Ed Minderlein

FROM BOYHOOD DREAM TO MANHOOD REALITY

Reverend Edward Minderlein

“To be or not to be”. For me it was always to be a priest, never not—as early as age four. First there was a fascination with the stained glass, incense, organ music, vestments, and the Mass which fueled my fascination. Awe towards nuns, brothers, and priests was there from the beginning as well. And there was always a sense of God’s presence-vague at first and always mysterious. The idea became a desire that grew when I became an Altar Boy, creating an altar and vestments in the basement - role-playing and imagining myself as priest. At age 11, I was asked during an interview on a Kid’s T.V. show what I wanted to be when I grew up. Without hesitation I answered “a priest.” Not long after, a visiting priest from the Religious Order which staffed my home parish gave a talk to my 7^th grade class about his missionary experiences in Brazil. A brochure featuring pictures of a priest in habit riding a horse through a tropical forest , “bringing God” to poor uneducated people seized my imagination to the point where I finally wrote the Vocation Director asking for admittance into the Order’s Junior Seminary. In late August 1957, about to turn age 14, I boarded a train en route to the Junior Seminary 400 miles from my home and family.

During that 13 year trek through Seminary and Novitiate my goal of priesthood was especially challenged and put to the test during two separate prolonged periods when I thought about leaving and by the non-ending exodus of classmates and friends who decided Religious Life was not for them. My 1957 entrance class of 87 boys dwindled down to 10 of us who ultimately knelt to receive Priestly Ordination through the imposition of hands by New York’s Cardinal Cooke on June 22, 1969.

Like an editor who repeatedly cuts and pastes and a sculptor who must continually chip away and polish his work, I was constantly challenged to reevaluate and alter my concept of priesthood both during those formative years and after. The two pivotal moments which most impacted and shaped my ideal of priesthood was the paradigm shift caused by the events surrounding the Second Vatican Council and the Civil Rights Movement. My spirit was inspired and fired up by both events - by the prospects of change, progress, justice, equality, unity… Not only was change possible, it was indispensible—even for the Church. Especially for the Church! Also, not lost on me was the relentless resistance and opposition to change and the prolonged struggle needed to bring about a “new heaven and a new earth” often at the price of the ultimate sacrifice (e.g. Ghandi, Martin Luther King, and later, Pope John Paul I (Albino Luciani) Oscar Romero along with countless others).

Needless to say, when I left the shelter of Seminary for my first parish assignment in New York’s South Bronx in September 1970, my ideals were immediately put to the test like feet put to the fire. The young priest already at the parish, whom I was sent to support, was already nearing burnout after two years of opposition and putdowns from those in Community who opposed his “modern ideas.” This opposition paved the way for him to forge a close relationship with an idealistic young nun. To “save his vocation” he was transferred to the missions barely two weeks after I first arrived. With him gone it was now my turn to survive and withstand burnout. I was 26 at the time and the next youngest priest besides me was a 49 year old who had already burnt out in the missions many years prior. My saving grace at my first assignment was the presence and support of two elderly retired priests who encouraged me all they could with the exception of their negative views of the changes implemented by Vatican II. The pastor/rector was my biggest supporter. He had always been a prayerful man, dedicated to people, and open to the Vatican Council. The latter of these qualities earned him the continual criticism and ire of most of the Community. Despite the presence of 12 priests at that parish, only about 3 were really active pastorally.

Like the young priest to whom I was to lend moral support, my stay at my first assignment lasted just two years. My progress in learning Spanish in order to better minister to the parish’s large Hispanic population led to my being recruited for the Puerto Rican Missions. I promptly accepted and began my Puerto Rican ministry in one of the 13 parishes staffed by my Religious Order on that Island.

Adjusting to a new culture and new language was stressful yet was more than counter-balanced by the presence in the vicinity of priests my age and by the inherent hospitality and warmth of the people. The reality of difficulties associated with Mandatory Celibacy reared its ugly head for me early on in my first Puerto Rican assignment. Along with the two other young priests in my community, I was made aware by parishioners and by our own observation that our rector/pastor appeared to be involved romantic-ally with a young woman in the parish. We decided to bring this situation to the rector’s attention. Not surprisingly, his reaction was angry and swift. He called each of us individually into his office to tell us that it was none of our business and we had overstepped our bounds. Within two months I was transferred out to another parish.

