How often should you text someone you just started dating? There's no universal rule. A good approach is to match each other's rhythm, keep messages warm and light, and use texting mostly to stay in touch and make plans to see each other. If you're not sure what they like, ask.
Some new couples text all day. Others send a message or two and save the rest for when they meet. Both can work. What matters is that the pace feels comfortable to both of you.
Schedules, jobs and personal habits all shape texting. A nurse on a 12-hour shift and a remote worker at a laptop will text very differently, and neither says anything about how interested they are. The Emily Post Institute's texting advice puts it simply: don't be upset if a text doesn't get an immediate response, because you can't know when the other person will read it.
Researchers at Brigham Young University surveyed 276 young adults about texting with their partners. A few findings stand out:
Affectionate texts helped. Expressing affection by text was linked to a better relationship, and sending a loving text was even more strongly tied to satisfaction than receiving one.
Hard talks by text did not. For women, using texts to apologize, work out differences or make decisions was associated with lower relationship quality.
More wasn't always better. For men, very frequent texting was associated with lower relationship quality.
Keep the limits in mind. Everyone in the study was already in a serious relationship, engaged or married, not just starting to date, and the findings show links, not cause and effect. The researchers themselves said they didn't know why some of the patterns appeared. Still, the takeaway is useful: let texts carry warmth and logistics, and save serious conversations for in person.
Notice their pace. If they reply once or twice a day, a steady stream of messages from you may feel like a lot. If they send good-morning texts, they may enjoy getting them too.
Mirror length, roughly. A quick question doesn't need a five-paragraph answer. The Emily Post Institute suggests keeping texts brief, and calling if a message runs on and on.
Give them time. Love Is Respect, run by the National Domestic Violence Hotline, notes there are plenty of reasons someone may not reply right away, from a busy day to bad reception.
Don't chase a reply. The same source warns that constantly texting for an answer isn't healthy, and demanding to know why someone isn't responding is controlling.
Choose quality over quantity. One thoughtful message ("Hope your presentation went well!") beats ten filler ones.
You don't need a formal talk. A light, honest line early on prevents a lot of guessing. These are examples:
"Heads up, I'm terrible at texting during work, so slow replies before 5 don't mean anything."
"I like a good-morning text, but no pressure to keep a running chat all day."
"I'd rather call for longer stuff. Want to talk tonight?"
"What's your texting style? I want to make sure I'm not blowing up your phone."
Love Is Respect also suggests talking early about digital boundaries, like what you're each comfortable sending over text.
Love Is Respect points out that relationships can't be built on texting alone. Texting is great for staying in touch between dates, but it shouldn't replace them.
Turn a good chat into a plan. "This is fun. Want to keep talking over coffee Saturday?"
Be specific. Name an activity and a day, so it's easy to say yes or suggest another time.
Keep the big stuff for face to face. The Emily Post Institute advises against using a text to end a relationship, and serious topics go better in person or on a call.
For timing right after a date, see our guide on texting after a first date. If you haven't asked them out yet, here's how to ask someone out over text.
Love Is Respect describes dozens or hundreds of messages demanding to know where you are as a warning sign of an unhealthy or abusive relationship. If someone uses texts to monitor, threaten or control you, the advice above doesn't apply. You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or visit thehotline.org.
For many people, yes. For others, every few days feels right. Both are normal if you're both happy with it.
There's no rule. Reply when you can and when you have something to say. Waiting on purpose to seem less interested usually backfires.
When it feels like pressure, when one person does all the texting, or when texting replaces seeing each other.
Sure. If you enjoyed their company, a short, friendly message is a nice way to show it.
SecondYes: Second Date Planner is an iPhone app for adults who have already met and want to move from chatting to an actual plan; it is not a dating app. Its Plan a Date flow builds three different plans from your mood, budget, area and availability, and you can share up to three plans in one private link that the other person opens in a web browser without installing the app. Their reply comes back as a link in your usual chat, where you confirm the date and get a ticket with calendar and directions.
Get SecondYes free on the App Store