I’ve been consumed lately by a grinding process of evaluation. I’m taking stock of my life, my choices, and, most painfully, the quality of the people around me—which is to say, there’s no one left. It's a sad realization because I honestly think I’m a pretty cool guy. But my friends are gone, and my family, for reasons I can't grasp, seems utterly indifferent to my existence.
I’m not just a little disabled; I’m living with a terminal illness that is slowly killing me. I don’t know how much longer I have. I’m not suicidal, but I am slowly committing suicide by being unhealthy, a condition that’s tragically intertwined with my disability. What truly fuels my anger is the way the few people I thought I could rely on—my family—have abandoned me. They all have their excuses as to why they won’t treat me with dignity, spend time with me, or even engage with me on anything that matters.
I know other people have their own lives, but if you truly care about someone—especially a disabled veteran who just got divorced and is living alone—you have to show it. I live with the suspicion that my issues are just too off-putting, or that there is something profoundly unlikable about me. This confirms the low self-esteem I’ve always carried, likely because no one in my life has ever treated me with genuine respect or made me feel like they cared. Not one single person.
My music, the songs I sing and play, has become my only real outlet. It’s the only way I can express any sort of emotion to anyone outside of myself. I’ve been working on a piano cover of Paul McCartney’s “Let It Be,” and it's a lovely song—just let it be in hard times, or in your darkest hour. But the answer the song suggests, I fear, is simply death.
On one of my many takes of the song, I started injecting commentary, communicating with myself through the titles and descriptions: "Try not to be angry all the time, just let it be." Accept the things you can’t change. I can’t change that nobody likes me.
I used to want to contribute to society, to serve humanity, but I am now so broken down, disabled, and alone that I’ve frankly stopped giving a damn. What else am I supposed to do? The good news, if there is any, is that I am a grown man and self-sufficient. I don’t need anybody.
The irony of being a Christian is not lost on me—what a goddamn joke. Christians are taught not to rely on anyone but God, yet they are explicitly commanded to care for each other. That exception should apply to my family, but since my mom and her husband, Paul, aren't Christians, they must feel free to be as selfish as they want. They have no obligation to care about anything but themselves.
My mom survived cancer, and for what? To ignore me? She refused to see my own children when they came to visit. I have lost all respect for her. I used to care deeply for her, but my theory now is that she’s highly agreeable and just does whatever the hell Paul tells her. Paul actually called me and told me to stop having an "authentic relationship" with my mom—don’t bother her, don’t burden her, she survived cancer, so just leave her alone. At this rate, she’s going to outlive me, which defies the natural order of things, and it makes no sense.
My mom abandoned me. She won’t engage with me; she doesn't like my music. I think she doesn't like me, or maybe Paul doesn't like me or is scared of me—it’s something selfish and stupid, but I don’t know what his problem is. He’s probably going to outlive me, too, even though he's decades older and in perfect health.
The only cure for my disease would be some loving support from someone. I just got divorced, so my wife is gone. I moved back to my hometown thinking I’d see my mom once a week, or my sister, who has even less of an excuse because she's a Christian and, I believe, a hypocritical one. I reached out to her directly, asking for nothing but time, but she doesn't like visiting or my dogs.
My dogs are probably the only thing in the universe I really, truly like, besides my children—they are the only people in the whole world I like.
I have a strong suspicion that “letting it be” is impossible for me because the reality is I am so full of anger. I hate the entire world and everybody in it. And you know what? No one cares. The people closest to me don’t give a damn, and at this point, I don’t even care about myself. If I don’t care about myself, there’s almost no hope.
I believe the prime reason I hate the world is that I don’t even have a single friend. I think I’m a cool person, I think I’m really funny, and I think I’m brilliant—but I’m not smart enough to save myself. It’s not about intelligence, it's that I don't care anymore. My mom survived cancer, and I cared about her then. Now I’m dying of a brain disease, and she couldn't care less. So, I’ve decided I don’t give a damn about anybody or anything. I don’t even like myself, so I’m not surprised nobody else likes me either.
