It’s painful to talk about this, but I need to. For the past few days, I’ve felt restless and emotionally raw. I knew this would happen after bringing the girls back—these kinds of emotional crashes always seem to follow periods of energy. I can talk for hours about everything swirling inside me, but I’ll try to be direct and honest.
Lately, I’ve been processing why I feel so terrible about myself. In truth, I’ve felt this way for as long as I can remember. I can’t recall a single time in my life when I felt genuinely at peace. My sister Sarah and I experienced early childhood trauma, even before Paul came into the picture. That trauma shaped us in ways we’re still trying to understand. When Paul entered our lives, he didn’t make things better—he made them worse.
Recently, Paul made two incredibly bad decisions that forced me to evaluate him, and by extension, my entire life. I’ve been digging into the past, tracing the steps that led me here. I probably wouldn’t have done this so intensely if it weren’t for his recent behavior. But it was inevitable that I’d get to this point eventually.
Here’s the hard truth I’ve come to accept: Paul was not a good parent. As a child, I believed my parents always did the right thing. But adulthood reveals a different picture—one where I can clearly see just how damaging his choices were.
I don’t think Paul is evil. He’s not a criminal. But I do believe he’s emotionally bankrupt and morally shallow. He has always been emotionally cold—a man who doesn’t know how to process his own feelings. I used to excuse some of this as generational—baby boomers were often raised to be emotionally reserved—but the truth is deeper than that. His coldness wasn’t just emotional distance. It was neglect.
The first major wound came when Sarah was a teenager. She acted out, like many kids do. Instead of parenting, instead of showing patience or love, Paul banished her. He kicked her out. That decision set her on a dark path. I was just a kid, confused and scared, watching my sister disappear without explanation.
I was a quiet, obedient child. I did everything he told me to do. I think I was terrified of him. I’d seen what happened to Sarah, and I believed that if I ever messed up, the same thing would happen to me. So I walked on eggshells my entire childhood. That kind of fear shapes a person. It lingers long after the moment has passed.
When I came home from Afghanistan, I was not well. Of course I wasn’t—war changes people. Most people don’t choose to go to war. Those of us who do often carry deep wounds long before we ever get there. I was unstable, vulnerable, and in desperate need of support.
Paul’s solution was to get rid of me. He sent me to Massachusetts—out of sight, out of mind. That wasn’t love. That was convenience. I was a disabled veteran, his stepson, and he treated me like a problem to be relocated, not a human being to be cared for.
That decision put me in harm’s way. I ended up in an abusive marriage I never would have entered if I’d had the support I needed. He signed up to be a stepfather. He just never showed up as one.
A few months ago, Paul called me. He rarely calls, so for a brief moment I felt hopeful. I thought maybe he wanted to check in, to offer some kind of support.
Instead, in one phone call, he shattered my relationship with my mom. He told me to stop talking to her. Just like that. No conversation. No compassion. Just control.
I was already disabled, newly divorced, and deeply isolated. And now, my mother—one of the few people I felt connected to—was gone from my life too. I said “Yes, sir” on the phone because I was too shocked to respond any other way. But in the months after, I was devastated. How dare he try to dictate the relationship between a mother and her child?
And worse—my mother complied. Whether because of fear, submission, or something else, she went along with it. That betrayal cut deep.
The final straw came when my children came to stay with me. This was one of the most important moments of my life. I was proud, excited, and ready to show my mom how much love I pour into my kids. Unlike how I was raised, I make sure my children feel wanted, safe, and validated.
But Paul and my mom didn’t want to see us. Not me. Not my kids. Nothing. That was it. That was the moment everything crystallized.
They may not treat me with dignity, but to treat my children like they don’t matter—that is unforgivable. My kids are innocent. They deserve grandparents who love and embrace them. And they don’t have any others.
Paul has spent his entire life banishing people who inconvenience him. His ex-wife. My sister. Me. Now, indirectly, my children. He has no interest in forming real connections. He never spent time with me as a child. He doesn’t now. He just removes anything that doesn’t fit neatly into his comfort zone.
This pattern—of rejection, avoidance, and selfishness—has had consequences. I am one of those consequences.
Today, I feel bitter. I don’t want to see Paul again. I don’t even know if I can face my mom. I spent years trying to convince myself that they cared about me. I excused behavior I shouldn’t have excused. I told myself that maybe they loved me in their own way.
But their actions have spoken louder than anything else: I am not a priority to them.
