I can’t help the fact that I’m consumed by anger; it's been building for a long time. As I process my life and try to make sense of it, the thing that leaves me most dumbfounded is my mom's abandonment. I simply don’t understand how she could do what she did.
I know she’s not stupid. She has normal adult friends whom she treats with dignity, because she knows if she treated them badly, they wouldn’t stick around. She taught me how to be a decent person, and I genuinely thought she was one, and an empath like me. Now I’m just confused about why they don't love me—or even like me. Their behavior in no way meets the definition of love.
My mom's husband, Paul, is clearly afraid of me—afraid I’ll be a burden or cramp his style. I invited him over several times, telling him I had fun things for us to do, but he’d rather go golfing every day. What truly overstepped his bounds was telling me not to have an authentic, genuine relationship with my own mother. How dare he? This is his second wife; this is my only mom. He commanded me to cease having a normal relationship with her, to get out of the way.
I believe he was probably proud of himself after that call, thinking he had checked a burdensome problem off his list and that his wife wouldn't be bothered anymore. I was blindsided and so stunned I could barely process it, but I complied immediately out of respect. I never expected him to command something so destructive and devastating.
I don’t think Paul is an evil man, just fundamentally selfish and a terrible parent. He’s the kind of person who should live in a condo on the beach and spend all his money on himself—he should not have married a woman who had children.
Because of my messed-up childhood trauma—for which I believe my parents hold responsibility—I hated myself so much by 2007 that I wanted to die. I joined the Marine Corps, thinking it would be a heroic way to die, a step above suicide. When I returned from Afghanistan, not realizing how unstable I was, Paul decided I was such a burden that I had to go out of state for VA care. I was homeless. They sent a war veteran with trauma to another state and essentially said, "Go take care of yourself."
Unsurprisingly, one of the worst-case scenarios happened: I was vulnerable and ended up in a severely abusive marriage. Paul and my mother prioritized their comfort and privacy over my well-being. A loving parent would have let me live with them or helped me find a place; instead, he seemed content for me to die or ruin my life elsewhere, as long as I wasn't inconveniencing him.
I returned from Afghanistan drinking heavily, and he was so oblivious that he didn’t even notice when I drove drunk from his house, which led to a crash and my arrest. That was neglectful, oblivious, and bad parenting. Then, while I was away at military training in Mississippi, he selfishly decided to marry my mom. He had lived with her unmarried for two decades, but he couldn't wait a couple of weeks for me to be there.
He also has a son who was a few years older than me. Paul never allowed me to work at his car shop or learn from him because he didn't want the "problems" he had with his own son—he wasn't willing to be a responsible, mature parent. When his own son later told him what a terrible father he was, Paul's response was not humility, but anger and banishment: "Screw him, I don't ever want to see him again." He has the same response to me: banishment is his solution to everything.
What I find absolutely unacceptable is the treatment of my stepchildren. I could have walked away after the divorce, but I chose to be a selfless parent to them. I love them so much, and I’m so proud of them. I thought my mom and Paul would be proud of me for my dedication to them, especially since they are not my biological kids.
Instead, they took their dislike for me out on innocent children. They refused to even dignify my girls with a visit when they came to stay with me for weeks. My children deserve grandparents and the love that comes with that relationship. Paul and my mom see and do things with their other grandkids, but not mine. They wouldn't even pretend for the sake of the children. They've ruined their legacy as far as I'm concerned. I hate them both now.
My kids are not dumb. They know my parents are pieces of garbage who dislike them so much they won't even visit. That must be an awful feeling for a child. I'm doing everything I can to make them feel loved and safe, constantly reassuring them. My stepdaughter, Mia, is the first person in my entire life to give me the impression that she loves me enough that she wants me to live longer. She told me to quit smoking so I can be around, knowing I'm likely to be the only grandparent she has.
They are the best thing in my life. I think that if my parents treat their grandchildren like this, they must have done terrible things to me as a child. It’s depressing to realize what terrible parents I had, but unlike them, I'm determined not to repeat the pattern. I just can’t go back to being naive about how selfish and scummy Paul is. He married my mother and then proceeded to destroy one of the few safe relationships I thought I had left.