My whole life I just let it be. I let people push me around and treat me with no dignity, a pattern I think started with severe childhood trauma. I’ve never felt at peace. I was so screwed up as a child, and now here I am, utterly alone and disabled and miserable. I am incredibly hard to live with, especially for myself.
I have no reason to live. I don't think anyone has ever truly cared about me. I used to love my mom, and now I hope she outlives me just so she has to see me die—which is a disgusting, backwards thought. I think I dove into Christianity out of desperation to be loved. I liked the thought that God loves me, but now I feel I'm just pretending to have a relationship with something invisible. If God is real, he could send one Christian into my life, but I don’t think I’ve ever met a real one. I think I’m the best Christian I’ve ever met because I’m an empath and I care about others.
Life is hell, and frankly, I could just do without it. I’ve been open with the closest people in my life about my struggle, telling them I’m struggling to find purpose and meaning, asking them to visit, but maybe they pick up on the fact that I don’t like myself, and that makes me unlikable.
I do like playing the piano, though. Now that I’m finally grasping music theory and how to play the instrument, it's opening up and becoming fun. I’m thinking about practicing four hours a day, at least. Who knows how long I have? I could die tomorrow, and not only would nobody care, but nobody would even miss me. Actions speak louder than the empty words my family would say.
I want to end on a positive note. I still desperately want to believe there’s purpose and meaning in the universe, though biologically, my only purpose—procreation—is a failure. I will keep indulging this imaginary relationship with God. I know I have bad PTSD and am terrified of the world, and I’m not going to let anyone new into my life. So, I’m never going to get better.
This video was so depressing. I tried to just let it be. God knows my heart. He must have some mysterious plan for me besides a miserable, lonely death—some miraculous healing or a meaningful relationship. But if that’s all it is, I can’t help but think it’s cruel. I never really had a chance, screwed up by bad parents and then moving from one bad situation to another. Now I’m just dying alone. I wonder if I died in my apartment how long it would take someone to notice.
I Dare Anyone Brave Enough to Watch This Entire Video! Warning: It’s Depressing and Real. (Part 1)
Transcript
I've been doing a lot of processing
lately um evaluating my life my
evaluating My Life
Choices evaluating the quality of the
people around me which there's nobody
around me
anymore it's sad cuz
um I think I'm a pretty [ __ ] cool guy
but
um I don't have any friends and uh my
family
uh for some
reason it see seemingly couldn't give a
[ __ ] about me I
mean I'm disabled and I just got
divorced like I'm not just a little bit
disabled like
it's like a terminal illness
disability
like I'm slowly killing
myself I'm afraid that I um quite
frankly
I I don't know how much longer I have to
live I mean I'm not suicidal or anything
but I am slow committing suicide
by being very unhealthy but that's also
part of the
disability I'm just angry that the the
few people that
I thought I could rely on my my
family they've all got excus
is as to why they
don't um treat me with any kind of
dignity or respect why they don't want
to spend any time with me um why they
refuse to even engage with me on
anything that matters to me that's why
they don't treat me with I feel like
they don't treat me with dignity CU um
I understand other people have you know
their own lives and
whatnot but if you care about somebody
you know you have to do something to
show it and you know if if somebody is a
disabled veteran and just got divorced
and lives alone
and I'm not even going to get into the
details of my
issues but
apparently maybe my issues are are are
so off-putting or there's something very
unlikable about
me but you know I feel like I've always
had low
self-esteem and uh perhaps this is why
because nobody in my life has ever
treated me with respect and dignity no
one in my life has
ever made me feel like they care about
me no one not one [ __ ]
person you
know not only are the songs that I sing
often therapeutic
but they are my
only real
like
Outlet to express any sort of emotion to
anybody outside of
myself anyways I've
been doing a piano cover of The
