August 29, 2020
A day or two ago an actor (43 yo) died of colon cancer after being diagnosed 4 years ago. Chadwick Boseman - he was the lead in Black Panther and several other movies I have not seen. (I want to see Black Panther and should watch it.) Glen was out of town when the news came over our phones. The girls, of course, know of him from the movie and because they are in tune with who is currently a celebrity, etc. They were just as shocked as everyone else. Maddy in particular noted “4 years”. That was his time from diagnosis until death.
As I’m reading a lot of comments and news articles they have a common theme. “We had no idea.” “He did so much.” “He visited kids in pediatric cancer centers when HE had cancer.” “He did all that filming and working in between treatments and surgeries.”
Yes.
Yes, that is what life is like with cancer and with advanced/metastatic cancer. You may look “normal” on the outside, You can largely go about your daily life and business. You are still a friend, family member, active member of your community. You probably work - part-time or full-time. No different in that respect than any other human walking the planet. And during all this you are also going to countless doctor visits, taking a cocktail of different medications, dealing with side effects. Struggling with your own mental health, knowing that all your efforts to stop the cancer may fail.
I totally get why Chadwick Boseman did not make his situation public. The Public has a perception of what a “cancer patient” is. This needs to change. First, we are not “cancer patients”. We are “people who have cancer.” While that may seem minor and nitpicky, it’s important. Cancer does not define me. I don’t want cancer to define me. That is the primary reason I have not made broad sweeping posts on social media or shared with all my coworkers my situation. There are assumptions about people dealing with cancer that are reinforced over and over. We are not all bald. We are not all bedridden. We have lives, we are vibrant people with dreams, aspirations, goals, friends, family and shit we need to do!
I completely understand the irony of my choice not to shout from the rooftops that I have terminal cancer. By not doing so, I am not helping to change the perception and am allowing the myth to perpetuate. It’s complicated when it comes down to individual people. How much do I make myself the poster-woman for stage IV breast cancer? What does that do to my life but more importantly to my husband and kids lives? The girls would be labeled by everyone as ‘those kids with the mom who has cancer.’ I want to protect them from that as much as I can. (Of course, many adults in their lives know because that is the best thing to ensure their own mental health.)
Life is complicated - without cancer. Cancer adds an additional layer on top of it.
As we all go about our day we interact with people we know and complete strangers. You have no idea what individuals are going through unless you are very close to them. Don’t make assumptions, give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Some days when I’m going on a walk I don’t want to wave or acknowledge the people I pass because I’m on the verge of tears. Here in Colorado I feel like that could be a misdemeanor! (People are *really* friendly.) It’s so important that we take a step back and don’t judge. It’s hard. Really hard. But life is hard and the best way I’ve found to get through it is to lean on others, have confidence in yourself, and live every day as if it were your last.