I carry the weight of that realization like a stone in my chest. It has shaped how I see the world, how I love, how I trust. It’s why I sometimes feel like I’m destined to die alone. It’s why I struggle to believe in my own worth.
In the middle of this pain, I’ve been praying. I’ve been asking God where I belong, what to do with the love and leadership I still have in me. I don’t want to just sit in a pew at church and disappear into the crowd. I want to lead, to help. I want to use my pain to serve others.
I’ve decided to return to church—not as a passive member, but as someone who contributes. I can offer something real: leadership, counseling, compassion. I can provide crisis counseling, premarital counseling, and guidance for young people. I can play piano or take part in worship. I know Scripture deeply and study theology daily. I may be broken, but I am not without purpose.
Paul doesn’t respect me, but that doesn’t define me. I’ve survived war. I’ve survived neglect. I’ve survived pain. And I am still here.
I don’t know what the future holds for my relationship with my mother. I don’t know if Paul will ever change. But I do know this: I am done excusing cruelty. I am done trying to earn love from people who withhold it.
My children will not grow up wondering if they matter. They will know they are loved. They will never be banished for being inconvenient. And even if I have to build a new family from the ground up—through faith, community, and service—I will.
Because the pain I carry will not end with me. It will become something stronger.
Transcript
and uh it's painful yeah it's pain like uh
stff um uh hey I I I wanted to say I did not listen to that podcast yet but I promise
I will um I I did click on it but yeah I got to download something um okay I've
been a bit hyper the last few days I I I knew that when I after bringing the
girls back I was going to have some a difficult time um
yeah so um uh yeah Hey listen I won't take up too much of your time cuz I
could totally talk for like hours um but I
um I've been um processing um kind of why I
feel um so terrible about myself and uh
yeah I mean I I've always felt bad about myself like I can't remember a time I've
ever ever actually really felt um you know at peace which you know
as you know um Sarah and I had some early early childhood trauma um like
kind of I think it was before Paul came into the picture some some some trauma happened some big time trauma that
really affected both of us and and and then Paul came into the sit situation
and he did not make it better um and I
um it wasn't until um Paul recently made two horrendously
bad decisions and uh it it it it triggered me to um like to to do a deeper
evaluation of uh well I mean I've been evaluating my life I'm trying figure out
why why why like what like what led me here right yeah and
um and I I I would not have um I guess
evaluated Paul as much I if he hadn't done just some incredibly stupid things
lately um and
uh so so this is kind of tough um it's it it's tough it's tough to it's
tough to process really um but it was it was only a matter of time before I kind of figured it
out um but again I would not have analized
it as deeply I if um
if Paul hadn't um recently been so terrible um and then
so I had to start evaluating him more and uh the deeper I got into it it
it it's not good it's not good but I think I can summarize it oh the conclusion well I guess none of it's
good but it is the only good thing to come out of this is um I mean I'm a bit
upset right now but um I'm I'm ultimately going to recover finally or
at least from this portion of my life like I'm really I need to figure out you know what caused certain things in my
life and um um Paul Paul was not a good parent
not at all um um I I I used to well you know how
when you're a kid you know you think your parents do everything right and it's not until later in life that you
you know reflect and realize like wow that that was really messed up yeah
um oh yeah so okay uh just a quick summary
um like I'm I'm having very strong feelings against about about everybody in the world right now but I did have to
direct some some some analysis towards um Paul as a as an
individual um I don't think he's a bad a bad person he's just a terrible parent
um um I don't think he's criminal um and I don't think he's evil but I do think
he's uh uh morally extremely uh
bankrupt even yeah uh like I I've
always um well I've always felt something oddd about him and and how he and how he
um you he's always been emotionally cold you know he's not a really feely type
guy and I I gave him some some Grace for being like a baby boomer like apparently
people from that era were less emotional or something not everybody
but um
anyways uh it wasn't
um wa okay to summarize Paul I think had did did four four strikes I gave him
four strikes and it was the fourth strike that just recently happened that that triggered this
um so one one really awful pattern that Paul has is if
uh I guess if he doesn't like you he he he uh maybe he doesn't know how to
emotionally process things himself but he just banishes people that he doesn't like like okay like you know
um like like he's told me I don't know why he's told me this several times but he really hates his
ex-wife like he never once said anything nice about her like he just hates her um
which that's fine that's not a really big deal um one important piece of evidence is years ago I guess
Josh gave Paul some criticism about his bad parenting and again I don't know why
Paul he told he told me this several times and I'm not sure why but um Paul doesn't take criticism very well
uh he's not very humble um like it just it pissed him off that Josh told him he did something
