A few years ago, I was accused of domestic violence and sexual abuse. My accusers were my wife and two of my adult daughters. The accusations were made in court filings in a divorce proceeding. Court proceedings are a matter of public record (unless otherwise sealed), and the accusations found their way into the local media. In fact, they were headlines.
I have written elsewhere about this whole drama in detail. However, because I do not wish to harm my accusers, I won’t get into those details here (though knowing more of the context may be helpful). The aim of this post is to generically layout a “what to do” based on what I did, or eventually did after waking up from the shock and stupor of it all. And I share this because I very much know I am not alone. False allegations, particularly in the context of a divorce, and particular from female members of the family against a male, are an epidemic.
The first thing I want to state at the outset is that I did not initiate the divorce. I didn’t want one and I still don’t want one, even though on paper (civilly) my wife and I (I won’t call her my “ex”) are divorced. And had I had a better attorney at the outset, I might have avoided a divorce. However, “a better attorney” is rarely any more than wishful thinking. Most attorneys, especially, ones who take domestic cases, are only interested in getting you divorced, not saving your marriage, and even less, saving your family. Even more so, they are only interested in getting you divorced in the quickest and easiest way, which usually means a settlement, or should I say, forcing you to settle.
Had my wife simply filed for divorce for irreconcilable differences (“no-fault”), there would have been little I could have done, and, in the end, she would have been better off, given that in those situations, the courts usually split things down the middle. But for whatever reason, probably because she had no real reason, she decided to demand a divorce based on a long list of “faults.” Two of those “faults” were particularly egregious: 1) she accused me of battery of herself; and 2) she recruited two of my daughters to accuse me of sexual molestation - one, molestation of herself, and the other daughter, an account of my sexually molesting another daughter, an infant at the time.
That’s pretty bad stuff. And it was made exponentially worse, when one of my daughters, or perhaps even my wife, went to the local media (I have the evidence) and “tipped” off a certain reporter to those allegations in my court file. The accusations were local headlines for a full week.
So, now to the meat of this post: how did I respond and what do I recommend for others who find themselves in similarly horrible situations.
CS LEWIS: “There is nothing to do with the suffering but to suffer it.” - A Grief Observed
My initial response - no getting around it - was grief. And that grief was exponentially multiplied when two of my sons, who I was still close with at the time, decided to distance themselves from me - probably out of embarrassment due to the public stories (we lived in a small community). So I found myself quite alone - at least in terms of any family support. This was particularly critical because the abuse was alleged to have occurred in our home, so only another family member could have testified in my favor, at least as a personal witness. But now I had no one.
As there is no way around grief, just go ahead and go through it. I won’t say “get it over with,” because I don’t think you ever get over grief. You learn to live with it - or you die from it. You have to choose.
LESSON ONE: The court is your friend
The first thing to know is that in cases like mine, the court is your friend. I know, I know, this seems completely opposite to most men’s experience, but most men don’t know how to use the courts. They leave their case (and their lives) up to their lawyers. I did too - and for a very long time. It wasn’t until I ran out of money and had to represent myself - and LEARN to represent myself - that I learned how to use the courts (the law actually) to my advantage.
So the first thing to do, if it’s not already, is to get your case into court. If your wife or any of your family members are falsely accusing you, and there is no way to handle this within the family (as it was in my case), then file something in court (such as a legal separation), and don’t let your lawyer dissuade you from setting out your reasons in full in your affidavit or declaration.
LESSON TWO: Understand what a Declaration is and how to write one
Speaking of which, one of the critical things I learned - and not till I began representing myself, is the difference between a complaint or a motion (“Motion”) and an affidavit or declaration (“Declaration”). The Motion sets out what you are asking the court to do, and normally, if you have a lawyer, this is your lawyer’s job. The Declaration sets out the facts, your facts, which support the Motion. And whereas there is usually a limit as to the length of the Motion, there is no limit to the length of the Declaration.