I am suffering all the consequences of this man being a terrible parent, and now, I’m so screwed up that I don’t even want to venture out and meet people. He's way healthier and more successful than me, proving that being empathetic and caring does not translate to a happy life. He banished me because I was an inconvenience. He doesn't want me to talk to my mom about problems because it might upset her and inconvenience him.
He would rather bury his head in the sand than be a decent person. I hate the world and everybody in it. I have lost all respect for both him and my mom. I am the one doing the banishing now. He got the result he wanted: I'm gone from their life. But the emotional cost has been astronomical. What the hell.
Transcript
I I can't help it I can't fake it I'm um extremely
angry I've been angry for a long time this is not anything
new but as I'm processing my life trying to make sense of
it the the thing I'm most dumbfounded by
is my mom I just I don't understand I do not
understand how she could do what she
did well I mean I guess you can't fake liking somebody like um
because I know she's not stupid she's actually uh you know she has other um you know normal adult friends
that you know she treats with dignity because she knows if she treated them like [ __ ] they wouldn't be friends like
she taught me this like I know how how to be a decent person partly because you
know she she she taught me but I also thought she was a decent person and a I
thought her and I were both empaths actually um I thought maybe that's where
I got my empathy from but I'm just
so confused
how well I'm confused why they don't like
me I mean little them love they don't they certainly don't [ __ ] love me they do not love me like in no
way does their behavior towards me meet the definition of loving no way none not
at all um Paul is
clearly afraid of me I think he's afraid I'm going to be like some sort of burden
on him or I'm gonna like cramp his style or something or he's going to have to like take care of me or even spend a few
minutes with me I invited him over several times I
was like I got a bunch of fun stuff to do with you just come over you know but he he can go golfing
every day and he talk about [ __ ]
priorities but he overstepped his bounds by telling me not to have a authentic
genuine relationship with my mom like how dare he
like this is partly why the universe doesn't make sense to me cuz I mean I used to believe
that um you know one of the strongest relationships that humans have with each
other would be the bond between a a son and a mother like I I respected her I
loved her I cherished her I mean I you know I used to think I mean even if
I had no friends in the whole world like I would you know I could I would be like
well I at least I at least my mom loves me and you know I can I I can always talk to her if I about
anything but how dare Paul like this is his second wife okay
this is my only mom like how dare he tell me what kind
of relationship to have with my mom like my mom can tell me but how dare he
[ __ ] tell me and I don't know what sort of consequence he thought that was
going to happen from that I'm sure after he called me you know he was probably real proud of himself like I checked off
that that [ __ ] problem off the list that [ __ ] burdensome [ __ ] isn't going to be bothering my wife
anymore like I'm sure he was real proud of himself like I solved that problem you know with no awareness of like the
consequence of of of it and I'm actually I was when he told
me that I was like yes sir of course of course like because I'm respectful of course I was also like
blindsided and dumbfounded and I didn't I I I I couldn't even process it quick enough like I I never in a million years
thought he would call me and and command me to do something so
destructive and devastating like like cease having a normal
relationship with your mom cease get out of get out of
here like I don't think he's a bad man I just think he's
selfish um I think he's a terrible parent like just terrible parent
like some people should not be parents this guy should not be a parent this guy should be like living in a [ __ ] condo
on the beach and spending all his money on himself and golfing you know he should not be a parent and he should not
have married a woman that had [ __ ] children that's for
sure so I had such a messed up childhood right that I um 2007 when I
graduated with my bachelor's degree from Sunni albony I hated myself I hated life I had no
idea why um probably because of [ __ ] traumatic childhood which again who's
who's responsible for a child having a [ __ ] trauma right and
not not doing anything about it like so anyways I hated myself so much in 2007 I
wanted to die and so I joined the Marine Corps cuz you know I didn't want to just kill
myself that's kind of lame you know so I I thought what's the most dangerous thing I could do like go to go to war
and you know to be fair it takes a special kind of unhealthy person to want to go to war
