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As a child, we’re often taught to revere and trust our parents, believing everything they do is right. It’s a jarring moment when you become an adult and realize, with devastating clarity, how fundamentally messed up your parents' actions were. Most people who grow up with that kind of parental damage vow not to repeat it. But looking back at my stepfather, Paul, I see a pattern of immediate banishment—if you disrespect him or get on his bad side, you’re cut off. That’s his prerogative, but it comes with a major exception: when you marry a woman with small children, you don't get to act however you want. A stepparent takes on the full obligations of a real parent.
I was always uncomfortable with Paul’s emotional coldness and lack of shared feelings, attributing it to his being a Baby Boomer, an old-school personality. I'm now frightened by the thought that a lot of what your parents do, you simply repeat, believing it to be correct. But his pattern of banishing anyone he dislikes should never have extended to his stepchildren.
Paul came into our lives when my sister and I were already traumatized; my mom had failed to protect us during the separation from my biological father. Paul wasn't directly abusive, which I guess is the one credit I can give him. But when my sister, as a young teenager, went through a common stage of rebellion, he kicked her out of the house. Maybe he didn’t know how to deal with troubled kids, but that was absolutely the wrong choice. He failed to protect her. She ended up getting into trouble and spending a year in jail. That was his fault.
I remember the confusion when she simply disappeared; they never really told me what happened. Looking back, I realized I was an unnaturally well-behaved and highly agreeable child, always respectful and obedient. I now believe I was simply terrified: if my sister messed up and got kicked out, I was afraid he’d kick me out, too. I went through high school with no self-confidence, something I just thought was normal, but it's not—children should feel loved unconditionally.
My problems only grew worse into my twenties, leading me to join the Marine Corps and go to war, not because I was heroic, but because I was already a screwed-up person looking for a way out. When I returned from Afghanistan, I had severe, undiagnosed psychological problems. This is Major Strike Two.
Paul simply saw a problematic person and banished me. It was his decision to throw me to the wolves, sending me to Massachusetts for VA care, utterly homeless and severely unstable. His decision led to me being vulnerable, making bad choices, and jumping into a marriage with someone who turned out to be severely abusive. He was directly responsible for putting me in danger because he was simply irritated by my presence.
As a stepparent myself, I feel an absolute obligation to protect my daughters. Paul failed to protect both me and my sister. He put us in danger simply because we were an inconvenience. Loving parents could have let me stay with them or paid for an apartment until my war benefits came in. Instead, I ended up utterly homeless, which drove me to Massachusetts, where I married a broken person and got exactly what I was set up for: an abusive marriage. He failed to protect both of us the moment we became a burden.
The final, devastating line was crossed about a month ago. Paul made the stupid decision to call me—a call I thought might be a moment of support. Instead, he commanded me to stop talking to my mom about anything negative, claiming he was protecting her from me. He had no concern for the consequence of ruining my relationship with the one person I thought was my rock, the one solid connection I had, especially after a divorce left me utterly alone.
If my mom had told me this, it would be different, but it was him. I'm confused because I don't believe this is what the woman I know as my mother would want. He is either coercing her, or she is obedient to him. Now, I'm questioning how much my mom loves me, considering she let him kick out her own daughter.
This man, who took on the responsibility of two children, has single-handedly devastated both of us. The lack of consideration for how this would affect me is staggering. He's threatened by me—afraid I'll worry my mom with my problems. This is pathetically immature and cowardly. Cowards don't want to hear about their children's problems.
I’ve lost all respect for both of them. I feel like I am respecting what they wanted by cutting off all contact. I sent my mom one final email, cryptically telling her that I am extremely bitter, and that I have no interest in seeing or talking to her possibly ever again.
I would never treat my stepchildren this way. I would never put them in a vulnerable, dangerous spot. He is a selfish man who took on the responsibility of children and did not take it seriously. He seriously endangered us both, and I am, in effect, a dead man walking who can't even call his mom.