My ministry in Puerto Rico lasted from 1972 to 1986. During that time I forged many close bonds with many wonderful people –mostly all country people (campesinos). Their simple faith was admirable yet, oftentimes, frustrating since superstition and entrenched, outmoded notions of God presented obstacles to advancing the Evangelization initiated by the Second Vatican Council. While many hungered for a deeper experience of God, most remained fixated on the externals of Popular Religious practice and magical notions of what the Sacraments were for. In many instances baptism was requested to ward off sickness and evil influences in the child; marriage, to guarantee the marriage would last and to legitimize pregnancies; and anointing of the dying and funerals, to insure that loved ones were saved. The priest was often expected to work miracles. Our doorbell often rang at all hours of the day and night, every day, including Christmas Day, with requests to travel out to the country to heal a comatose family member, bring about a change of heart in wayward youths and alcoholic husbands, or to intervene in a family argument. Most people took for granted that the priest was there to “do it for them” not realizing that, eventually, each person was responsible to learn how to “do it for themselves.” These exaggerated expectations, along with my own deep longing for closer companionship –not satisfied by Religious community- led to at least five prolonged periods of fatigue which required me to take time off to recover.

Among my fondest memories of Puerto Rico was my work with High School and College youth in the parish, Marriage Encounter couples, and sharing the Christmas Holidays with families. These three separate experiences, more than any other, drove home to me that, while I was sharing these “relationship- moments” with the people, they were their moments, not mine. The youth exploring relationships in order to find their special someone was something that I could only appreciate from a distance, not having the liberty to pursue them for myself. The same for Marriage Encounter: I witnessed from a distance the couples’ efforts to deepen their relationship with their spouse while I was only able to consider the ephemeral concept of “the people of God” as my spouse. Sharing meals with families, especially on holidays, only made me realize all the more profoundly that I was there with the family yet not really a part of it. Others had spouses while I did not and could not. They had children while I could not. While I appreciated greatly these families’ hospitality and affection in inviting me to share with them, I only felt more deeply the bittersweet reality that I was on the outside looking in because my celibate priesthood hinged on having to renounce these most authentic expressions of human longing.

At each parish assignment I usually met at least one girl/woman who caught my attention and imagination. Physical attraction was part of it but so were these women’s spiritual and human qualities. With each attachment I resolved to renew my commitment to my priesthood all the more. At the time I did not realize that priesthood and mandatory celibacy were not attached to the hip by God for innate spiritual reasons but rather it was the construct of a human institution for more crass and material motives. Still trying to ”maintain my fidelity to my vocation” I asked a local woodcarver to make me an image of Christ the Good Shepherd to serve as a reminder of the vows I had made years before. I still have that statue. It now sits on a bureau in the home I share with my wife, Fran, symbolizing Christ’s dedicated concern for individuals who, for their own reasons, saw the need to exercise their independence from the flock.

My last ditch effort to hold on to my religious/priestly commitment in the face of an ever growing head wind of deep affective longing led me to a monastery which showcased a “mixed” or integrated community of both men and women. While that community maintained chastity, it promoted shared prayer, work, and worship for men and women together. The monastery ethos encouraged each community member to have a “prayer partner”—preferably of the opposite sex—so that the interaction of the animus/anima could lead each person to a more integrated and complete spirituality. The “prayer partner” concept, in many instances, led to deep emotional attachment. Mine was no exception. As in most dating relationships, my experience led me on a ten month whirlwind journey of euphoric highs and depressive lows ultimately ending after a year. Upon returning to my Religious Community in Puerto Rico, I felt like an expatriate, leaving one exile only to be exiled again. I wasn’t assigned to any community until 4 months later and, then, only reluctantly. Only two pastors wanted me in their community. One was Edgar. When I arrived at his parish in late August 1985, he revealed that he was in love with a young woman and was seriously considering marrying her. During the intervening 4 months of September through December, I often spent days off with Edgar and his soul mate. We went out for pizza, visited her family, and took rides through the Puerto Rican countryside. While I rejoiced in their relationship, I found myself longing more deeply for one of my own.