Lawyers don’t like leaving anything up to their clients, so they’ll often ask you to just sign a “verification” - usually a single sentence at the end of a Motion stating that you “verify” the foregoing. This only prolongs the ordeal. If you have the facts to support your case, then you need to get them in front of the court as soon as possible. It’s not that the court will necessarily read them, but your opponent will. And once she (I’m using “she” because it’s usually a “she” who makes false allegations) sees what you have and that you have filed your facts under penalty of perjury in a court of law, you may be able to force a quick end to what may have been little more than a careless power play on her part.
In my case, I had one sentence that I wanted to use from the beginning, and it would have put a quick end to things. However, none of my first four lawyers (I had five, not including me) would let me use it. The sentence was this:
“If what the Defendant (my wife) says is true (the allegations of the sexual abuse of my daughters), then where was the Defendant? She is either complicit, negligent, or she’s lying.”
My wife had claimed that she learned of my alleged sexual abuse of some of my daughters after she abandoned our marriage and moved to another jurisdiction under the false pretense of a family visit. By that time we had been married for thirty-one years and had lived as a very large family (we had several children) for the better part of those thirty years in a three-bedroom home in a small community. If I had been molesting my daughters as my wife claimed, and got my daughters to allege, then where was she? In other words, if we were living in the same house for thirty years with several children and I was molesting them, then she was either complicit, negligent, or she was fabricating (actually got my daughters to fabricate) facts that never happened or were grossly exaggerated.
There was no police report nor a report of any kind. My wife’s lawyer probably advised her to have a reason for not reporting my alleged abuse so she - in her declarations - attempted to paint a picture of living in fear for thirty years. However, anyone who knew my wife - at least where we lived for thirty years - knew that she wasn’t afraid of anyone - least of all me. Her only hope was to file for divorce in another jurisdiction where nobody knew us as a married couple. And that’s what she did. I got her complaint dismissed on lack of jurisdiction, but it also forced me to file for divorce in our home jurisdiction so I could properly defend myself.
Those words: “Where was she?” was the smoking gun. And I could have closed our case down and destroyed those false allegations at the outset. But as mentioned, my lawyers wouldn’t let me file anything or speak for myself. They “knew better.” I was finally able to ask that question in a declaration five years later and within days our case was over, with most of it going in my favor.
So the big lesson is don’t let your lawyer deny you your right to set out your facts in a Declaration.
Here’s a short story. On one occasion my wife, in trying to limit my visitation with our two minor children, filed declarations by herself and some of my adult daughters declaring, once again, that I was a danger to the children. At this point we were about a year into our case and I had been collecting a lot of evidence to the contrary. (I’ll share more about that next.) In response, I put together a 60 page declaration with about half of it being exhibits of cards, letters, emails, etc. from those same accusers showing - in their own hand - that prior to their being recruited by their mother to take her side, I had normal, healthy, happy, and loving relationships with them. My lawyer didn’t like the stack of paper (my Declaration) sitting in front of him and wasn’t going to file it. But I insisted. So he did. A few days later, and based on the evidence I had presented, the court made a decision so favorable to me that my lawyer called me and ecstatically proclaimed: “I think we’ve turned this case around.” He forgot that he wasn’t going to let me file my Declaration.
In fact, that decision was the “turning point.” And while it would take me four more years, and several other setbacks, mostly due to incompetent and negligent lawyers, I would prevail. And when I say “prevail,” I am speaking relatively because “relatively” I could have lost everything and have been homeless at 70 years old, which I am now closing in on.
Review: Understand what a Declaration is and how to write one. And, do not let your attorney dissuade you from filing it. He can edit it perhaps, but the Declaration is your facts, and nobody else has the facts, only you. Also: Understand that your Declarations aren’t just for the courts to read, but for your opponent(s) to read. They need to know what you have and that you are not fooling around.
LESSON THREE: Collect and Organize your Evidence
After I woke up from my initial grief, I began pouring through every bit of “evidence” I could find that demonstrated that prior to my wife’s declaring war on me, that I had normal relationships with my children, and even my wife - for many years. This evidence was in emails, texts, cards, hand-written letters, pictures, video recordings, etc. Because I loved my wife and children, I never discarded anything. Everything that they ever sent me or gave me, I kept, maybe not consciously, but I never purposely deleted or discarded anything. I learned how to search, download, and organize emails and texts. I did the same for pictures and videos. I had years of video tapes. I sent them to a service which digitized them all. I then searched each one and isolated key portions of those recordings that would serve as the evidence I needed.