wrong um so that's that's a bad sign it's also a bad sign that um uh Paul and
Josh want nothing to do with each other yeah um that's a bad sign and now and now unfortunately um
I've reached the point where I I sent my mom an email yesterday say
saying uh I I I never want to even see her again I I now hate my mom and I hate
Paul like I mean I hate I hate everybody in the whole world right now now except my kids cuz my kids are innocent right I
love them um all right so the first major thing that Paul did wrong was
um when I was a kid Sarah was acting up and I don't know why he couldn't have
handled it better but he just banished her he kicked her out yeah right and that screwed her up right put put her
down a bad path yeah um I remember being very confused about it
like I remember wondering where where did Sarah go like no one even really explained it to me but it
did I like they'll tell you I was a great I was a really well- behaved um
young person um I've always been extremely respectful
to Paul I've always been completely obedient to him I did everything he told
me to do um I think I was afraid I well I was
afraid of him because I like I saw what happened to Sarah I was like oh man if I screw up I'm gonna get kicked out
too so that was it's just to kick a teenage
girl out when you know it's not even his kid
he married my mom he took the responsibility um honestly he's such a bad parent he should he should not have
been a parent like he he he should have just like had a condo or something and played golf every day or whatever he
wants to do cuz he just has no interest in being bothered by um I guess anything that
inconveniences him um yeah and so I walked on eggshells my whole life around him like
like extremely respectful and I I I'm not sure exactly
why I think it was cuz I was afraid um afraid of just being
respectful I was afraid of getting kicked out too I thought that would happen to me too okay
um anyways that's so terribly irresponsible
to do to a child though like can you imagine kicking like uh you know Marian
out if she misbehaves like you would never kick your baby out right no matter what their age
is well I mean it depends on what they did I mean i'
I've I've always I mean especially with Charles being 16 years old I I've
definitely been up the mindset that yeah you know if he if he's gonna not respect the the house rules
and disrespect me yeah he's gonna go he's gonna move outside of my home and
figure out what he needs to do oh curious okay yeah
although I tell you you are significantly different from Paul um I
guess mainly because you're we are Christians and sure Paul is not um and
frankly I'm I'm curious as to what his what drives him like what gives him
meaning and purpose in the world um it's certainly not me he's never spent time
with me ever like I've invited him over several times in the last couple of months and um yeah I don't know whatever
so that that's not a big deal um anyways that is troubling though that
he just uh gets rid of people that bother him yeah so that was I consider that
strike one and that was like years ago right decades ago
um so I didn't start having problems with him until I was a a young adult
when I started having my own personal problems I think as a result of of
childhood issues and uh as soon as I started having problems he did the same thing to
me and when I got back from Afghanistan oh I was super unwell of
course I was so unwell that's why I went to Afghanistan like it takes
us it takes a a disturbed kind kind of individual to want to go to war most people don't want to do that that's why
most people don't do it yeah right like I mean there there's
only a couple of reasons you you choose to go to war and unfortunately most of the people are actually like psychos and
want to kill people yeah um anyways um I was unprepared for the
uh I guess the consequences of the mass kill
and so when I got back I I I didn't even realize how bad I was doing um but you know one thing led to
another and it was Paul's decision to uh to send me to Massachusetts like just
just remove the problem right just get rid of it like I've always been a a problem for him like just a nuisance and
that's that's so cruel to do if you marry somebody who has kids like hey you
signed up for the job man like there not it's not optional anymore it was you
know and and stpp parenting I feel particularly strong about stpp parenting
because I'm a stepparent myself and you know how when your parents do something wrong as a child
like or when when you're a kid you like vow to not make the same mistake with your
kids right right yeah y like I I would never I can't ever
imagine um not only not protecting my girls but endangering them by you know
sending them out to who knows where they go right he he so I'm I'm I'm wondering if he's just
oblivious to the consequences of his actions um or he just doesn't
care and yeah I think he's deeply selfish like deeply deeply selfish and
that's the impression I've had my whole life of him and it's only recently became extremely clear okay because of
his recent just cruel Behavior like I I'm dumbfounded by
it yeah so him sending me to Massachusetts I think that was strike too because I was incredibly I mean I
was I was a disabled veteran how did parents not take care of uh you I I went to war like they could there was other
Solutions then sending me out of state cuz yeah I was unstable and vulnerable and what did I do I immediately jumped
into an abusive marriage right like I never would have done that if I had been
taken care of properly right
um oh yeah okay so then about a couple months ago he called me and uh you know I saw