like normal people don't want to go to war you know unless you want to go for
some for some alternate reason which I wanted to go um because I thought it
would be like you know at the very least a heroic way to die you know I'm sure a
lot of sick [ __ ] go to war because they want to kill people it's part of my PTSD killed
[ __ ] thousands of
people and then I come back from Afghanistan I didn't even realize how messed up I
am and this guy Paul he was the one that decided decited that uh you know
I that I had to uh I was such a
burden that that um I had to go out of state I had to go to
Massachusetts to get VA care I was homeless like what did they think was
going to happen to a you know extremely
I guess rattled to say the least or um unstable at least you know was going to
happen send to another state you know best case scenario they they they survive I guess but you know
one of the worst case scenarios happened to me um I was
vulnerable and I ended up meeting Shayla um and I got
married and I ended up been a [ __ ] abusive marriage like severely
abusive like I mean I guess it's a no-brainer what what would you think would happen if you send a a a war
veteran nonetheless but just anybody with trauma to another state and say here just go [ __ ] take care of
yourself like you know cuz he didn't want to be
burdened at all by me not at all it would be better for me to go [ __ ] die in another state or you know getting an
abusive you know marriage or what whatever he he didn't care as long as I wasn't bothering him because you know
loving parents you know what they would have done they would have [ __ ] taken care of me I mean I could have lived with them they could have helped me get
my own place uh you know eventually I you know I got military benefits but I
think he was just worried about like himself his own like [ __ ] privacy or
U [ __ ] money or
so I mean he's directly responsible for like [ __ ] ruining my life I mean
that's a bit harsh but uh like he was a terrible parent
terrible [ __ ] parrot like super oblivious
too when I got back from Afghanistan I was so messed up I was drinking a
lot and one day I um when I was at his house my mom's house
the house I grew up in and uh I was
drinking and I I was going to go drive somewhere and you know I was actually kind of nervous that he might notice and
like you know yell at me or stop me or something like that's what um
conscientious aware [ __ ] normal loving people would
do is they would be aware like and you know I I mean I would have
been unhappy if he yelled at me and stopped me from driving but no he wasn't even
aware and of course I [ __ ] crashed my car and got arrested [ __ ] prick like he could
have like that's bad parenting that's that's oblivious I mean that's
neglectful and then one thing led to another [ __ ] just get the [ __ ] out out of the
state and him and my mom got married while I
was while I was in military training in Mississippi
and that was also really selfish really it was his idea obviously like you know
who gives a [ __ ] if David's here or not but looking back at it I I I don't know who went to their wedding but I
guarantee not a single person that went to their wedding cares more about them
than I do like they could have just waited like a couple of
weeks and so he married my mom while I was in military
training [ __ ] prick oh yeah he lived with her unmarried for like 20 years or
some [ __ ] also not very respectable like why I mean he should
have married her right away or some some [ __ ] where's a loser now I'm thinking
about it like wow he's a [ __ ]
loser you know and he had he was previously married and he has um one son
who also is a um in the military and uh when I was growing
up his son was a few years older and um Paul owned a car shop and so he had his
son work with him a little bit and apparently they like fought a little bit and because of
that Paul never never never
never um allowed me to uh you know work with him or anything or teach me how to
fix cars or anything because like he didn't want to deal with any like you know problems
like or you know or be a uh you know a a mature
responsible parent and then I guess years later his
son tells him what a shitty parent he was and uh I I think Paul had the
most unhumble response to it ever he's like what an [ __ ] he called me a bad
parent well screw him I don't ever want to see him again that's what kind of guy he is if you piss him off just [ __ ]
kick your out your life you know rather than I mean if my
kids told me I was a bad parent or if I was doing something wrong anybody that I
care about told me I was doing something wrong I have humility I'm able to like
self-reflect and and I do it very quickly um and I would
immediately well first off I would probably discuss it and I would try to reassure them that um I hear them and I
am um I I certainly don't want them to feel that way I certainly wouldn't do that on purpose I would thank them for
telling me for criticizing me and giving me constru criticism and I would
