January 17, 2025
In my previous column, I addressed what a Time magazine article calls the “epidemic of estrangement.” According to the article, one in two Americans is estranged from a close relative with estrangement usually occurring between a parent and an adult child.
I shared how I had personally experienced estrangement with multiple adult children and promised to share how I dealt with it.
At first, I didn’t. I was in shock. Without getting into personal details, I’ll just say it was sudden and incomprehensible. There was no fight, no disagreement. After many years of a normal and mostly warm parent-child relationship, there was a sudden “I never want to see you again.” And then I was blocked, cancelled, erased. It’s been nearly eight years.
A couple of my daughters actually did their “I never want to see you again” message on social media and included some pretty terrible accusations. As horrible as this was at the time, it turned out to be helpful.
Friends who saw those postings - even though they were as shocked and saddened as I was - reached out to me. One of those friends was a social worker who recognized the elements of the associated phenomenon of “parental alienation.”
I say “associated” because alienation and estrangement are two different things. Alienation is the manipulation of a child (adult or not) by one parent to turn on the other, whereas estrangement is the adult child (or other relative) acting on his or her own. In either case, the end is the same: the sudden and baseless isolation and estrangement of the “target,” who is usually a loving parent.
Thanks to the article that my social worker friend sent me, I quickly recognized that I was not alone. Understanding you are not alone is probably the most important thing since the sudden shock of being cut off, cancelled, and erased by a loved one can lead to a most intense loneliness that can quickly descend into self-harm.
So that’s one of the reasons I am writing this column: to let you - if you have experienced this - know that you are not alone.
In my case, the shock was exponentially intensified by my daughters trashing me on social media, and later, some very hurtful accusations filed in court which the local media picked up and blasted all over the news for nearly a week in May 2018.
It is coincidental (?) that all this happened just weeks after the Vatican had found then-Archbishop Apuron “guilty of “sexual abuse of minors,” a matter in which “Tim Rohr and his associates” (Apuron’s words) had played a "conspiratorial" role. But said “coincidence” is a topic for another column.
Through it all, though, I was surrounded and supported by people who had known me for many of the thirty years I and my family had thus far lived in Guam.
Part of this support was a result of my own action and I would recommend you do this. I immediately contacted friends and neighbors and calmly assured them that the accusations were false. The fact that I didn’t hide or run away had much to do with my own self-confidence and also brought relief to those who wanted to have confidence in me.
It helped that I had no history of being or acting anything like what I was being accused of, so, as the saying goes: “don’t do in the dark what you wouldn’t do in the light.” You never know when you are going to need your “history.”
So, establishing support is number one. The second thing is educate yourself. Starting with the article my friend sent me, I soon found ever more information and support in every possible format - especially on YouTube where I heard the stories of other parents who could have been telling my exact same story.
The third thing - and this was hard - was for me to go “all business” - to see the whole affair objectively and to deal with my accusers as accusers and not loved ones. In a way, the absurdity and falsity of their accusations helped. They left me no hope of reconciliation, and it’s the false hope of reconciliation that keeps you paralyzed and leads to self-harm.
Lastly - and I’ll have more to say about this in another column - was understanding that once my children reached age 18 I had no right to them. My job was done. So I forgave them, gave them back to God, and moved on. I recommend you do the same.