Beatles Paul
McCartney's let it
be and what a lovely song
just let it be you know
even you know in hard times or in your
darkest
hour or you know the Brokenhearted
people just just let it be the you know
there will be an answer
somehow I think that answer is death
anyways I've
um I think I did uh I'm on take eight of
Let It Be
and around take six I started really
injecting more commentary at least into
the the comments and the the
titles and I uh in one video I
communicate with myself through my
videos um so I I put you know try not to
be angry all the time just let it be
just you know let it
be you know accept the things you can't
change I can't change that nobody likes
me change the things I can
which I used to want to serve Humanity
or do something for the greater good or
uh contribute to
society but not only am I so broken down
and
disabled and
alone that frankly I I I kind of stop
giving a [ __ ] I mean what else am I
supposed to do
well the good news is I can I am a grown
man and I am self-sufficient at least
and so I don't need
anybody as a Christian as a [ __ ]
Christian what a joke what a [ __ ]
joke anyways Christians are taught to um
not rely on anybody else except God with
one
exception Christians are commanded to
care for each
other so
that kind of gives my mom and Paul a uh
free path they're not Christians so they
can be selfish pricks all they want and
there's no no condemnation for
them they're not obligated
to [ __ ] care about any anything but
what they do who the [ __ ] knows what
they do my mom survived
cancer and for what survive cancer to so
she can [ __ ] do
what and ignore me just completely
[ __ ] ignore me my Goddamn children
came
and she refused to see them I have lost
all respect frankly I'm I mean I I I I
did deeply care like I I used to deeply
deeply care about a few things and my
mom was one of them
but my theory is that she is uh highly
agreeable and
uh she does whatever [ __ ] and Paul tells
her to do and Paul called me and told me
to stop having an authentic relationship
with my mom like don't bother her don't
don't tell her about my problems don't
[ __ ] burden her she survived cancer
so [ __ ] leave her
alone at this point at this rate she's
going to [ __ ] outli
me
like the universe does does not make
sense to me it just doesn't make sense
it doesn't make sense how my mom
abandoned me like I'm I mean I'm [ __ ]
40 years old but she doesn't even want
to engage with me in any
way she doesn't want to
um well she doesn't like my
music frankly I don't think she likes me
or I think Paul doesn't like me or I
think Paul's scared of me or something
something completely selfish and and
[ __ ] stupid I don't know what his
problem
is but you know at this rate he's
probably going to out with me too he's
[ __ ] like 30 or 40 years older than
me I think he's in perfect health
I have a disease that really the only
cure would be
um some loving support from someone
someone I mean you I just got divorced
so my wife I don't have a wife anymore
so I I I moved back to my hometown area
thinking oh yeah I'll see my mom maybe
you know once a week I'll see my
sister now my sister has no excuse for
being an [ __ ] because she's a
Christian and a hypocritical one at
that um because I directly reached out
to her asking for just not even anything
particular just hey come spend some time
with me but uh she doesn't like visiting
she doesn't like my
dogs sorry my dogs are probably the only
thing in the universe that I really
really like except my kids my kids are
the only people in the whole
world I
like
uh
so I wrote a very depressing message I
wanted to read
out so not only did I do eight takes
of Let It Be
but the eight takes probably equated to
like 40 videos
because not only did I
put a bunch of them on a bunch of
different channels but also you know if
it's a three minute song I could do
three shorts out of a three minute song
so I had quite a few opportunities to
fill in a title and the description and
and make some comments and this is this
is what I've come up with I tried really
hard
to just let it
be I'm trying to just let it be I'm
trying to just ignore all my feelings
and all my
Grievances and just let it be but I have
a strong suspicion
that that's
impossible because
the reality is I am so [ __ ] full of
anger I hate the entire world and
everybody in
it and you know what nobody get no no
one cares no one gives a [ __ ] so the few
people closes to me don't give a [ __ ]
