Repair attempts in relationships are small words or actions that stop an argument from spiraling, such as "Can we start over?", a shared joke or reaching for your partner's hand. The Gottman Institute describes a repair attempt as any statement or action that keeps negativity from escalating. They work best early, and only when the other person accepts them.
The idea comes from Dr. John Gottman's research on couples. Writing for the Gottman Institute, Certified Gottman Therapist Zach Brittle explains that Gottman describes a repair attempt as any statement or action, silly or otherwise, that prevents negativity from escalating out of control. The key word is "any." A repair can be an apology, a joke, a touch, a pause or a simple "I see your point."
Repair is not about avoiding conflict. The Gottman Institute says successful couples aren't the ones who never argue. They repair early and often, ideally before emotional flooding sets in.
Brittle writes that in Dr. Gottman's research, the consistent failure of repair attempts is a sign of an unhappy future. Clinical psychologist Jill P. Weber, PhD, writing in Psychology Today, describes a Gottman study that followed 130 newlywed couples for six years. Happiness and stability were predicted not by fighting less, but by regular, effective repair attempts, even during intense arguments. Couples who went on to divorce tended either not to make repair attempts or to have partners who didn't accept them as sincere.
In other words, both halves matter: making the attempt and accepting it.
Brittle describes the Gottman Repair Checklist, which groups phrases into categories such as I FEEL, SORRY, GET TO YES and STOP ACTION. Here are some original examples in the same spirit. Pick the ones that sound like you.
Own your part
"That came out harsher than I meant. Let me try again."
"You're right about that part."
"I'm sorry. That was a cheap shot."
Say what you're feeling
"I'm getting overwhelmed. Can we slow down?"
"I'm feeling defensive, and I don't want to be."
"That hurt. Could you say it another way?"
Look for common ground
"I agree with some of what you're saying."
"We both want the same thing here. We just disagree on how."
"What do you need from me right now?"
Hit pause
"Can we take 20 minutes and come back to this?"
"Can we start this conversation over?"
"Let's stick to one topic. I'm bringing up too much."
Without words
Weber lists nonverbal repairs such as touching your partner's hand, offering a hug, softening your tone, suggesting a walk while you talk, nodding and keeping eye contact. Humor counts too, as long as you are laughing together and not at your partner.
What not to say: Brittle points out that "calm down" is left off the repair list because it never works for anyone. Skip sarcasm and "fine, whatever" as well. They can sound like a repair but land as a dismissal.
A repair only works if it lands. The Gottman Institute says that when one partner makes a repair attempt, successful couples acknowledge it. Weber suggests treating your partner's repair as genuine and responding in the same spirit, which shows you care more about you both being okay than about winning.
Notice clumsy repairs. A goofy joke or an awkward "can we not do this?" may be your partner's best effort in a hard moment.
Give a small yes. "Okay. Thanks for saying that." "Yes, let's start over." "A break sounds good. Back at 8?"
Accepting is not dropping the topic. You can take the repair and still come back to the issue once you're both calmer.
If you can't accept it yet, say so kindly. "I want to take that. I just need a few minutes first."
Watch for replies that shut a repair down, like "Don't try to joke your way out of this" or an eye roll. A softer reply might be: "I see you're trying. I'm still upset, but I want to get through this with you."
Brittle suggests looking at repair phrases together during a calm moment and deciding which ones work for you and which ones make things worse. He describes a couple who keep a yellow flag, like a football official's, that either partner can throw to stop an argument from escalating. It works because they agreed on the rule ahead of time.
Example repair plan for a couple:
Our pause signal: a code word, like "yellow flag."
Phrases that help me: "Let me try that again" and "I'm on your side."
Phrases that make it worse: "Calm down" and "You always."
When one of us pauses: we agree on a time to come back.
For more on keeping arguments fair, see our sister site's guides on how to fight fair and what to say after an argument.
If almost every argument escalates, or repairs keep getting rejected on both sides, a licensed couples counselor can help you spot patterns that are hard to see from the inside.
Repair skills assume two people who both feel safe. If your partner hurts, threatens or controls you, this advice does not apply.
In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is free, confidential and available 24/7. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org. The Hotline notes that internet use can be monitored. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
"Can we start over? I said that badly." is a classic. So is a gentle joke, reaching for your partner's hand, or "You have a point there."
They may be too flooded to take it in, the repair may have sounded sarcastic, or there may be built-up hurt underneath. Ask later, when you're both calm, which repairs work for them.
Yes. A short "I'm sorry I snapped. Can we talk at 7?" can lower the temperature. Save the real problem-solving for a calm conversation.
It can be, if you both laugh. Humor that mocks your partner or brushes off their feelings usually makes things worse.
UnFight: Couples & Marriage is an iPhone app for the moments around an argument, and everything in it works for one person without a partner. It offers a Calm Down pause (a quick pause, a longer guided pause or simple grounding) and a five-stage RESET method you can move through at your own pace, skipping or stopping any time. Choosing "I don't feel safe continuing" stops the normal flow and shows safety resources, and the app is not therapy or emergency help.
Get UnFight free on the App Store
Love Quiz: How Well Do You Repair Your Relationship? (The Gottman Institute)
Turning a Fight Into a Connection (Psychology Today, Jill P. Weber, Ph.D.)