my phone ring I was excited I was like oh Paul never calls me I thought maybe he was calling the I don't know be nice
or something or give some you know support or something
yeah that phone call let me tell you it was the single dumbest thing he's ever done in his life it was the worst phone
call I've ever received in my life with one phone call this guy
ruined my relationship with my mom he told me he told me I can't talk to her
he told me I stop talking to her like like now I'm not only disabled but I'm also just got divorced and
I and and in in one phone call my my relationship with my mom just
disappeared and um it was so dumbfounding at the time I I mean I couldn't even process it quick enough
but you know of course on the phone I say yes sir of course I won't I won't [ __ ] talk to my mom anymore um you
know it it was but the next few months I was I was actually rather devastated like like how dare
he tell me what kind of relationship to have with my mom now if my mom told me to you know not trouble her with my
problems that would be a different story but um that wasn't your mom the the
person that my mom has become I I don't even know who she is I think either Paul
is controlling her or my mom is just really submissive to him but either way
my mom is is complacent in this situation cuz she must know that Paul told me to to to to not have an
authentic genuine relationship like just cuz Paul doesn't have real relationships
with people like he has no right to to to like that's one relationship I never
thought I would lose right like I I never thought my mom would like I
thought my mom liked me and and like enjoyed my company like she's always giving me this impression that she likes
me you know at least a little bit I mean yeah so I've i' I'm completely
confused as to their priorities like I just like my mom survived cancer I'm
very glad she survived cancer okay but here's here's the here's strike four
okay and and this I I I don't want anything to do with these people really
ever again um they you know my I before my kids
came I I you I I I told them you know this is the the most important thing that's ever happened to me my kids
coming and staying with me and and again this is another thing I just never expected in a million years that my mom
would would not want to be a grandparent like I just assumed that you know and
this is really the first time in my life I've ever had my kids by myself in New York yeah and um and they they did not
want to see me or my kids and you know know so like they can like I'm sick of being
not treated with dignity myself but to not dignify my my my
children okay that's the final straw I cannot I cannot tolerate that that
is so incredibly unexcusable right like they're children
okay they're not me they're not Shayla they're innocent children okay that not
only need loving grandparents okay like they my kids don't have other grandparents okay like I am the best
thing my kids have in their life and I was really looking forward to like my
mom seeing me me parent because unlike how my parents made me
feel um I constantly validate my kids like I I constantly told them I was so
happy they they they came to stay with me and I made them feel welcome you know I spoiled them the best I could and I I
wanted my mom to see how how incredibly loving and caring I I I am and I'm just I'm so
dumbfounded that they wouldn't even dignify my my kids like my kids told me a while ago like they think that my
parents don't like them and I like of course they of course they like you
right but yeah they don't even like me like I don't like I already have this complex
where I I I um you know I'm I'm disabled and I I don't have a lot of friends and
stuff like but I you know I I had at least some sort of relationship with my mom like I don't know what consequence
Paul thought would happen for him telling me to to like I don't know what he was
thinking I I think he was thinking like oh that's a problem solved like like after he called me he like you know
that's a check that list off you know check that off the list there's you know one problem we don't have to deal
with um right so yeah that's incredibly
hurtful like I I'm just so I
so I I have I just I I I really don't want to ever see him again like there's
no reason to like they don't like me they they don't they certainly don't love me like by no definition of Love is
what they do like at least for me and I don't know if it's just me I think it's I think it's Paul I think I think Paul
is scared of me for one I think he's scared of me I think he's scared that um
either going to be a burden to him or I'm going to inconvenience him or I'm going to like upset my mom and then that
and then he's going to have to deal with it but it's just it's so incredibly selfish
of him like how dare he tell me what kind of relationship to have with my own
mom like that's one of the few relationships in like in human existence
you know a a son and and their mom right yeah well that's what I was that's what
I was uh wondering earlier was like is it is it Paul
uh playing the role of protector because he was told that how dare he try to
protect my mom from her own children though like right well well that's what
I mean like so it's it's not at this level like you're an adult and they're
they're adults so it's not it's not really about like children it's about adult an adult right right well and so I
could handle them you know not resp me but to to disrespect my children in in
such a grotesque fashion is just I think it's inexcusable
like yeah like where what like I'm sorry my mom survived cancer why why what why
why would she survive cancer and not want to be a grandparent that doesn't make any sense like what is she doing