and at this point I I don't even care
about myself
so there's almost no
hope like if I don't care about
myself there's no hope there's no hope
there's no hope of getting better as
part of the disability like but if I had
just I don't know some family to talk to
about it or something but you know
[ __ ] prick Paul told me to not talk
to my mom
anymore [ __ ] selfish [ __ ]
so I think the prime reason that I um I
hate the whole world and everybody in it
with the exception of my two
kids I think that's the prime the prime
reason that I hate the whole world is
because
um I don't I don't have even a single
[ __ ] friend
like I don't know I don't know what I
was expecting from anybody but um I
think I'm a pretty
cool person I think I'm funny I think
I'm really funny actually
um I think I'm [ __ ] super intelligent
like very brilliant unfortunately not
smart enough to save myself so but it
it's it's not a about matter of being
smart it's that I don't care
anymore you know in in combination with
you know disabilities that are
uncurable you know my mom had [ __ ]
cancer and she survived it like I I I
know she went through a lot she had to
get a lot of treatment and whatnot
but like I cared about her when she had
cancer and now I'm
dying of a [ __ ] disease a [ __ ]
brain disease and uh you
know my mom couldn't couldn't [ __ ]
care less she couldn't care
less so you know what I don't give a
[ __ ] about anybody or anyone I don't
even like
myself so I'm not really surprised
that nobody else likes me
either you know my whole life I just let
it be like I just let it be I let other
people push me around I let I let
um I let other people treat me with with
no dignity but I think I think I grew up
not being treated with dignity
so I think it was a learned thing of
course I was also severely
traumatized as a child
so I've never felt at peace my entire
life I [ __ ] pissed the bed until like
seventh grade that's a
huge red flag that something really bad
happened to
me surprised I'm not a
psychopath so whose fault is it that
something happened to me when I was a
child other than my mom like who who
else could take responsibility for it I
mean I I guess I can can yeah oh it's my
fault that I got [ __ ] molested or
whatever the [ __ ] happened to
me so my whole life I just let it be so
I can't just let it be not not with this
and not this
time nobody can make me
likable nobody can help me with that I
mean other than maybe my parents they
they might be able to uh you know have
some leadership or some parenting skills
or something but they
um this is how little they care about me
they refuse to see my children when they
came to stay with me for a few
weeks if my grandma was still alive if
my mom's mom was still alive I I would I
would go and tell her what a
[ __ ] [ __ ] my mom is being a a as a
grandparent my grandma would be very
disappointed my Grandma loved
me now my parents are robbing my
children of of any kind of grandparent
experience [ __ ] selfish it's it
it's it's inexcusable it's
unacceptable so nobody can make me
likable nobody can even make me want to
live I've been compulsively smoking
tobacco like that's part of what's
killing me it's slow
suicide but I just I don't have any
reason to live I don't have any reason I
don't I don't have any [ __ ] reason to
live and not that anybody's trying or
anything
like I don't think anyone has ever cared
about me really I mean
nobody nobody in my entire life has for
example like have I been the the most
important
person I mean not my wife and that was
unfortunate it but my mom why why the
hell did she turn on me
like what the hell is wrong with
me
that I I I don't understand I I I used
to really love my mom and and frankly I
don't ever even want to [ __ ] see her
again and I hope that she outlives me I
hope she has to see me [ __ ] die
it's
disgusting that's not how it's supposed
to work children are supposed to outlive
their
parents but um oh I know she's too
fragile to what [ __ ]
uh give me any emotional support or any
or anything I can't even talk to her
anymore [ __ ] Paul forbid me from
talking to her
I don't think I've ever been loved in my
life I think that's one reason I I
really dove into Christianity was I was
so desperate to be loved and when I was
told that God loves you I was like well
that that's appealing that sounds
good you know I like to think I have a
personal relationship with God
that's some serious mental ill illness
[ __ ] right there like oh I'm pretending
