Here's how to take a break during an argument: say you need a pause, say when you'll come back, then actually come back. Aim for at least 20 minutes, and spend it calming your body instead of rehearsing your case. A good break is a promise to finish the talk later, not a way to leave it.
Relationship researchers John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman call it being "flooded": feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed during a conflict. In an NPR Life Kit story, Julie Schwartz Gottman explains that stress hormones course through the body and flooded people "cannot think straight. They cannot hear well." The Gottmans say that if one or both partners are flooded, taking a break is the best way to keep a bad argument from getting worse.
Signs you might need a pause:
Your jaw clenches or your stomach drops, two signs NPR mentions.
You want to yell, or you want to leave the room.
Your mind goes blank and you shut down. The Gottman Institute describes flooding as an alarm that can trigger fight, flight or freeze.
You are repeating yourself louder instead of listening.
The difference between a break and walking out is simple: a break comes with words and a time to return.
1. Call it early. Pause when you notice the signs, not after the worst thing has been said.
2. Use "I," not "you." Name your own state and promise to come back. Try one of these:
"I'm getting too worked up to listen well. I need 20 minutes. Can we pick this up at 8:30?"
"I want to get this right, and I can't right now. Can we pause for half an hour?"
"I'm not leaving this conversation. I'm taking a short break so I can come back calmer."
Avoid "You need to calm down," "I'm done" or silently walking away. Those feel like rejection, not a pause.
3. Agree on a time. The Gottman Institute suggests trying 20 to 30 minutes, then coming back to say whether you're ready to talk. On NPR, Julie Schwartz Gottman says a pause can be as short as 20 minutes or as long as 24 hours. Aim for enough time for both of you to cool down.
4. Separate and calm your body. The Gottmans' advice on NPR is to get out of each other's space and, the hardest part, not to think about the fight. Instead of dwelling on what was said or planning your argument, do something self-soothing, like reading, listening to a podcast or going for a run, to give your body a chance to metabolize the stress hormones. The Gottman Institute also suggests meditation, exercise or playing a game.
Things that tend to backfire during a break: texting more arguments, venting to friends to build your case, scrolling back through old messages, or replaying the fight in your head.
5. Come back and restart gently. Return at the agreed time, even if it is only to ask for more time. The Gottman Institute says it's important to come back together after a time-out, not to let too much time pass, and that you can call another time-out if flooding returns. Gentle restarts sound like:
"Thanks for the break. I'm calmer now. Can I start by saying what I think you were telling me?"
"I said some things too harshly. What I meant was ___. What I need is ___."
"I'm still not ready. Can we try again tomorrow at 7?"
Minimum: about 20 minutes. Both the Gottman Institute and the Gottmans on NPR start there.
Typical: 20 to 30 minutes, then check in (Gottman Institute).
Big or late-night fights: up to 24 hours, with a set time to return (NPR).
A two-minute pause rarely helps if your heart is still pounding. A very long pause with no plan can feel like the topic is being buried.
Breaks work best when you agree on them while you're getting along. Here is an example plan you can adapt:
Signal: either of us can say "time-out" or make a T with our hands.
Default length: 30 minutes unless we agree otherwise.
Where we go: one of us takes a walk, the other stays in.
Coming back: the person who called the break checks in first.
If one of us isn't ready: we set a new time, within 24 hours.
Our sister site's guide on how to fight fair has more ground rules to pair with your plan.
If breaks turn into days of silence, or one of you uses them to dodge every hard topic, talk about that pattern directly. If it keeps happening, or you argue constantly, a licensed couples counselor can help.
If your partner won't let you leave the room, follows you, blocks the door or punishes you for pausing, that is not a communication problem. If your partner hurts, threatens or controls you, this advice does not apply.
In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is free, confidential and available 24/7. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org. The Hotline notes that internet use can be monitored. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
Taking space is fine. Leaving without a word or a return time usually feels like rejection. Say you need a break and when you'll be back.
Calmly repeat that you're coming back and name a time. Later, when things are calm, agree on a break plan together. If they block you, threaten you or won't let you leave, reach out to the Hotline.
Not necessarily. The Gottmans say pausing is better than pushing on while flooded, even if it goes against "never go to sleep angry." Set a time to talk the next day.
Start soft: thank them for the pause, sum up what you heard, and say what you need. Our sister site's guide on what to say after an argument has more scripts.
UnFight: Couples & Marriage is an iPhone app for the moments around an argument, and everything in it works for one person without a partner. Its Take a Break timer can be set for 5, 20 or 30 minutes, a custom length or no timer, with an optional reminder, and Calm Down offers a quick pause, a longer guided pause or simple grounding, with sound off by default. It is not therapy or emergency help, and choosing "I don't feel safe continuing" stops the normal flow and shows safety resources.
Get UnFight free on the App Store