Probably the best evidence though was the hand-written birthday and especially Father’s Day cards. One of those cards was particularly helpful. The daughter who accused me of sexually molesting her when she was eight years old, sent me a Father’s Day card many years later after she had married and was expecting her first child. In the card she thanked me for imparting the values that helped her to live successfully and promised to impart those same values to her son who was still in the womb. She later tried to discount that card by implying that she was in fear of me. However, she had already been living away from home for several years at that point.
In trying to buffer her story (her lie) she filed for a restraining order against me in the jurisdiction where she lived. I didn’t know about the filing at the time and discovered it several years later. The restraining order was never granted, however the filing with the accusations against me were still on the record, the public record. When I discovered it, I didn’t ignore it, even though the divorce had been settled for over a year. I filed for a dismissal and used my Declaration to set out the facts demonstrating that her allegations were false. Those records are still public documents, but at least there is “my side of the story.”
You cannot leave false allegations hanging. You must refute them. Note: I am a believer in letting the weeds grow with the wheat and letting God sort things out in the end. However, I believe it is uncharitable to let people lie, whether about you or anybody else, and not be confronted. Confrontation in these cases is a charitable act. You are trying to help them see that their are consequences for wrong-doing.
So collect, collect, collect. And organize, organize, organize.
LESSON FOUR: All communications in writing
Even if you’re still living in the same house, refuse to communicate other than in writing. If your accuser(s) refuses to communicate in writing, be prepared to record every conversation. There is no need to hide the fact that you are recording. Take out your phone or your recorder and press record. This may sound extreme, but what your accuser has already done is beyond extreme. He or she or they are just not expecting you to defend yourself and certainly not expecting you to go on the offense - which is what you are doing when you record whatever is being said (or screamed).
If you are not living with your accuser, then it will be easier to limit your communications to writing. However, should you get an unexpected phone call, be ready to record it. I got an app for my phone to do this. I forget the name. But it recorded every call I wanted it to record and then saved them to a website online where I could later download and organize them. This came in very handy when it came to providing evidence that led the court to holding my wife in contempt.
She refused to comply with court orders to permit communication between me and my minor children. I called daily and recorded every call. She never answered and every call went straight to voicemail. I kept a log and a link to the recording of every call. I never had to play those recordings. Just the fact that I had the log with the links was all the court needed. And apparently it was all her attorney needed as well as he didn’t contest my motion to hold her in contempt once I produced the log/evidence.
The recordings played another important role. My wife, in court, accused me of harassing and threatening her in those calls. All I had to do was show my log with the links to the recordings and say “I have a recording of every call, and I only ever asked to speak with my children.” She dropped the accusation as soon as I said that. But you see what could have happened if I didn’t have that sort of evidence? It would have been “he said-she said” and in those situations, the “he” usually loses. In my case, the court held her in contempt and that decision played a very important role in my ultimately winning.
Note: I say “winning” because I don’t know what else to call it. No one really wins in family breakups, least of all the children. However, compared to what could have happened - being left broke, homeless, and publicly disgraced (which is what she was after) - this was a very big win.
Also, in case you ever get in a situation where an oral exchange takes place and you are unable to record, say as little as possible, take notes if you have something to write on (you should always have something to write on if only your phone), then summarize and memorialize the exchange in an email to your accuser as soon as possible. Print out a copy and put in your file.
Remember: all communications in writing and record any oral communications.
LESSON FIVE: FILE, FILE, FILE
Speaking of filing, this will be one of your most important actions. You will get a feel for the categories as your case proceeds, but some of the ones I used was court filings and decisions, communications (letters, emails, etc), and evidence. I dated every documents like this: 260116. 26 is the year (2026). 01 is the month (January). And 16 is the date. Jan. 16, 2026. Dating your docs this way helps to organize by date, especially since you are going to be keeping a digital copy of everything on your computer. I also copied everything to Google Docs so I had all my files in the cloud as a backup and also for remote reference if needed.