to have a relationship with something
[ __ ]
invisible Mr Almighty could just [ __ ]
send one Christian into my life one one
Christian but I don't think I've ever
even met a real Christian in my life not
one not one I think I'm the best
Christian I've ever met
because I'm an empath I care about other
people so it was easy for me to be a
Christian I don't think anyone's ever
cared about me I used to care about what
other people want but right now I I
really couldn't care
less you know it's just life is
hell and frankly I can I I I could just
do without it I mean I I just I I just
don't care anymore like here I am back
into
denialism like I told the all the
closest people in my life that I'm
struggling with finding purpose and
meaning you know hey could you come
visit
me but I get maybe there picking up on
that I don't like myself
so like I'm unlikable or something like
[ __ ] it who
get I do really like playing piano I
really like playing piano a lot I've
decided that I'm going to um now that
I've finally um kind of understand the
big picture of Music Theory and how to
how to play the instrument it's finally
like opening up and it's a lot more fun
now I'm thinking about taking it
very much more seriously like playing
practicing like four hours a day at
least
and who knows how much longer I had to
live a year maybe two 10 who knows I
could die
tomorrow and uh Not only would nobody
care but no nobody would even miss me
I mean if my [ __ ] [ __ ] family says
that they would miss me like they're
[ __ ] lying CU I'm here now and they
couldn't care less so
like actions do speak louder than words
in this
case but I would like to end on a
positive note
so I still really want to believe
that there's purpose and meaning in the
universe I think that if there is no God
then there just is no purpose to
anything like what procreation well I
failed at that so um like biologically
that's the only purpose there is to just
[ __ ] [ __ ]
and
multiply and I I failed at that I I
utterly failed at that so so you know
there maybe there's purpose in in other
things but all right I'm really I'm
trying really hard to end on a good note
here I really want to believe there's a
God and so I'm going to keep indulging
this [ __ ] imaginary
relationship um it's imaginary because
it's [ __ ] One Direction like it's me
[ __ ] talking to
myself
um there's no Supernatural
intervention there's no
Miracles um it's not even really any
guidance
or from Mr Almighty I'm saying like it's
just all he has to do is send one
Christian into my life I am
receptive in fact I'm receptive to the
[ __ ] imaginary relationship so
um but the thing is I've got such bad
PTSD I'm terrified of the world and
frankly I don't even want
to meet new people I don't trust anybody
so I'm not going to allow anybody into
my life
so I'm never going to get better
like well this was really really
depressing
fortunately I predict that nobody will
even watch this or listen to it so here
I am speaking into the void
again [ __ ] me [ __ ] my life
man [ __ ] the
world that's that you
know if God is real God knows my
heart and if God knows my heart then I
mean he must have some [ __ ] super
mysterious plan for me other than just a
miserable lonely
death um you know some sort of like
lesson or some miraculous healing or you
know some you know maybe some meaningful
relationship with another
human like he must have something
planned for me like it can't just be a
miserable lonely death
and if that's what it
is I can't help but think that's [ __ ]
cruel like I never really had a chance
because I was so screwed up as a child I
had such bad
parents and then I just went from one
bad situation to another and now here I
am utterly
just alone and disabled and [ __ ]
miserable
like I'm really hard to live with
myself wow I did not expect this video
to be so dog on depressing
wow I really tried to let it be I tried
I tried I tried just let it be I tried
to let it
be I'm still open to it God could change
my heart any time my like I'm inviting
God to just come in and and and rework
me he's got the
power but apparently not
the Apparently not the um that's not in
the plan the plan is for me to just have
suffer like I understand life is
suffering but um you know there's got to
be some some some light at the end of
the tunnel for the suffering but for me
it just dying alone
yeah
wow I wonder if I died in my apartment
how long it would take somebody to
notice
man that's
depressing what the [ __ ] [ __ ] me