The lesson is clear: don't repeat the mistakes of your parents, or you'll ruin your own legacy. But the unforgivable sin—Strike Four—was the refusal to treat my children with dignity. They are innocent and deserve grandparents. Just because he doesn't like me, he has no right to take it out on them. My kids know my parents are terrible people, realizing it long before I could put all the pieces together. I can’t blame him for devastating my life, but I can finally recognize why I’m so messed up: because a selfish man decided he did not want to be inconvenienced by the children he inherited. He ruined the one relationship I thought would be constant, and he took it all away with one phone call. What an absolute ass.
Transcript
okay so I just have
some final thoughts
about about my childhood and my
stepdad now when you're a kid of course
um most kids almost Revere their parents
you know they respect their parents they
and when you're growing up you almost
trust your parents so much that you
believe everything that they do is
right and of course it's not
until oftentimes you become an adult and
grow up and recognize like wow my
parents did was [ __ ]
up like
and most of the
time when children grow up and they had
some sort of negative situation with
their parents they vow to not repeat
that same thing with their children like
they don't ever want their children to
feel like how their parents made them
feel I've noticed a pattern with Paul he
um if you um disrespect him or if uh you
get on his bad side he is is it really
quick to just banish you just nope like
don't want anything to do with anybody
that he doesn't
like which I guess that's his
prerogative if that's how he wants to
live his life with one very big
exception if you're a a man and you
marry a woman that has two small
children you don't get to act just any
all way you want now
um if you become a parent a step parent
nonetheless you have obviously the
obligations all the same obligations of
an actual parent step parents
are not equal
to real parents or real parents is
almost insulting to step parents because
step parents are real parents too
now I
always noticed and was a bit
uncomfortable
um with his um emotional
coldness
or his
um you know lack of feelings or sharing
feelings and I just thought it was you
know he's a baby boomer and it's just
it's the way old people are I guess it's
the way the the World War II veterans
were and that's how they treated their
kids so that that's how they grew up and
now that's how they
are it's almost frightening
how
um wow a lot of things that your parents
do to
you if you think that they are correct
then you just repeat
them but this pattern of Paul that
anybody that he doesn't like he just
banishes
you don't get that option to do to your
[ __ ] step kids like you don't like
your step kids [ __ ] them get the hell
out of my life get the hell out of my
house like when I was a
kid
um when my sister was a a very young
teenager she uh went through a a
rebellion stage and I think that's
common now guess to just give Paul one
bit of credit is that uh he never
directly abused us or anything so I got
to give him credit for that and when he
came into the situation I think my
sister and I were
already
traumatized there was this period of
time when my mom and dad separated that
uh I don't know what my mom was doing
but she failed to protect us and we both
got [ __ ] up so Paul came into the
situation with two [ __ ] up kids and to
be fair I mean maybe as a baby boomer
and you know he's not a
um a college educated intellectual uh so
maybe he just didn't know how to respond
to troubled children but kicking them
out of the house was not the right
choice so my sister rebelled and did
some got in some trouble and he [ __ ]
kicked her out as a teenager
and uh and then she ended up going and
getting in trouble and she ended up in
jail for like a
year and that was his fault that was
absolutely his fault he failed to
protect my sister he kicked her out a
teenager because he didn't want to deal
with it or maybe he didn't know how to
deal with it maybe he thought that was
the right thing to do but that was not
the right thing to do so I think that
severely screwed my sister
up and
um I remember being very confused like
where was my sister where did my sister
go I I they didn't even really tell me
what happened I just one day my sister
just wasn't there
anymore I was so confused um and
honestly I'm Looking Back Now I was
really well behaved and I've always been
very respectful to him I've always
obeyed him
like um anything he told me to do I did
no problem no questions
asked well that's because I'm a you know
I have high agreeableness and I uh you
know like to avoid conflict but now I'm
thinking about
it I think I was
