Setting Boundaries
Why Boundaries are Important
Setting boundaries means deciding what you will and won't do, what is your responsibility and what is not, and being consistent with others about it. This is not easy, but we need to do it. Boundaries are important for our well-being. Sometimes we have to discover what boundaries we need. If we consistently feel frightened, angry, or taken advantage of in a situation, it is often a sign we need to set a different boundary on what we do or how much responsibility we take in that situation. Even though we might already know what boundaries we need in order to flourish, putting them into place is easier said than done.
Boundaries Support Our Wellbeing
We each claim many different roles as we live our lives; we may call ourselves a student, a parent, a research assistant, a teaching assistant, a scientists, a traveler, or a caretaker. While each of these titles may be important to us, the expectations that come with these roles will sometimes conflict with what we want in life or with what is expected of us in a different role.
That being said, we cannot dedicate all that we have to each of these roles without feeling overburdened, fatigued, or burned out. Whether its with work, school, family, or friends
To Support Long-term Growth
Boundaries not only benefit our short-term well-being, but they are also crucial for our long-term growth. Having boundaries can help you find the time and energy for the things that matter most to you if you find yourself struggling to work towards your goals.
Boundaries are also important for ensuring that you have some time to practice self-care, which is vital for your physical and mental well-being. While this may seem to be slowing down your development in the short run (by having to turn down opportunities or refuse responsibilities), it will help you stay on top of everything in the long run as your workload will be more manageable.
Practical Tips for Setting Boundaries
Setting boundaries is difficult and your choice to do so won't always be respected. The following section has three videos about how you can set boundaries with loved ones and within your workplace. Read and watch whatever you need at the moment, then come back to this content in the future.
"A beginners guide to setting boundaries" by Dr. Nicole LePera
"How To Create Healthy Boundaries" by Lisa Nichols
"How to Set Healthy Boundaries at Work" by Career Contessa
In The Workplace & At School
If work or school is intruding on your personal life, make clear your availability/non-availability and set a standard for communication (i.e., how long will it take you to respond, how far in advance do you need to be informed of deadlines, etc.).
Not every environment we find ourselves in will be supportive and changing the culture is too much for one person to do. Boundaries are less likely to be respected in toxic environments, which makes it even more important. You may even have to explicitly teach people to respect your boundaries. This may include having to tell people how to talk to you or setting up autoreply on your email to remind others that you won't be answering emails outside of your work hours.
At Home and With Loved Ones
We also have to set boundaries with loved ones. These conversations can be especially difficult, but keep in mind that having boundaries doesn't mean you don't care - even if a family member or friend thinks it does. Emotional labor is real, and it can burn you out easily if you don't keep it in check.
There isn't any easy advice for how you can set and reinforce boundaries with family. For example, the conversation you have with your parents will be very different from the conversation you have with your child.
One of the best things you can do is find a community of people who are in similar circumstances as you. This could be another student, a professor, or some organization at school/work. Having boundaries is sometimes the hardest when it comes to people we cherish dearly, which is why having a community to support you is vital.
Boundaries will be Challenged
When you set a new boundary, people will usually push back against it. Sometimes the push back is because they aren't used to having a boundary with you and just need to be reminded. Other times the push back is because they are testing whether or not you will enforce the boundary. Be consistent. It is more useful to commit to keeping one boundary where you need it to be, than to try to set many at once and give in when they're challenged. When people see that no matter how they respond, your yes consistently means yes and your no consistently means no, they will usually remember and test less.
Setting and reinforcing boundaries is a skill that takes time to develop. We will also find that there are times when we are better at setting boundaries than other times. As always, try not to be too hard on yourself when you are struggling to define these boundaries. Reach out to people you trust and talk to them about these challenges. Often, we feel like we are the only ones having these difficulties and judge ourselves harshly. The reality is that others are likely going through or have gone through similar challenges.
Created by Medina Lamkin. Published January 4th, 2022. Updated January 4th, 2022.