Edgar, ended up leaving the parish after Christmas Day, moved to the San Juan area, and married in February. (Twenty five years later he and his wife are still happily married with two grown daughters). That same February I petitioned for a Leave of Absence and left the community myself.

Priestly and Religious Life can best be compared to living in a womb. Those inside are housed, fed, and taken care of without having to make any decisions ontheir own. Leaving Religious Life is leaving that womb – a traumatic experience indeed. Leaving the warm, comfortable darkness kicking and screaming out into a strange, blinding sunlight which startles one into reality with one swift smack to the backside.

Another pastor, also a close friend of mine, allowed me to stay at his rectory for a few months while I was on Leave of Absence. For this he received much negative criticism from his community and the Provincial Superior. I started work immediately teaching English as a second language. That lasted three months but during that time I became involved romantically with a divorced mother of two who convinced her boss to train me in his Commercial Real Estate Business. That romance quickly headed south as did my brief career as a Real Estate Agent. I also soon discovered that teaching English to high-schoolers was not part of my skill set. Other priests who transitioned before me forewarned that I would most likely move in and out of 5 jobs before I found my niche. It took me 8 failed job attempts before I finally was hired by a U.S. Government Agency from which I recently retired after 18 years of service. That was longer than the time I spent in active ministry!

It wasn’t until 4 years into my leave (and unstable job #6) that I was introduced to Fran. I was age 46 at the time and so was Fran. Similarities didn’t end there as Fran had been in the convent for 17 years and had transitioned only three years before me. We began our relationship on a common footing with mutual understanding. It didn’t take long for us to realize that becoming engaged was a right decision. We married in November 1990- a year after we first met. Fran had her dispensation from vows. I did not.

Our local parish had two priests who were progressive, friendly, and open to our situation. We went to Sunday Mass and received Eucharist despite our “irregular canonical state”. At the time, I thought the Church was still moving full steam ahead on the route charted by Vatican II. It was only a few years later when I purchased the New Catholic Lectionary that I realized something was wrong with my assumption. Instead of finding inclusive, colloquial English in that Lectionary, I found a predominance of masculine nouns and pronouns in a dialect that would be more familiar to Chaucer than to a person in the pew. It also dawned on me one January that I wasn’t hearing any further mention of the Church Unity Octave – a time of year I always looked forward to when people of various faiths joined together to pray for Unity. Gradually my mind was opened to what had really been happening to our Church under the deliberate direction (misdirection) of the Pope John Paul II/Joseph Ratzinger tandem. Just like Michael Jackson’s moon-walking, the Catholic Institution was giving the impression of going forward when, in fact, it was actually backtracking-big time! The progressive cardinals and bishops whom I admired from the post Vatican II era were quickly being replaced by conservative obedient Wojtyla/Ratzinger clones. The forward- trending Comunidades de Base, Liberation Theology, and the preferential option for the poor in Latin America were being subjected to a powerful , two-frontal assault under a concerted cooperative strategy by the then current U.S. administration and John Paul II. The Polish Pope’s preferred “lay” movements were now the likes of Opus Dei, Legionnaires of Christ, and Comunione e Liberazione. The reins of power were already being turned over to these cult-like groups at break-neck speed. Theologians whom I had learned from and admired were being sanctioned one after the other.

At the turn of the millennium , our congenial open-minded pastor was replaced by a 40 something conservative with close ties to Bernard Cardinal Law. We immediately noticed the stark contrast in the new priest’s pastoral style and aloof persona. By that time, Fran and I had already met Louise Haggett who founded C.I.T.I. (Celibacy Is The Issue) Ministries for the purpose of meeting the ever- growing shortage of priests. Since 1992 she had already encouraged many “resigned priests” like myself to become involved in ministry again. The concept wasn’t new to me since Fran and I had a Married Priest celebrate our wedding back in 1990. Also, I had performed a Marriage Blessing ceremony for a nephew who had married civilly on a cruise. Even so, I had not yet warmed up to the concept of returning to priestly ministry. In my mind I had already made peace with never ministering publicly again – even though I never stopped celebrating Eucharist in private. After meeting Louise, Fran and I joined a Home Mass Community and I did accept to preside at Eucharist there. Still, I resisted considering other public forms of ministry until an engaged couple asked me to preside at their marriage. I accepted and soon began to accommodate other couples, many of whom were entering second marriages. All of the couples who have come to me since then have told me how, despite their Catholic upbringing, they had stopped “practicing” their faith.