afraid I think I was afraid that oh my
God my sister [ __ ] up and get kicked
out so I don't want to [ __ ] up and get
kicked out like if I [ __ ] up this guy's
gonna [ __ ] kick me out
so I was a really well- behaved child
although I remember going like to high
school and just feeling no
self-confidence and I just thought that
was
normal but looking back that's very
abnormal children should not feel that
way children should feel um you know
loved like unconditional love and that
was not the case with this guy
all right so that that's this big strike
one right there he [ __ ] [ __ ] up my
sister by kicking her out as a teenager
and it I think it terrified me
too so I was a really well- behaved
child um I didn't really start having
problems I guess until my early
20s
uh and then of course I you know went to
war and came back and was even more
screwed up I think I was screwed up
before before I went to war I think
that's why I went to war cuz I was it
takes a screwed up kind of person to
want to go to war cuz most people do not
want to go to war he did not want to go
to war he's not a veteran he did not
serve his
country anyways so it was after I got
back from Afghanistan I had severe
problems and I didn't even know know
about my severe
problems and looking back at this this
makes me really mad really really mad
like this is Major strike two for
him so here I am a young adult a war
veteran and um I had some severe
problems and I didn't even know what the
problems
were you know so let alone you he
certainly didn't know what the problems
were but I think he just saw um a
problematic person in his life so I was
I was banished I was [ __ ]
banished it was his
decision to just [ __ ] throw me to the
wolves like just hey you're disabled War
veteran who gives a [ __ ] is not his
problem so get the [ __ ] out of here so I
it was his
decision that sent me to
Massachusetts as a severely
unstable young
person and you know of course I went to
Massachusetts and I was uh you know
super
vulnerable and so what do um you know
unstable vulnerable people do they make
bad decisions and I jumped right into a
marriage and with somebody who turned
out to be um who severely abused me I
was in an abusive
marriage now just to clarify I don't
blame my my exwife I think her and I
were both
severely um broken
people
and broken people are attracted to each
other cuz nobody else is attracted to
Broken People normal people don't like
broken
people but seriously
it now as a step parent myself I've got
two two
daughters my God never in a million
years would I banish them if they if
they I mean they they'd have the like
next level [ __ ] misbehave to get
[ __ ] banished um cuz I feel an
obligation to protect
them and that's my point is he failed to
protect me and my
sister like and why and why because he
was irritated like what it did does he
think he was protecting my mom from her
own children that's [ __ ]
up I think it's that he just no if you
if if if you cross him if you get on his
wrong side he don't want nothing to do
with
you so that sucked up right there and so
cuz loving parents I was a war veteran
they could have [ __ ] there's a bunch
of other options you know they could
have I could have lived with them for a
little while they could have helped me
get my own apartment or something like
they could have even paid for an
apartment for me or something until you
know I got you know my my my War
benefits cuz you know I I didn't have
them when I immediately came back so I
ended up like utterly
homeless and that drove that sent me to
a to Massachusetts as a
vulnerable confused broken person and I
hopped into an you know a marriage and I
got exactly what I was I was you know I
marri somebody similar that was broken
and
um although my my ex-wife I I believe
and I don't even blame her for it I
think she has narcissistic personality
disorder and that's from her parents
[ __ ] her
up anyways never in a million years
would
I especially because I have daughters
like I would I would never want them to
go anywhere in the world that would be
unsafe you know cuz daughters are even
more vulnerable
now I just happen to be very sensitive
and you know the impact of going to war
just screwed me up man
like you who would have thought you know
the consequence of killing thousands of
people
would I don't know make you not want to
live or I who knows it's [ __ ] PTSD
man
um but so there's stra to he failed to
protect both of us
like as soon as we were in inconvenience
bye-bye not his problem
anymore and you know I was a young adult
at the time so I just accepted it I was
like oh wow okay I'm on my own adult
[ __ ] up but
okay but now he done cross the line the
third time about a month
ago he made the most devastatingly
stupid [ __ ]
decision to call