LESSON SIX: MOTION, OPPOSITION, REPLY
Not knowing the above cost me a lot. In fact, it cost me everything…until I learned it. Those accusations of sexual abuse from my daughters were attached as Declarations to my wife’s Opposition to my Motion for temporary custody. I had a right to reply to those allegations, however my attorney at the time either overlooked that opportunity or she was part of a malicious effort against me by many powerful people in my community (something I may write about another time). The trouble was, I didn’t know my own rights because I had been told that a person who represents himself “has a fool for a client” - a common lawyer quip, but absolutely stupid. Even if you have an attorney, you STILL must know the basics of the law and procedure relative to your case. You MUST.
Because I didn’t file a Reply to those accusations, the court denied my motion for temporary custody, and I lost my minor children for four more years, not to mention the tens of thousands of dollars in costs related to my case and who knows how much money I lost due to lost business because of the horrific headlines announcing me as a wife-beater and sexual-molester of my own children. Had I filed a Reply, my side of the story would have been reported or there might not have even been a story. In fact, the case might have ended at that point. I had all the evidence to demonstrate that I was not what I was accused of, especially the question “where was she?” (for thirty years). That would have ended it.
The bottom line is that you always have the right to respond to the other party. After your case is opened with the initial complaint, there will usually be a series of actions called Motions. This is when you or your opponent moves the court to do something. The court will not do anything until the other party responds (within a time limit). The response to a Motion is known as an Opposition. Then the original moving party has the opportunity to Reply to the Opposition. No one is required to do any of this, but given what’s at stake, you want to make sure that you know the consequences of not responding. The court will automatically rule in favor (usually) of the last party to file if there is no response from the other party. This is what happened to me. My wife filed damning allegations. My attorney did not permit me to file a Reply (or even advise me that I could). And I lost my children and everything else I mentioned previously.
So if nothing else, at the very least know the very basics of motions: Motion - Opposition - Reply. And demand your right to file.
LESSON SEVEN: BE PREPARED TO GO IT ALONE
I was very fortunate to have several friends who came to my side during this drama, especially during the initial, catastrophic stages. Fortunately, we had lived where we lived as a married couple and a family for 30 years. And we had lived very openly and publicly. So many people knew us and knew that the allegations weren’t true, even if they were coming from accusers inside my own family. I can never appreciate their friendship and support enough. However, in the end, I still had to get my stuff together and go out there and fight my own battle.
I was over two years into this drama when I was forced to take over my own case. The short story is my then-attorney quit on me mid-trial under the guise of an illness. However, I believe the real reason was that I was out of money and couldn’t afford to pay him to continue. He was my fourth attorney, and things were just getting worse. I bought a book on how to represent yourself, but the thing that helped me the most was an online course by Attorney Frederick Graves. It was here that I learned to write my own papers. In fact, when I finally hired my last attorney, I hired him on the condition that he let me write my own papers. The last two papers I wrote were the ones that “won” my case. The attorney told me that those were the best papers he had ever read.
I also learned a lot from Alex Falcone. You can find him at The Proper Person on YouTube. Not only did I learn a lot, I got daily encouragement from him during my darkest hours. Alex was a father who fought for 8 years to get custody of his son, and he did so without an attorney. He lost over and over again. But he kept coming back, and he got better each time.
There were others. In fact, representing yourself in family cases is almost its own industry online now, and for good reason. The courts and the lawyers, even your own lawyer, take a dim view of divorcing couples. They treat you like a couple of kids who can’t get along. But what can they do? Most people, especially men, just flop into the lawyer’s office and expect someone else to fight for them. It’s not going to happen. My last attorney helped me win my case. But by that time I knew what I was doing. And so did he.
I hope this helps. I have to keep much of my details generic. I don’t want to hurt my family - even if they want to hurt me - anymore than what has already happened, especially my children, especially my younger children.
Wishing you the best.