At first I found it hard to understand people’s alienation from and hostility towards the Catholic Institution. The momentous event which helped me put it all into perspective was in 2002 when the Boston Globe broke what turned out to be the widespread sexual abuse of children by priests and the consistent cover-up by bishops and ultimately by the Vatican. Fran and I had been living in the Boston area since 1989 and were already very familiar with the James Porter crimes. The aftershocks of his string of abuses were a “one” on the Richter Scale compared to the magnitude of breach of trust set in motion by the stories of Boston priests and Bernard Law’s complicity in facilitating their crimes. We found ourselves at the epicenter of this scandal which since then has subsequently shed light on the widespread and worldwide nature of the problem. Two months after the Boston Globe story broke, a group of Catholics in Framingham Massachusetts asked that an alternative Catholic worship community be established since they were totally upset and disillusioned by the Archdiocesan mishandling of the sex abuse scandal. Four of us married priests living in the area responded to their request and for four years afterwards provided weekly Eucharist for this group.

Now a resident of Maine for the past 5 years, I have been celebrating weddings for many disenfranchised Catholic couples along with a few Baptisms. Most of these Baptisms are for children of couples I had married. Almost all of these couples, like their counterparts who still “practice” their faith are simply interested in having a priest available for Baptisms, Marriages, and Funerals (the Hatch, Match, and Dispatch Syndrome). Many avow to be spiritual seekers but cannot define any concrete steps they have taken to find what they are seeking - outside of their communing with nature. To this day I still try to understand exactly what their spiritual needs are and how to minister to those needs. I have not yet found an answer.

Fran and I continue to broaden our own historical and theological perspective of God, Jesus, prayer, and the Institutional Church through reading and attending lectures. We have not yet found a worshiping community that fits our spiritual needs. We do, however, celebrate Eucharist – just the two of us- each Sunday at our home. For a long time our constant prayer has been to find such a Faith Community where every member takes responsibility for their spiritual growth and is willing to share their journey with the others as well a share the leadership of that community. I could never accept being a priest according to old models that we grew up with in the 40s and 50s. Those models seem now to be continually imploding- more so after the “new” liturgical changes. What is required now is a true paradigm shift: “New wine in new wineskins”. Parishes continue to disappear, Catholics in the “first world” continue to walk away from the Institution which, for the most part, has written them off. Many of us truly feel like sheep without a shepherd and we do need true Shepherds, not administrators. Ezechiel ( 34) assures us that, when the shepherds abandon the flocks, Yahweh God Him/Herself will step in to care for the flock. While our traditional parishes disappear and fewer candidates are willing to fit the tight gender, celibate requirements for priesthood, God is allowing us to find her/himself. We are told in John 4:23 “that the time will come when people will not worship the Father either on this mountain or in Jerusalem… But the time is coming and is already here, when by the power of God’s Spirit people will worship the Father as he really is, offering him the true worship that he wants. God is Spirit, and only by the power of His Spirit can people worship him as he really is.” The time is already here when we are not finding God in our churches. If we can find God by the power of the Spirit - and we are temples of that Spirit as Paul tells us- then it’s inside our hearts/ spirits where we must look. Jesus confirms this by assuring that the Kingdom of God – where God is- is within. Within each one of us. That’s where Fran and I now find ourselves at this point in time. Over the past year or so our reading has led us to the kind of meditation where we actually seek and find the God within. We are confident at this juncture in our lives that we are exactly where we’re supposed to be even if we don’t think that we’ve come very far. We just trust that God is really “doing a new thing” and whatever part we’re to play in carrying it out will become clearer as we continue on our journey – together.

Reverend Edward Minderlein

Email: fminderlein@maine.rr.com

Tel: 207-937-2813

NOTE: Fr. Ed no longer presides at weddings.