To learn how to stop being passive aggressive in a relationship, catch the indirect signal (the sigh, the "fine," the joke with an edge), name the feeling underneath it, and turn it into one clear, kind request. Passive aggression is usually anger that feels unsafe to say out loud, and it can be unlearned.
Marriage and family therapist Andrea Brandt, writing for UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, describes passive aggression as the indirect expression of anger by someone who is uncomfortable expressing anger or hurt openly. She calls it a symptom of the fear of conflict. The American Psychological Association (APA) describes passive-aggressive behavior as getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on.
Brandt stresses that it is a learned habit, which means it can be unlearned. It is also something almost everyone does now and then. This guide is about spotting your own habits and swapping them out. It is not a tool for labeling or diagnosing your partner.
Loud signals. Heavy sighing, banging dishes, closing doors a little too firmly.
"Fine." Saying you are fine, or "whatever," when you are clearly not.
Sarcasm. "Oh, great, you're on time for once." The APA warns against harsh, sarcastic humor, calling it another form of unhealthy anger expression.
The joke with an edge. Gottman therapist Laura Silverstein describes using humor to express hostility, then calling the other person too sensitive when they react.
Silent sulking. Pulling away for hours while insisting you are "just tired," which Silverstein also lists. This is different from openly asking for a break.
Backhanded compliments. "Nice of you to finally help."
Strategic forgetting. "Forgetting" the errand you never agreed to, or doing a chore badly so you won't be asked again.
Hints instead of asks. "Must be nice to have a free Saturday."
Brandt traces passive aggression to fear of conflict, often rooted in childhood. Some people grew up around explosive anger and now fear their own. Others grew up in homes where anger was not allowed at all, so they never learned to express it in a healthy way. Silverstein adds that people sometimes hold back strong feelings because they do not want to hurt their partner or drag out an argument.
The trouble is that the anger does not go away. Brandt notes that unexpressed anger keeps simmering, which makes it much harder to reach any resolution. Silverstein puts it plainly: the longer someone pretends everything is fine, the more intense the anger becomes. And your partner cannot fix a problem you have not actually named.
Catch your signal. Notice the sigh, the clipped "fine" or the urge to make a pointed joke. That is your cue to pause.
Name the feeling to yourself. Hurt? Tired? Unappreciated? Left out? It is much easier to ask for something once you know what you feel.
Calm down first if you need to. Brandt suggests taking a break to cool off before you talk. A short walk counts.
Say it directly and kindly. Silverstein suggests a gentle start-up shaped like "I feel ___ about ___ and I need ___." The APA describes the healthiest way to express anger as assertive, not aggressive: making clear what your needs are and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive is not being pushy. It is being respectful of yourself and the other person. For more wording help, see these I statements examples.
Ask for one thing at a time. Brandt recommends making one specific request at a time. The APA also advises being careful with words like "always" and "never."
These are examples. Change them to fit your situation and your voice.
Instead of sighing over the dishes, try: "I'm wiped out tonight. Could you take the dishes so I can sit down?"
Instead of "Fine," try: "Honestly, I'm disappointed we're skipping dinner with my sister. Can we pick another date?"
Instead of "Oh, great, you're on time for once," try: "I felt stressed waiting. Could you text me if you're running more than 10 minutes late?"
Instead of sulking all evening, try: "I'm upset about earlier and need about an hour to cool down. Can we talk after dinner?"
Instead of "forgetting" the returns, try: "I really don't want to do the returns this week. Can we swap? I'll do the grocery run."
Instead of "Nice of you to finally help," try: "Thanks for helping with this. It makes a real difference when we do it together."
Instead of "Must be nice to have a free Saturday," try: "I'd love a slow Saturday morning too. Could we take turns sleeping in?"
Instead of a pointed joke at a party, try later, in private: "That comment about my cooking stung. Could we keep teasing about that between us?"
Pick a calm time and describe one specific behavior, not their personality. Brandt suggests telling your partner exactly what upsets you while reassuring them that you love them and that expressing anger will not end the relationship. Silverstein advises using "I" statements, especially if they get defensive, and if they say they were only joking, not calling them a liar. Instead, explain that the jokes feel hurtful to you. Keep the focus on the present and the future rather than a list of past hurts.
If the silences are long and frequent, this guide on what stonewalling is explains how shutting down differs from taking a healthy break.
A note on safety: This advice is for everyday friction between partners who feel safe with each other. If your partner hurts you, threatens you or controls you, it does not apply. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org. It is free, confidential and available 24/7. If indirect anger has become a constant pattern for either of you, a licensed couples counselor can help.
Sighing loudly, saying "fine" when you are not, sarcastic or edgy jokes, silent sulking, backhanded compliments, and "forgetting" things on purpose.
Often because saying you are angry or hurt feels risky, perhaps because of how anger was handled when you were growing up. It is a learned habit, and you can learn a more direct one.
It can be, when it is used to punish or make a point. Saying "I need an hour to calm down, then let's talk" is a healthy pause, not the silent treatment.
Stay calm and name what you noticed: "That sounded like you might be upset with me. Are you?" Then listen, and keep your own tone kind.
UnFight: Couples & Marriage is an iPhone app for finding the words around arguments, and everything in it works for one person without a partner. Its Say It Right tool gives you editable drafts in Brief, Gentle or Direct styles for nine situations, such as apologizing or setting a boundary, and its Calm Down tool offers a quick pause or simple grounding before you speak. It is not therapy; it is free with optional Premium purchases, needs no account and stores your writing on your iPhone.
Get UnFight free on the App Store
Control Anger Before It Controls You (American Psychological Association)
How to Deal With Passive-Aggressive Behavior in Your Relationship (The Gottman Institute)