with her life I mean she can do whatever she wants but I mean I I I guess it's got
nothing to do with me anymore and you know Paul's made this really clear to me like I mean at least a million times
like that um that I'm just not that important to
them and that's that's so messed up cuz it's just so messed up and it's a big
reason why I'm messed up yeah like it's it's it's it's absolutely a chain of events and
consequences of of of Paul being a selfish man
like I mean he should not like
I I don't know man I like I I um
um it's just it's made it made me reflect upon my entire life of
interactions with him and um so I guess it's not it's not good the
conclusion but it is good that I'm at least recognizing it like I was going to realize it eventually um had they just
visited my kids I I it would not have I would not have gone to strike four cuz I guess I could handle him killing my
relationship with my mom but um like what is so unlikable about me and my
kids like what did my kids do to her yeah like yeah I don't I don't know
they're children man but but that's how they treated me as a kid right
like so I just I don't know man it's
um I'm curious because like you know I think I've said this before that like
you know being in a marriage like I I often make
decisions based on you know what my wife and I talk about you know so like I feel
like I don't feel like Paul specifically would make a decision to
like call you up and be like don't talk to your mom no but he was he was solving a problem that I guess um you know if I
if I have some sort of issue and and and I and I would you know tell my mom about
it and then she would worry about it and that would irritate Paul like he just doesn't want to be bothered like yeah
like I mean not only like my whole life has he never spent any time with me like he just he
he it's just it's wrong to marry a woman that has kids and then just disrespect the kids so much like and straight up
like not only did he fail to protect me and Sarah but he directly endangered us
both like severely endangered us both like Sarah could have gotten killed or
raped or something in jail you know what I mean like and me going to Massachusetts I could have been [ __ ]
killed by by you know an abusive partner um yeah it's just this is not how you
treat people you love like this is how you treat people that are bothersome to you you just get rid of them like
and that's just it's it's so unacceptable but there's also nothing I
can do about it um and I'm actually kind of respecting them by like you know I
sent my mom a short email saying you know this is it's very confusing
um you know I'm not allowed to say anything negative but I said I'm I'm very bitter and that's the that's that's
the only thing she gets to know about me for the rest of her life is cuz cuz like
I mean like if you want to just pretend like if you have a kid and the kid has a
problem and you just bury your head in the sand the problem doesn't go away yeah and and it's
just um Paul doesn't see anyue in me he does
not respect anything about me he doesn't think I can contribute in any
way um and it's it it's it's just frankly unacceptable and yeah it was only a
matter of time but before I realized this although he's always been
selfish I mean he's one step below evil I'll tell you he's not evil but he is
um a terrible parent like he should not have married a woman
that has kids and then and then just be so awful like I'm severely messed up partly
because of such of such terrible parenting and and and and they just they
couldn't care less so I don't know you know it's it's a new chapter of my life
and you know I don't need them for anything but you know my mom was my friend
like I liked talking to her about not just problems we talked about a lot of
stuff like sure her and I were going to we were going to uh support each other through this election season cuz we were
both very concerned that you know if Donald Trump won again um you know like
my mom and I we we connect on a lot of levels and I've never connected with Paul so it's just it's really messed up
for him to um yeah it's just messed up it's messed
up like yeah yeah I think I think
um you know makes me think about like my
uh you know you know mistakes that I've done in parenting and like the you know
the feeling the feeling of like you know what's what's my uh life
going to look like if my child you know chooses to do certain things and the
decisions that I make you know like I don't I don't actually know how I'm going to handle like certain certain
things but I do Wonder like I do I I don't I don't know I I
guess I guess I I I want to go back to like how I feel like Paul wouldn't just
like make that decision for your mom like if if your mom I feel like your mom um probably
wanted Paul to call you and talk to you I'm doubtful that she wanted it but it's
possible I mean so either my mom is being cohered or
just submissive or I just don't even know who she is that's even more disturbing
though um yeah that it's it's you know my grandma my mom's mom loved me so
much like and I just expected this the the same relation the the the the the
same at least at least pretend it like they could have at least pretended for the sake of the children to make them
feel validated and dignity like dignified
um who are you hang hang on what do you
meano where's Uno noide
to um so I do feel I do feel better having explained that to you thank you for
listening um I I guess two more really quick things
um I I I guess I'm also not comfortable talking to Sarah anymore either um she
Sarah I think Paul screwed her up so bad that I mean Sarah is not nice to me for some