me he called me and I answered the phone
think oh he's calling me he never calls
me oh wow he's calling me like I maybe I
he was calling to give me some support
or something no he [ __ ] called me to
tell me to
stop [ __ ] talking to my
mom about anything negative she she he
said she's she's um you know
he's trying to protect my mom from me
which that's [ __ ] up it's
unnecessary and I mean he has just no
concern for the consequence of um you
know ruining my relationship with my mom
you know I never thought that that was a
relationship that was you know uh that
that was that could be ruined you know I
I had a good relationship with my mom
like just no concern for
um I would say my mom was probably one
of my most solid relationships or you
know it's just somebody I I thought I
could always always call if I had if I
have a problem or something whatever I
just want to talk about something I can
call
her and in one phone
call he just
ruined my relationship with my mom he
took that away from
me another really [ __ ] up time for me
I just got divorced so um you know I'm
utterly alone I'm still really disabled
at least I have you know benefits now so
I'm not [ __ ] destitute and homeless
but
um
wow now if my mom called me and said Hey
listen I I you got to stop telling me
about your problems that would be
different like if it was my mom that
told me that but it was
him
and I'm I'm extremely confused about
something
because I don't think this is what she
wants at least that's the conception of
the of the woman that I know to be my
mom like this that's not at all what she
want she would
want so either he is cohering her or
she's just very obedient to
him which that's deserving but even more
deserving maybe I've just I'm
completely mischaracterized and or my
mom maybe I just maybe I don't know her
that well like I thought she loved me
unconditionally no matter what but
obviously if she lets this man kick out
her daughter who's just acting up
like I'm questioning how much my [ __ ]
mom loves me and my sister
like so to summarize this this man who
took on the responsibility of marrying a
woman with two kids
um has
single-handedly devastated both of us uh
kicking my sister out as a teenager and
then and then [ __ ] banishing me to
another state when I'm a disabled War
veteran and then the final straw was him
[ __ ] telling me what kind of
relationship to have with my
mom like with no consideration for how
that would affect
me you know of course he never
once talk to me about how I felt about
my sister being kicked out as a teenager
like I think that Terri ifed me into
obedience like I've always been
extremely
respectful and now I'm wondering why was
I so respectful was it out of fear I
think maybe like if I if I [ __ ] up like
she I'm
[ __ ] wow I just I'm glad I'm Pro
processing
this I'm not happy with the conclusion
here but
it's you know eventually I was going to
realize wait a minute why is this
relationship with this guy so
odd it's because he's a selfish [ __ ]
is why like he's the kind of man that
like he's not a bad man he's just um I
think extremely morally
negligent like he doesn't care about
anybody
but himself and I think he cares about
my mom but I I I don't know they've
always had a very private relationship
so I don't even know maybe he's like
abusing her behind the scenes who knows
he certainly could be and he could be
keeping it under wraps who knows I think
I I think he's threatened by me I think
he's threatened that I'm going to what
upset my mom with my problems or I'm
going to worry my mom too much but it
it's better to just for my mom to not
even know what's going on that's super
immature it's
irresponsible it's quite honestly
pathetic that is what cowards do is oh
your your children are having problems
well I don't even want to know about him
don't [ __ ] tell me don't even tell
your mom about it
like that's cowardly
terrible so he failed to protect me and
my
sister and I wonder why I'm so [ __ ]
up
um but at least I'm realizing it now I
sent my mom an email today
saying well I don't really know how to
say
this but I I do feel the need to
communicate with her one last
time I said I I have to um cryptically
describe this because of this bizarre
rule of not talking about anything
negative so he said I am extremely
bitter and that's the only thing I'm
going to
say you get to know nothing else about
me I I didn't say it like that I said
just said that's the only thing I'm
saying is I'm extremely bitter I don't
ever want to see you again don't call me
I'm going to stop calling you I'm going
to stop texting you emailing you cuz
like I I've been you know sharing
content with my mom and
um well apparently she's not interested
in it or she doesn't like like it or
whatever cuz she doesn't respond she