change but not him not him so you know I mean and now he told me not to even
[ __ ] talk to my mom like I'm a disabled
veteran and now I'm divorced too so it's just like a double whammy like and and
you know what's also ironic is when he called me and told me not to talk to my mom he he did
mentioned um he had some he had some conscientiousness because he said you know hey I understand that you know
sometimes adult children need you know need to talk to their parents he even
acknowledged it but he still said like [ __ ] off don't ever [ __ ] talk to your mom about
anything negative I think because like if I I have a problem and I tell my mom and
then she's upset like it it's just inconvenience to him like it might [ __ ] uh he might not be able to go
golfing that day or some [ __ ] because my mom is uh you know dealing with something real so he would rather just [ __ ]
bury his head in the sand than uh you
know [ __ ] be a decent
person you know but who am I to judge him like I mean I think I'm a far more
moral person than him he's far more successful than me I think he's probably
more normal I think I'm probably I think it's abnormal to be as empathetic and
caring as I am um I think most people are selfish
pricks so I think I think that's normal but
um yeah he never went to
war he's I think in perfect health
even and you couldn't care less that um um he doesn't even he couldn't he cares
so little he doesn't even want to know if I have if I'm having a problem he he wants me to um not even tell my mom my
problems because then maybe my mom would be worried and then talk to him about it and that would just enrage him he'd get
enraged if um you know he has to you know [ __ ] golf a little bit less and
[ __ ] talk to my mom about what she's upset about if she's upset about something that I'm going through so just
banish me that's his solution to [ __ ] is just you know what if if if if he if he
doesn't like the way you're treating him like get the hell away from
him but you know he's all he he's way healthier than me healthier and and more
successful so uh you know the characteristic of being empathetic and
caring um does not translate to a more successful happy life like I'm sure he's
happy I'm sure he's happy I think he goes golfing dur the day and then he comes home and watches Golf and
um I don't think he has even a good relationship with his own son because
his son like told him off once like hey you you you [ __ ] up bunch I guess is
what his son told him and rather than accepting it with any humility uh you
know he was just like I remember when he told me about he's like Josh told me one
day like how bad of a parent I am and like he was angry that somebody told
him that he did a bad job at like the most important [ __ ] role humans have single most important
role would be if you choose to be a parent is [ __ ]
parenting I mean he's such a shitty parent that I think he forbid my mom
from um even visiting me when I had my step kids with
me like my poor step kids like they're you know they say you know they you know they said a while ago like they think my
parents don't like them and you know of course they said oh no no they like you
I was disillusion I thought they liked me too
but I frankly I after processing all
this I I don't think I I don't think we can go back I I I can't go backwards I can't can't I can't go back to being you
know a naive um naive about my childhood and
naive about my parents I used to think they were I thought they were fine
parents like I never I knew they weren't great but I thought they were you know
good but now that I'm older and I've examined
mainly Paul mainly his actions uh what a selfish
scumbag like he married my
mom wow like it's just out of all the
relationships in the world you don't [ __ ] with a son relationship with their mom like it's just one of the few like
just was one of the few few like safe relationships I felt like I had and and
considering how [ __ ] messed up I am now
um you know I I just don't have anybody in my life
and I like nobody literally nobody and I'm so screwed up
I um I don't I don't even want
to venture out into the world and and meet
people wow so I'm suffering all of these
consequences of this prick being a sh
parent and you know fine it's my fault that I um you know I'm sensitive and I take things
personally but I'm sure most people most men if some other man came to them and
said try to um [ __ ] tell them what kind of relationship to have with their
own mom like they get punched in the
face his mom is still alive she's like I think 100 years old you know if if she
wasn't an old lady I would go to her and say what a prick Paul is being but you know I'm not going to do that to an old
lady I would like to ask him how would you feel if somebody told
you to [ __ ] not talk to your
mom I'm sure he loves his mom I'm sure I'm
sure I tell you this he does not love me no way shape or
form the no way does his actions meet the criteria for even like like basic