reason um like maybe she thinks she is but like she says really mean like
unthoughtful things to me um and and you know I I I I sent a video
of me singing and Sarah just sent me a comment like not to slander my f her family in in in the
comments and you know it's just like I don't know I don't know I I
don't think I can even talk to Sarah about this so I think I'm just going to avoid Sarah for a while um which sucks I
mean this puts me in a in a tough situation where it's just I have nobody and I guess it's up to me to uh you know
make make something of myself or or not like who knows you know my mom survived
cancer but at this point I mean Paul is probably going to outlive me man I'm
that unhealthy right but I supported my mom while she was getting treatment right
and the the problem I have there is no cure okay there's there's not even
really treatment for it it's that severe of a disorder um and I'm so unhealthy like I
I I'm like I'm going to die alone man like I'm just going to die alone and and
and that's that's depressing um that's really depressing I mean I don't know when I'm going to die
alone but like if I died in my apartment how long would it take somebody to even realize like that sucks like I'm cap of
having you know loving robust relationships and I had that with my
mom but I don't know I I don't know I don't know does she does she she does like
your kids though right like H yes yes she she loves my
kids yeah so what a hypocrite I'm sorry what's wrong with me like why can't I
get some validation too like but but this is how I felt my whole life you
know anyways okay um what one positive thing I wanted to share with you I got some positive
spiritual news for you right um well so I've been I've been uh
contemplating returning to uh Church in some fashion um yeah it although
returning as a just a regular parishioner um feels unbearable like
it's just it's completely unnecessary like I I would not enjoy it I would not
get much out of it I mean maybe eventually I would meet people and make friends but that's not even remotely
what I'm interested in just going to church and sitting and you know that's
not me at all um yeah but I found uh well at through through prayer and
perhaps divine revelation um I I I uh I
did find a pathway you ready for this um I want to take a strong leadership
role and so I'm going to um um find a church maybe one in the
area I'm not sure where yet I think God may have the church picked out I just don't know yet but I want to be like an
associate pastor in training um oh nice yeah strong
leadership role check this out a whole this makes sense for to me in a whole
bunch of ways um one thing I could do is um well I would be excited to go to if I
was a leader and that's my capacity um that's what I want to do that's what I'm
really good at you know I'm I'm sad that Paul can't respect me as a veteran you know like I
have some skills that I could even teach him you you know I mean the the the the
military like completely screwed me up but it also did give me a couple of good skills and Leadership is is one of them
um yeah Paul has extremely poor leadership um terrible like uh uh like I'm
surprised he ran his business successfully cuz he constantly had
problems with everybody he worked with um he was just not a good leader like I
think he's I think he's just easily irritated
you all right man I'll let you go um uh one more thing about the about uh
going to church as a leader right I could do something like you know how they have somebody else go and read the
announcements before the real Pastor comes out I could totally do that or or
something similar to that but one thing I want to as an offering to the
congregation um I can offer my skills as a counselor I can do four different
types of counseling I can do uh crisis counseling I can do bement counseling I
can do premarital counseling and even for the young for for for for the young people I could do career counseling like
and so you know if I if I was a a leader in the church you know people would get to know me and if anybody had you know
needed crisis counseling like you need somebody on hand for that yeah and um
that's something I can do with such passion and love
and um like I am a really good counselor
like not only have I been in counseling myself for over 20 years uh so I I know a thing or two about it but you know I'm
fully trained I have my Master's Degree I did I did over a thousand hours of of
internships and uh so you know this this could be good for me right like yeah so
that's a pathway to go back to church oh and possibly I could do I could even play on the worship team or whatever but
um a leadership role in the church that's what I could see myself doing and
and see myself excited about yeah but just going to church and just being uh just going that does not
sound exciting at all cuz frankly I am I am um so um skilled at um well a lot of
different things but let me tell you I know the Bible inside and out I have studied studied it I mean I've been
studying I've been a Christian for over 10 years now a believing Christian and you know I've got a lot of
free time I'm also a scientist and a philosopher so I study thing like things like Theology and I study theology every
day like every single day so so and and you know the Bible says if you're going to try to teach the word of God you
better do it right because if you do it wrong you're in big trouble with God like don't teach bad theology so there
there's a warning to but I'm prepared cuz I'm um yeah oh yeah okay thank you for
listening man I appreciate it yeah no problem all right have a good day D yeah God bless
you man thank you for listening all right bye