doesn't interact with me at all
so
um I just had to say that to my mom to
let her know that I'm not interested in
seeing her or talking to
her possibly ever again because as of
right now I've lost all respect for her
and for Paul and I've got nothing good
to say to him and Paul does not accept
criticism very well
and that's a shame cuz you know
um I am a war veteran and even though I
it did caused some serious Devastation
to
my my brain and my
soul it it did actually give me a bunch
of other good things like a good skills
and Leadership
and it's a shame because you know I
could contribute to the family still
like
especially the natural progression of
things is as the children get older and
the parents get really old you know the
adult children eventually like start
taking
over
um but [ __ ] them like [ __ ] them they
like
I got nothing good to say to them right
now so I I I I feel like I'm actually
respecting what they wanted they don't
want anything to do with me so I just
had to I had to just cut it
off and that's a real
shame but I'll tell you this I will I
would never treat my stepchildren that
way I would
never like kick them out and put them in
a vulnerable dangerous spot and that's
my point is he failed to protect us he
put us both in severe danger severe
danger like yeah we're both still alive
but I think we're both really [ __ ] up
because of his just selfish like need to
not be around any what any any conflict
like but you can't parent so you you you
you
should you know just get the hell out of
here no you signed up for it
man by by marrying my mom you [ __ ]
signed up for it he's the kind of man
that should not have children should not
have children he he he he's selfish and
you know he should have a condo
somewhere and he should go golfing every
day but he took the responsibility of
children and he did not take it
seriously he seriously endangered us
either of us could have died and and I
am like a dead man walking right now and
I can't even [ __ ] call my
mom
wow it's incredible how
devastating it's just one bad parent can
can can have on in multiple people's
lives and you know the sad thing is he
couldn't care less he doesn't care what
I
think he doesn't think he can learn
anything from me even though you know
I'm not only a war veteran but I'm also
college educated and you know I I've got
skills I could contribute but he doesn't
value anything that I have he doesn't
need anything from
me like he doesn't even need my like my
respect but you know he has completely
ruined his own legacy
like hopefully I outlive him you know
cuz he is 40 years older than me and you
know when you know when he passes away I
it's just like this is the Legacy he
left he [ __ ] up me and my sister and
he couldn't care
less so I guess the lesson would be uh
you know don't repeat the same mistakes
as your parents and or else or else
you'll just [ __ ] ruin your own
Legacy
and strike three was him telling me not
to [ __ ] talk to my mom but I guess
strike four would be
um you know if they don't treat me with
dignity I'm kind of used to it right
they could be honest with
me but to not treat my children with
dignity
is that is that that that's it that's it
I'm I'm done I'm done I have totally
lost
respect like my children are [ __ ]
innocent and they deserve grandparents
like just because you don't like me or
you don't like my ex-wife like that's
not an
option to to [ __ ] take it out on kids
cuz you know my my my kids now think my
parents are pieces of [ __ ] and it said
that they realized it way before I
realized it like I was in denial I I
didn't took me a while to put it all
together like and I hadn't thought about
how he kicked my sister out as a
teenager for a long time but now that
I'm putting all the pieces together this
is how he
operates
wow I can't really blame him for
devastating my life but it's important
for me to at least re
recognize why I'm so [ __ ] up and a big
part of it is him like if I if he had
been loving or if he had why the [ __ ]
would you marry a woman with two kids if
you
like don't want don't want the kids like
he that's the impression he's given me
my whole life is that like I don't know
he's kind of indifferent to me
like I don't think we've ever spent time
together he has no interest in spending
any time with me like just me ever no
interest that's bizarre that's
selfish so he don't want to spend time
with me that's his [ __ ] decision but
it's it's it's it's [ __ ] going too
far for him to
[ __ ] [ __ ] ruin my relationship
with my Mom especially since I just got
divorced and you know I'm
just you know I'm alone and it would be
nice to have you know the one
relationship I had my whole life and he
[ __ ] just took it all away with one
phone
call wow what an [ __ ]