Gender, Sex, & Pronouns

What are they, what's the difference, and why do they matter?

What is Gender; Who is Pronouns?

Well, gender can mean many things to many people. For some, gender is static and inextricably connected to their sense of self, and for others, it is fluid and can change and evolve. But how can that be? You're born either a boy or a girl, right? Not quite.

Gender roles are a social construct. Girls wear pink and play with dolls, and boys wear blue and eat worms. Not so fast! Before the 1900s, it was common to dress boys in frilly pink "dresses," and in cultures all over the world people eat worms regardless of their gender. So, what are we saying? Ideas about gender can change, and they have!

Then how is gender different from gender roles? Gender can be thought of as your identity and the way that identity is expressed. Gender expression is the way you present; it is the clothes you wear, the way you style your hair, ♪♬♫ baby, it's the way you look—tonight ♫♬♪. Your gender identity is how you see yourself; it's how you feel 'in your head' about whether you are male, female, neither, or something else.

Wait! Something else? Yes: Many people use they/them pronouns because the binary ones you may be familiar with (she, he, her, & him) do not jive with that person's gender identity. Or like my friend that goes by tree instead of her, they, or him. That's what we call a neopronoun, which is less common but growing in usage. They are singular, third-person pronouns used alternatively to they. The most well known set of neopronouns are ze and zer or zir—ryhmes with he and her.

How do I know which pronouns to use?
Simply, just ask.
If you do not feel comfortable asking, or you feel it would be inappropriate to ask, offer you own pronouns and they will likely respond in kind.

Sex: It's more than the sum of your [private] parts.

Sex is often confused with gender, but they are two very different concepts. Typically, when one refers to sex, what they mean is sex assigned at birth. When a baby is born the doctor generally determines the sex of the baby by sight. Does the newborn's outer sex organs align to this doctor's notion of male or female? Biologic sex is determined by the biology of an individual on the other hand.

When you hear biologic sex, you're probably thinking of what's actually called chromosomal sex. That's the Xs and Ys you learned about in 8th grade biology. Chromosomes are a type of molecule made of protein and one molecule of DNA that are inherited from a person's parents. Humans generally have 22 pairs of chromosomes, called autosomes, and a pair of "sex" chromosomes, which—by the scientist who coined the term's own admission—are a misnomer. These chromosomes are referred to as X or Y, named so for their relative shapes. If a person has two X-chromosomes (XX) we say they are chromosomal female. If an individual has one X and one Y-chromosome (XY), then we say they are chromosomal male. But those aren't the only rolls of the dice you can get. Some people only have one sex chromosome, or sex-monosomies (X or Y), and others may have three: sex-polysomies (XXX, XYY, or XXY). These individuals are intersex. Furthermore, accourding to the World Health Organization, "Some males are born [XX] due to the translocation of a tiny section of the sex determining region of the Y chromosome, [and] some females are also born [XY] due to mutations in the Y chromosome" (source).

Due to a range of chromosome complements, hormone balances, and phenotypic variations, biologic sex is determined by more than just Xs and Ys; as artist Emily Quinn told TED Radio Hour's host, Manoush Zomorodi:

"When I talk about sex and biological sex, I specifically talk about seven different areas ... being your chromosomes, your gonads, like testes or ovaries ... your internal organs - like your uterus or fallopian tubes ... your external genitalia, your hormone production, your hormone response, and then your secondary sex characteristics ... like, breast development, wider hips, facial hair, body hair, et cetera, muscles, everything that we kind of categorize as male or female that are all secondary. So, like, my body started out as male, and then it, like, went down a different path, if that makes sense. But somebody's body could go down a different path at any one of those seven areas." —Emily Quinn

Sexual Orientation: The Alphabet Soup

Sexual orientation is simply a label used to describe one's general preferences regarding whom they find physically, emotionally, and sexually appealing. Someone can be physically, emotionally, and sexually attracted to any manner of gender or biologic sex or none at all. And the level of physical, emotional, and sexual attraction one has toward any or no gender or biologic sex can be different from each other. For example, Alex can be physically attracted to men, emotionally more inclined toward women, and not sexually aroused by any biologic sex or gender.

© 2020 Sharon McCutcheon

Putting It All Together: The Gender Unicorn

Now you know that sexual orientation is just a label, sex and gender are separate from each other, and pronouns are generally used to describe one's own gender expression. But there are many more terms and concepts to learn. Cisgender is a term that refers to a person whose gender identity matches the sex assigned to them at birth. Typically, these individuals present their gender expression in a way that also aligns with heterotypical gender roles but not always. After all, anyone can wear a dress; anyone can eat a worm.

Transgender is a term, sometimes shortened to trans, that refers to a person whose gender identity does not match the sex assigned to them at birth. When a transgender individual decides to present in an affirming way i.e., changes their gender expression, the process is called transitioning. Undergoing gender transition can begin and end with a change of pronoun usage or can involve changes in behavior and appearance up to and including gender-affirming surgeries. What is the right extent of transition for one individual is a strictly personal matter. A transition ends whenever the individual feels their transition is complete; an individual can change their intentions and/or feelings about the state of their transition at any time, and can stop or reverse their transition if they so choose. Trans-man and trans-woman refer to the individuals' gender identity and NOT the sex they were assigned. A transgender individual may choose to no longer refer to theirself by the name given to them—their deadname—rather opting for a more affirming birthname. Deadnaming refers to the act of calling an individual by a name they no longer identify with.

Agender, gender nonconforming, gender-expansive, gender-fluid, genderqueer, and nonbinary and are all terms used to describe individuals who do not identify as simply male or female. Agender specifically refers to having no gender. Misgendering happens when an individual is referred to or referenced by pronouns that they do not identify with.

What should I do if I accidentally deadname or misgender someone?
Sincerely apologize, then move on.
Do not make someone else's name or gender about you or your feelings.

Because gender and sex both exist on a spectrum, are separate concepts, and are not unchanging, it's impossible to give perfectly accurate and all-inclusive definitions for sexual orientation labels. Let's say Pat is an assigned female-at-birth individual who is in a lesbian relationship with another assigned female-at-birth individual, who identifies as cisgender. If Pat comes out as trans, is he and his cisgender girlfriend still a lesbian couple? Are they now a straight couple? The only appropriate answer is, of course, it's none of your business, but you can see how putting too much stock into labels can be less-than-helpful. Still, many individuals have used sexual orientation labels to explore their truth and find community. This article lists 46 terms that describe sexual attraction, behavior, and orientation and why it matters.


Edward J. Borek III
August 23, 2021

They is not only a plural third-person pronoun. This article has used they in the singular multiple times without ambiguity.
Saying, "They doesn't refer to one person, therefore I won't recognize your pronouns," is NEVER appropriate.