love I mean and frankly he doesn't even like me cuz you know I tried to you hang out with him like hey come on over come
over come over hang out with me
um wow I'm really angry I'm really [ __ ] angry and
uh and I hate the world I hate everybody in the world
this is really depressing to process this like I I I used
to even though I guess it was a false impression I used to have a good impression of them like I thought they
were respectable but
what I find absolutely unacceptable like I if
they want to treat me like [ __ ] cuz I'm an adult fine I can handle it
right but they wouldn't even dignify my
girls like children need grandparents they deserve grandparents
and my and my parents see um you know the other kids children their other
grandkids they see they do stuff with them too but they won't even dignify me
or my children with you know um at least pretending like at least [ __ ] pretend
like they can be honest with me fine fine be honest with me okay but pretend
for the sake of the [ __ ] children cuz in all likelihood my
children are going to outlive them and this is the Legacy they're setting for themselves they've ruined
their legacy they just Paul just ruined his and my mom's Legacy as far as I'm
concerned like I hate them both now whereas all they had to do was treat
me and my children with a little bit of dignity they could even fake it but see that Paul would rather just bury his
head in the sand not even be aware of the problems I mean he doesn't care about the problems he doesn't even want
to know about the problems he doesn't even want me to talk to my mom about my problems because it might upset her and
then and then what it inconveniences him like what the [ __ ] is the problem but it's just to to not dignify
my children like the CH their children they're innocent
like they deserve to at least be like told that they're loved by their
grandparents like I I I did tell them to like if you're not going to see them at
least get them a gift or something let them know that you think of them and you care about
them but my kids are not dumb they know my parents are just [ __ ] pieces of
[ __ ] and that my parents don't like
them that must be such an awful feeling for a child
to to to just think that you know their their
grandparents dislike them so much that they won't even dignify them
with uh you know a
visit that's
unacceptable I don't know what he thought the consequence was but I think he I well he's getting the result he
wanted he uh I'm banished from their life like and now I'm the one doing the banishing like I've lost all respect for
them like [ __ ] him of course he doesn't need anything
from me he certainly doesn't like care how I
feel or um you know care if I respect him
um wow what a selfish man
like I would say it's just sort of being evil I don't think he's evil I think he's just
selfish but to just treat children like that like children like so when my kids
came I made extra sure like I told them constantly how um how much I love them
and how how welcome they are here with me like it made them feel loved
like and and now they don't doubt that they're loved by someone like me at
least I'm I'm actually quite honestly I think I'm the best thing that they have in their
life Mia told me she wants me to quit smoking so I live longer cuz I'm I'm
actually the only I'm going to be the only grandparent like God willing she's going to get married and have children
someday I'm going to be the only grandparent but not if I'm dead of
course but me as the first one in my
life my entire
life to give me the impression that she loves me enough to that she wants me to live
longer no I she's a [ __ ] kid though like I mean that's that that's the
beauty and the innocence of a kid like I I hope that they're not too messed up at least from you know the the divorce and
whatnot they've been through a lot they're really good kids I love them so much and I'm so proud of
them and I thought I thought that my mom and
Paul would be like so proud of me for
um like they're my step kids they're not my
biological kids so I don't actually owe them anything like after the
divorce but I thought they would be proud of me for you know I could have said you [ __ ]
you like I don't need to spend money on you or time with you you know it's very
self selfless to um be a parent but so I thought they would see
me and how good I am at parent parenting and how much I love them and they would
be proud and and that's the thing I'm hurt
most about is that
they they they must dislike me so much in some
way that that that they that they [ __ ] take it out on children like no wonder I'm so messed up
I think they probably did some [ __ ] up things to me when I was a kid they must have like if this is how
they treat grandchildren imagine how they treated
me wow it's really depressing to
realize what shitty parents you had like I'm sure a lot of people
realize that and most people when they realize it they like vow to themselves to not do the same thing to their
kids wow wow what the [ __ ]