reef (2010)
A superior killer shark thriller, possibly bested only by the mighty Jaws. And it’s Australian, too! (Nothing less than a miracle, given the “cultural cringe” I tend to have towards my own nation’s filmmaking efforts.)
Less is definitely more in this case, as it’s a long time before we even see a shark. But this film knows how to tease the possibility endlessly, and doesn’t disappoint when the action finally begins. Infinitely more believable characterisations than, say, Great White – also Australian – don’t hurt either. It’s very easy to put yourself in the wetsuits of the protagonists and feel their fear, while acknowledging that it’s mainly bad luck that’s landed them in the predicament in the first place (as opposed to that oldest of horror/thriller cliches, the “I’m a cocky idiot and probably deserve to die” syndrome).
Maybe not a film you can watch tonnes of times, but well worth at least a single viewing.
Verdict: 9/10.
THURSDAY, 25TH NOVEMBER 2021
FILM REVIEW: Great White (2021)
An Australian killer shark movie that’s easily adequate, but far from the best of its sub-genre.
Some rather nice cinematography almost makes up for the heavy-handed characterisation, including boatloads of gratuitous interpersonal conflict. (It’s a bit hard to take a film seriously when a guy ends up falling from the safety of a life-raft literally because of a “don’t look at my wife that way!”-style confrontation!) And you can pretty much guess which characters are going to die, in what order, from the outset.
Sufficient entertainment, but only “essential” if you’re as big a fan of shark thrillers as Yours Truly. Even those lusting after a specifically Aussie experience should seek out The Reef first.
Verdict: 7/10.
WEDNESDAY, 13TH OCTOBER 2021
FILM REVIEW: Starman (1984)
Not John Carpenter’s best, but a surprisingly excellent sci-fi/romance movie just the same (indeed, easily one of the best of its kind, given how few such films exist)!
Some extremely dated effects aside, this film basically does everything it’s meant to: you barrack for the alien visitor to make it “home” alive; you smile as the alien and the human woman slowly fall in love; you cry when the alien and woman are forced to part company. All the ingredients for a perfect romance movie of any description, in other words (romance stories generally SUCK unless someone dies or departs…see the monumental success of James Cameron’s Titanic for an especially famous example)!
I remember being quite fond of this one as a lad, didn’t watch it for decades…and was pleasantly surprised to see how well it still holds up. Carpenter has expressed a lot of frustration in the years since about his big-budget years, but that didn’t seem to stop him from making some very good films (including his arguable masterwork, The Thing) during that brief era.
Old Johnno was definitely on a roll from the mid-‘70s through late-‘80s; at least for my buck. And Jeff Bridges was furthermore fully deserving of his Academy Award nomination for Best Actor on this flick (a rare honour for science-fiction films, especially back in those highly unenlightened, super-snobby days)!
A minor classic, and still quite unique in its way; even if it has undeniable similarities to The Man Who Fell to Earth (which it arguably plays like a more mainstream version of).
Verdict: 9/10.
SATURDAY, 2ND OCTOBER 2021
FILM REVIEW: The Dyatlov Pass Incident (aka "Devil's Pass") (2013)
While the original, real-life “incident” itself lends itself well to such a premise, there’s no denying this film owes a whooooole lot to The Blair Witch Project. Almost beat-for-beat the first two-thirds of this movie feels like déjà vu to anyone who’s seen that earlier “found footage” film – the fictional film crew even being led by a young, driven, mouthy female student with a name that begins with the letter “H”! – which might account for how a movie directed by someone as well-established as Renny Harlin (A Nightmare on Elm Street 4, Cliffhanger, Deep Blue Sea) quickly sunk without trace from the public radar.
But let’s judge the film on its own merits. First up, as one might expect, the biggest perk of having a highly established director at the helm is a slightly inflated budget in comparison to the no-dough likes of Blair Witch. The snow stuff is all conveyed pretty convincingly, so it’s a tad more fresh than a bunch of kids lost in the woods. Beyond that, though…Blair Witch remains the more fresh-feeling of the two films, even if it didn’t quite invent the “found footage” sub-genre (Cannibal Holocaust being a highly significant and much earlier horror movie that springs to mind).
This whole film just seems a bit “done” before, despite the relative rarity of its setting. It probably didn’t help that I played a couple of video games with a similar theme before watching, so for me at least, almost every step of the journey seemed quite predictable. It also bears more than a passing resemblance to a number of X-Files episodes, so…yeah. That said: any X-Files fans out there will probably find this worthy of at least a single watch (though probably just the one).
There’s better found footage films, and there’s worse ones; it’s up to you if that sounds like a “recommendation” or not. When all is said and done, perhaps this film’s biggest “flaw” is that it came too late in this particular pop-cultural “cycle” to make much impact…in a sub-genre that probably didn’t have much longevity to begin with (that, and an absurd overreliance on CG effects in the final reel, when some practical makeup FX may have served the tone better).
Verdict: 7/10.
SATURDAY, 2ND OCTOBER 2021
Greetings and Salutations!
So: I thought I should have a blog on this site, but wasn't quite sure what it should be "about"...
...And I'm still not sure what it should be "about"! Or more to the point: I think it should be about a variety of subjects. But to kick things off, I figured I might throw up some short film reviews.
This would be because: a. I'm writing a few film review books as we speak (very long works-in-progress!), and b. this seemed like a nice link to my Instagram account, where I've started putting up some super-short movie reviews accompanied by images of my goofy face holding up a Blu-Ray case. So basically: I'll put the slightly longer reviews up here, and keep my ramblings short 'n' sweet over on that other platform.
Sound good? Sounds doable, to me, and that's always a good start in MY book!
Here goes nothin'...
(Photography Copyright © Michael Bowser.)